So much to write about…My world enfolds in front of my eyes…just
like Mama-P. teaches me…yesterday she taught me to embrace all what’s in it, even
if it smells to shit, because really it is YOURS; she said!
You are the creator. “Actually the world outside of you is only a projected world”; she continued.
You are the creator. “Actually the world outside of you is only a projected world”; she continued.
And oh my…if you look from there, from the place of IAM…
it is so a delicious, RICH and ALIVE! And it just appears in front of my eyes, all of it…
it is so a delicious, RICH and ALIVE! And it just appears in front of my eyes, all of it…
This morning I was still my small self…feeling ashamed…
and really I can tell you…tonight I sat in stillness watching sunset…
This was what I saw:
and really I can tell you…tonight I sat in stillness watching sunset…
This was what I saw:
It’s a long story…and maybe one day I will tell you, but
actually I don’t think it is of any importance because really it is just a
story.
While I was sitting there, on my towel, watching sunset…
I could see that particular story playing in my world…mmmm…you know…
I was the watcher looking…
I saw how I have/had the belief that I have to be PERFECT…actually worse, that I have to be a SAINT.
And it doesn’t serve me at all, because if my body/mind appearance does something that doesn’t FIT in that little box that is called SAINT, I become a ‘woehoe ‘BAD’ person.
Bad girl….
I did something yesterday where I am not proud of, but that I know wasn’t a mistake, because there are no mistakes. Ok to name it by name…(ha Belgian expression)
I pushed somebody in the water with my shoulder that pushed my limits to the end. (in my story of her) Now I am trying to justify the push, which doesn't work really...
IIn my story I HAD enough and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I guess with all the big changes and the sickness I feel in my body, I was more sensitive and irritable than usual.
Well, usual I have to be a SAINT. A PERFECT SAINT...
And yesterday I wasn’t.
I could see that particular story playing in my world…mmmm…you know…
I was the watcher looking…
I saw how I have/had the belief that I have to be PERFECT…actually worse, that I have to be a SAINT.
And it doesn’t serve me at all, because if my body/mind appearance does something that doesn’t FIT in that little box that is called SAINT, I become a ‘woehoe ‘BAD’ person.
Bad girl….
I did something yesterday where I am not proud of, but that I know wasn’t a mistake, because there are no mistakes. Ok to name it by name…(ha Belgian expression)
I pushed somebody in the water with my shoulder that pushed my limits to the end. (in my story of her) Now I am trying to justify the push, which doesn't work really...
IIn my story I HAD enough and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I guess with all the big changes and the sickness I feel in my body, I was more sensitive and irritable than usual.
Well, usual I have to be a SAINT. A PERFECT SAINT...
And yesterday I wasn’t.
When I came out of the water, my SAINT principles kicked in
and told me I should be like a Gandhi.
Or the Jesus principle of ‘if you get slapped you need to show the other cheek’ kind of principle.
I hope that was something from Jesus, I am not sure, sorry…J
You get the picture, I NEED TO BE A GOOD GIRL ALL THE TIME…that is safe, because then everybody will like me…J puh what a story…J
The story I had about that person was that she tried to undermine me, pest me or bully me…
In my story I had to be quiet and be a good girl and just swallow that all…and yesterday I just exploded…the good girl myth was gone and became a bad girl story…A ton of stories on top of eachother...
Or the Jesus principle of ‘if you get slapped you need to show the other cheek’ kind of principle.
I hope that was something from Jesus, I am not sure, sorry…J
You get the picture, I NEED TO BE A GOOD GIRL ALL THE TIME…that is safe, because then everybody will like me…J puh what a story…J
The story I had about that person was that she tried to undermine me, pest me or bully me…
In my story I had to be quiet and be a good girl and just swallow that all…and yesterday I just exploded…the good girl myth was gone and became a bad girl story…A ton of stories on top of eachother...
It left me sitting with a low frequency of energy and
feelings of guilt.
If I am LOVE, how could I ever push anybody?
Right?
If I am LOVE, how could I ever push anybody?
Right?
AND you know…I know better now already…Mama-P. teachings are
getting so IN-CORED (new word I just invented) inside my very own being, that I
know that there is NO-BODY outside of me.
