Here I am: Falling apart and falling together

Maui sunset 12/11/2012

It takes two visits to the emergency room for me to make a conscious step IN LOVING MYSELF.
The first antibiotics were worked out and I got sick again…
In the morning my inner voice was very CLEAR;“You need to put the fear not having money aside and go and take care of your SELF.”
Than The Universe will take care of you and money will be there to pay it.
It is time for you to trust and to LOVE yourself.

So haaaa, I OF COURSE postponed my visit…pulling it off, waiting for a miracle...
You know that story of that guy in a flood sitting on his roof.
And one person comes to save him and he sent that person away, because he is waiting for God to safe him. A second and third little boat came and all of them he sent away, because....God is going to come...
He drowns of course and when he comes to God he is angry and asks: "I thought you were going to come and save me????"
"I did"; said God;"I sent 3 boats, but you sent them all away!"

LOL
I had to see that doctors, hospitals and ER are God too...

When the pain was to much I was suddenly happy that hospitals, doctors and ER’s exist!
Happy i am not so stubborn as the guy on the roof..HUhum...

But before I went to ER I talked to Mama-P. and she…you know everything happens in the right moment…
all so perfect in order…I had to talk to her before I could make the step to the ER., really

Because it was not only about taking care of my body…every illness has its spiritual cause, and that was the root I had to dig out. I was the root of LACK of SELFLOVE.
And Mama-P. is my healer of my Soul. My awareness counselor, truth teller, clarity ‘slapper’, the holder of self-love, the holder of the space within I can transform, the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE fairy godmother,…
I can go on and on…but I guess you are getting it…

The last days my body was in chaos, but my MIND was as much in chaos…My awareness wasn’t.
Can never BE…But I couldn’t see that anymore.
It felt as if I was lost…In my mind I lost my center, but all that times I WAS my center…OH boy J

I DIDN’T SEE any more, I thought I was dying…lost… chaos… losing my grip on life J woeha…
I was feeling my whole life was falling apart…
Knowing inside it is falling TOGETHER really for the first time…
SURRENDER….
That awareness was there, but my fear would cover it up each time over and over again…
Mama-P. would show it to me over and over again and AGAIN…that it was falling together, really.
The next day the pain of my body and my crazy mind would cover it up again…and let me believe I was falling apart.
Mama-P. would dig it out again… falling together…
Clarity…

Oh ok…Yes…
The next day I would be whining I was falling apart…

Oh my…

Anyway mama-P. GOT me in the RIGHT spot yesterday, as she always just kicks my butt in the right moment, at the right place…jeee she is something! J

I am so happy I can LOVE her without any fear of being TOO MUCH…
Of being to passionate…
You know…
I never ever get censured…she is freedom…
and I guess that is what she wants for me...
that i am not holding back anymore in LOVING me!

Then yesterday she said something that upset me…
well that kind of challenged me in a really good way…

She told me that I lOVE her as much as I love me…
So all my love I give to her has the quality of love I feel for myself…

Long silence…oh shit…damned...f..k...crap...

She just hit me right in the eye…haha
I know that my Self love is improving but was CRAPPY for a long time…J
Oh boy….so all my love messages, my love hearts I send to her… it is like…
a beautiful painting bleached by the SUN.
Oh no…
It shifted something drastically within me…
In the silence listening to her…

Right there I couldn’t NOT love me anymore. I couldn’t.

So since that minute, every single thing I do that is not loving towards myself, I see the love I express to mama-P. shrinking as snow for the sun.
Oh nooooo.
That made me so aware of what was love and what wasn’t that I am only doing the loving part anymore!!!
I started making MORE conscious choices to love me even more…and more!
So I can love her more… I have an agenda...hahah J

And ok I am loving myself of course since a year already, since I met her…So many things I don’t do anymore that hurts me… And lately I dropped the addiction…but what I really deeply decided was to DROP all WORRY that comes in my mind fron now on, because….
BECAUSE I don’t want to do that to myself anymore!
I love myself to much to give worry a change…No way…
That’s what I decided yesterday…
I know now already that if sadness appears I am thinking something that is not true.
So I see through it and let it go as a cloud in my sky…

I realized that I can RELAX now…it is all about loving myself.
Everything falls into place when you are there.
And the loving myself part is in fact a RESULT of knowing who I AM.
I am awareness playing Tamara or Rainbow here on Earth….
LOVE is a flagrance of that awareness, such is JOY too…So
If I am that awareness, I AM LOVE… and my whole world reflects that back to me….

WOEHA!

Today was one of the most beautiful days of my life.

It started with a gorgeous sunrise and ended with a gorgeous sunset….

I am awareness and I had lost myself completely in the chaos the days before today.
Thought I lost my passion for life…but today I found it back…in being who I truly am…awareness…
And that is love and my world reflected that back to me today…
Sunrise, dolphins, turtles, whales, fresh cut grass,…
I COOKED for myself…THIS IS A MAJOR EVENT!!!A gorgeous sunset….
My body caressing the water…
go on and on…I was PRESENCE today!!!!

And I RELAXED and I had an aha moment in realizing that my JOB is now to REST.
I accepted it, I poured myself in it…for the first time in my life I allow myself to REST!
Not only my body, but also my thoughts…
The thoughts that yesterday still were telling me I had to get up and work…
get up and do this and do that…even though I was sick on the floor…
Today…
I know it is MY JOB to rest and I am sure I will get my paycheck for it..
As mama-P would say I am happily dependant on the UNIVERSE.

I want to share with you of the passions of today: Maui sunrise and sunset!!!
Splendor!