When I look from my 'IAM' and see the bigger picture:
I am the one BULLYING me, I am the one PESTING me, I am the one UNDERMINING me…
I did all of that for about 22 years and I know now that my belief systems can only bring that to me, that what I am doing to me…
When I look from my 'IAM' and see the bigger picture:
I am the one BULLYING me, I am the one PESTING me, I am the one UNDERMINING me…
I did all of that for about 22 years and I know now that my belief systems can only bring that to me, that what I am doing to me…
It is since 12 days I am giving up to bully, pest or
undermine myself.
It is since 12 days that I start to realize what LOVE is. What loving myself is…
It is since 12 days that I start to realize what LOVE is. What loving myself is…
Well it is since a year I am working on it…but 12 days ago
something really deep started…
I guess that might be a story too…J
It takes some time to UNDO what I was DOING to me…
Automatically the bullies are going to disappear out of my life, because I stopped it within me.
It is when I SEE this I know that the bullies that appear in my outside world are actually allies helping me to be FREE. They are my friends.
I guess that might be a story too…J
It takes some time to UNDO what I was DOING to me…
Automatically the bullies are going to disappear out of my life, because I stopped it within me.
It is when I SEE this I know that the bullies that appear in my outside world are actually allies helping me to be FREE. They are my friends.
The neighbor that deliberately smokes pot next to my door to
annoy me, is actually so kind to share his stuff with me. Mama-P's way to make everything lighter...LOL
The woman that tries to ‘break me’ (my story of her) is so kind to help me to connect deeper with me… J
The woman that tries to ‘break me’ (my story of her) is so kind to help me to connect deeper with me… J
So…when I was sitting tonight…watching sunset, in stillness I
came to the place of truth.
I am love.
I felt so huge, looking down on the thing that happened yesterday…in a far past…something that doesn’t even exists and I could see that it was something INNOCENT. Something I did because I didn’t know better.
I could even see that when I swim with dolphins, they do the same…if some other dolphin comes in their space, they slap him or her… telling “slam” get out of my space…
I could see that INNOCENCE…
and the awareness that what I ‘did’ was nothing more than that.
I am love.
I felt so huge, looking down on the thing that happened yesterday…in a far past…something that doesn’t even exists and I could see that it was something INNOCENT. Something I did because I didn’t know better.
I could even see that when I swim with dolphins, they do the same…if some other dolphin comes in their space, they slap him or her… telling “slam” get out of my space…
I could see that INNOCENCE…
and the awareness that what I ‘did’ was nothing more than that.
“ENOUGH”
And I know in my “IAM” I am not saying that to the person
outside of me, but to the ONE inside that thinks ‘she doesn’t deserve anything
and needs to be a PERFECT saint on top of that’.
I REALLY SAY ENOUGH to the BULLY in me…
ENOUGH, enough…ENOUGH!!!!
I REALLY SAY ENOUGH to the BULLY in me…
ENOUGH, enough…ENOUGH!!!!
I am still recovering…waaaw Mama-P is RIGHT again. I feel so
depleted and I feel that the danger of my kidney infection/or stones might be gone. And
I feel my primary chi- energy is kind of back; but I am still so exhausted.
Sitting on the grass…looking to the sunset….i was watching my body/mind and I could see how gently I was today with myself.
I started the day with a gorgeous sunrise and yoga…that I trade in for my running…
Really!!!! This is an event like a tsunami or earthquake into my life….NO RUNNING????
I saw that the ‘saint’ voice tried to catch up with me and tried to fill me up with guilt and shame…again…
And what I did was taking Mama-P’s notes back and worked with it in a gently way, so I could SEE truth…
Then I listened to Mooji and that brought me in a good vibe…he said that when your life is in chaos…which is mine, I can tell you…(that’s how it feels)… J
that you are actually in the right place…J
Closer to the ‘IAM’ than ever…
Aaah…well, inside I knew that deep,
but still it gives more courage to hear it again…
and to let God UNDO me from all what I am not.
And while I am sitting there on my towel watching sunset…I got surprised by God by so many abundant surprises… J I could see it was the result of being gently with me…I was the GENTLY BEING and that’s what I got outside of me…J
First when I walked on the beach I heard a pipe player playing…I love it!
It gives me so much ecstasy in my 7th chakra.
I sneaked as close as I could to hear her magic tones travelling into the air, so I could feel the vibration of the waves coming into my energy field. Oh it is such true pleasure!
While I was sitting there enjoying the Scottish hymns, a child walked up to me and offered me an almond nut…. J
I saw her going from one person to the other with her little box and sharing…oooh I felt so honored…
I saw her delight in her eyes when I took the nut. So much joy in the sharing…
Thank you God for this lesson of sharing…I will never forget the body language of the little girl when I accepted the gift. So much love!
Next to me sat a baby trying to handle its phone, he was crying…but soon it was over…a thought came and it went parentally…he smiled again…J NO WORRIES…only discovery and openness…J
Then a dad walked in front of me holding a one year (?) old at his hand. The father a little bowed sharing the joy of the child (I assume it was the father, let just make up the story it was the fatherJ)
it showed me what Mama-P. was doing with me…I am walking my first steps in new territory…in the truth of what is and all what is NOT is leaving my life… and that shakes sometimes as an earthquake…J
It goes together with a body that is upset, with a mind that is upset…because I am breaking through all my old belief systems…it was as if I was locked up in a box and there was a box after that box…
In my 'IAM' I realize it is no hard work…it is my MIND sometimes that tries to let me know ’it is hard’!
If the one whispers in my ear that we want to be free, I know it is not my IAM, but the one that believes we are NOT free.
haha the one that is free, doesn’t even THINK how to get free…
The I AM is FREEDOM….no journey to me…just AWARENESS of the truth…
Dorothy clicks her red shoes…that’s all she needed to do and she was home again…
Sitting on the grass…looking to the sunset….i was watching my body/mind and I could see how gently I was today with myself.
I started the day with a gorgeous sunrise and yoga…that I trade in for my running…
Really!!!! This is an event like a tsunami or earthquake into my life….NO RUNNING????
I saw that the ‘saint’ voice tried to catch up with me and tried to fill me up with guilt and shame…again…
And what I did was taking Mama-P’s notes back and worked with it in a gently way, so I could SEE truth…
Then I listened to Mooji and that brought me in a good vibe…he said that when your life is in chaos…which is mine, I can tell you…(that’s how it feels)… J
that you are actually in the right place…J
Closer to the ‘IAM’ than ever…
Aaah…well, inside I knew that deep,
but still it gives more courage to hear it again…
and to let God UNDO me from all what I am not.
And while I am sitting there on my towel watching sunset…I got surprised by God by so many abundant surprises… J I could see it was the result of being gently with me…I was the GENTLY BEING and that’s what I got outside of me…J
First when I walked on the beach I heard a pipe player playing…I love it!
It gives me so much ecstasy in my 7th chakra.
I sneaked as close as I could to hear her magic tones travelling into the air, so I could feel the vibration of the waves coming into my energy field. Oh it is such true pleasure!
While I was sitting there enjoying the Scottish hymns, a child walked up to me and offered me an almond nut…. J
I saw her going from one person to the other with her little box and sharing…oooh I felt so honored…
I saw her delight in her eyes when I took the nut. So much joy in the sharing…
Thank you God for this lesson of sharing…I will never forget the body language of the little girl when I accepted the gift. So much love!
Next to me sat a baby trying to handle its phone, he was crying…but soon it was over…a thought came and it went parentally…he smiled again…J NO WORRIES…only discovery and openness…J
Then a dad walked in front of me holding a one year (?) old at his hand. The father a little bowed sharing the joy of the child (I assume it was the father, let just make up the story it was the fatherJ)
it showed me what Mama-P. was doing with me…I am walking my first steps in new territory…in the truth of what is and all what is NOT is leaving my life… and that shakes sometimes as an earthquake…J
It goes together with a body that is upset, with a mind that is upset…because I am breaking through all my old belief systems…it was as if I was locked up in a box and there was a box after that box…
In my 'IAM' I realize it is no hard work…it is my MIND sometimes that tries to let me know ’it is hard’!
If the one whispers in my ear that we want to be free, I know it is not my IAM, but the one that believes we are NOT free.
haha the one that is free, doesn’t even THINK how to get free…
The I AM is FREEDOM….no journey to me…just AWARENESS of the truth…
Dorothy clicks her red shoes…that’s all she needed to do and she was home again…
J
It is just now that I need to be aware of the mind that wants to STAY ALIVE…and
When I look at it it is a lie…the MIND isn’t alive…it is just a thought it thinks it is…puh…
ok well I am still dealing with that old mind structure…one step in front of the other…
Like the baby walking…
Anyway sitting on that towel…the sky some grey…not as spectacular as the sunrise this morning that gave me yellows, oranges and pinks. The sky kind of exploded this morning.
Tonight it is more gently, very soft…it is as I feel…
Really, you can’t imagine how rude and harsh I have been treating myself. So badly I almost destroyed myself. I can let that story go too…J
It is just now that I need to be aware of the mind that wants to STAY ALIVE…and
When I look at it it is a lie…the MIND isn’t alive…it is just a thought it thinks it is…puh…
ok well I am still dealing with that old mind structure…one step in front of the other…
Like the baby walking…
Anyway sitting on that towel…the sky some grey…not as spectacular as the sunrise this morning that gave me yellows, oranges and pinks. The sky kind of exploded this morning.
Tonight it is more gently, very soft…it is as I feel…
Really, you can’t imagine how rude and harsh I have been treating myself. So badly I almost destroyed myself. I can let that story go too…J
And now sitting here I realized that all what I did today…(it
was mama-P’s assignment)
ONLY doing the things you LOVE and you WANT.
I know it is chocking to write that since a few days I start realizing how the energy levels in my body work.
I depleted myself so so much…AND I realized when I was sitting there holding the almond nut, that it is the first time I am giving myself energy…really…it is the first time I am NOT taking from me…
I feel so good FEEDING myself with SUNRISE, YOGA, dolphins, turtles, Mama-P, Byron Katie, Mooji, healthy food, positive caring energy…waaaaw…I AM really FEEDING myself…
ONLY doing the things you LOVE and you WANT.
I know it is chocking to write that since a few days I start realizing how the energy levels in my body work.
I depleted myself so so much…AND I realized when I was sitting there holding the almond nut, that it is the first time I am giving myself energy…really…it is the first time I am NOT taking from me…
I feel so good FEEDING myself with SUNRISE, YOGA, dolphins, turtles, Mama-P, Byron Katie, Mooji, healthy food, positive caring energy…waaaaw…I AM really FEEDING myself…
I am filling my so dry empty cup….it was time…
I guess I will just surrender to the 22 days…because I still
feel so depleted.
Guess I have to keep on filling my cup with babies, almond nuts, friends, water, love, flowers, breezes, joy, ….mmmmm
The I who is really ‘IAm’ is watching down and sees…it is good…
BEING the ONE who is sharing…
Giving up the one that is scared and needs to control…
FAITH…J
Guess I have to keep on filling my cup with babies, almond nuts, friends, water, love, flowers, breezes, joy, ….mmmmm
The I who is really ‘IAm’ is watching down and sees…it is good…
BEING the ONE who is sharing…
Giving up the one that is scared and needs to control…
FAITH…J
This morning my friend D. said, when I announced that the
Ocean water in Mekena landing is always so crystal clear, that I am already
happy when I just see my nose in the water…. J
He kind of joked that I make from murky water clear crystal water…
Guess I am a magician…J
You get the picture…I guess I am ‘fast happy’ (Belgian expression), and I see this as a good thing…
As I know I am not the body and not the mind I will still enjoy this life here on Earth, which is a true gift and delight. And I want to be choosing who I want to be…I like to be the one that is content with the small things and sees the Rainbows in the drops of water in the morning dew… and know that those things are actually not small at all…J
And I don’t need to be a SAINT to see that…J LOL
nor I need to be perfect...
maybe it is even good once a while to say “Enough”.
He kind of joked that I make from murky water clear crystal water…
Guess I am a magician…J
You get the picture…I guess I am ‘fast happy’ (Belgian expression), and I see this as a good thing…
As I know I am not the body and not the mind I will still enjoy this life here on Earth, which is a true gift and delight. And I want to be choosing who I want to be…I like to be the one that is content with the small things and sees the Rainbows in the drops of water in the morning dew… and know that those things are actually not small at all…J
And I don’t need to be a SAINT to see that…J LOL
nor I need to be perfect...
maybe it is even good once a while to say “Enough”.
Especially to my own nagging MIND…J
What if nothing is wrong? (Mama-P.)
What if nothing is wrong? (Mama-P.)
When I am left wit TRUTH, I will only see I am ONE LOVE...
I had glimpses of it...ready to undo more so that remains ONLY.
I had glimpses of it...ready to undo more so that remains ONLY.
Love tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com
www.rainbowsheart.com
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