The screaming child...it is you, it is the Magical child

Damned, I had a hangover today.
Unfortunately it wasn’t because I had drunk my bottle of ‘Menage a trois’ all by myself. I better had.
No, I gave that one away to my great friend M. in the bay this morning.
I was just off today.
I was so happy yesterday that the FINAL ACT of ‘Menage a trois’ was over and out, so I could start being the being I really AM and see my new world unfolding; but I missed it completely.

See, that was my mistake. I didn’t have to start anything. I was already that BEING.
But I THOUGHT I had to do effort to get away from that awful situation with CL. and Mc. (‘Menage a trois’, see other blogs)
I am the “IAM” being, I don’t have to do anything to BE that. And that’s what I forgot.
The thought that I had to do effort to be the one’ I AM’, that thought just necked me the whole day.
I realize NOW that we only have to be UNWILLING to play in the ILLUSION anymore.
In reality all the roles we are playing don’t exist. But when we believe in those roles, we are lived by it and get consumed by it and….no good! It’s a NOno…

Today I was kind of the actor that came home after playing its character, but couldn’t get out of it and so experienced an identity crisis. I hope you are still following.

I felt so much anger.
And it was pointed to CL.(see Menage a trois 1,2,3 and final ACT) and all her insensitive actions towards me.
I just couldn’t get over it.
I was in the play, nobody around now...no audiance...only me.
I walked on the stage and sat down and let memories come into my head…
I didn't have to return, I could go on...why was I doing this?

I was so in pain. I felt so hurt.
Where was my "IAM' state?

I compare my ‘IAM’ state always with a blue cloudless sky, airy and spacious.
Well today I had dark low clouds hanging. There was no wind to let them pass by.
They were sticking and made everything dark and sad.
It was later that I realized that I was in control, and had the power to blow the clouds away.
But oh no, I was so emerged in my anger, I couldn’t see straight anymore.

A few times today I was conscious enough to see how Nature could take me out of this illusion.
I attracted the most amazing experiences in nature and when that happened, I wasn’t thinking at all.
I even felt completely happy and peaceful.
Conscious I saw that animals get angry when they do and stop when they are done being angry.
They didn’t make up any stories. It just comes and goes. No stickiness.
So I could see that if you don’t identify with anger, the clouds pass in the sky and drift by.
And when you identify and stay with it, it becomes a big storm!
So the trick is to be angry as an animal…J angry when you are, and not when you aren’t.
NO STORIES!

It is our mind that makes up stories and puts us on an emotional rollercoaster.
If we quit the shit, (P-Yoda would say) the mind can go on a retirement plan.
In the ‘I Am’ state there are no stories….you experience anger and it just passes…and it is gone…
no story…like the animals :)

 Nature saved me a few times today….A cardinal talked to me this morning and came so close, it was amazing. He was so beautiful and was singing his song for me. It took me out of the illusion of anger. I wasn’t having a hangover feeling anymore when I was PRESENT with him. His red color was so intense. The wind was blowing his feathers on his head straight; he looked like a little punk. He had a funny Mohawk on his head. He didn’t notice that I was smiling with his funny look.
HMMM maybe he was not singing a tune, but laughing with my Rasta hair…hah J
My friends always laugh when I come out of the Ocean, parentally I am a Rasta fare in that moment!
I forgot the role I was playing earlier and found deep peace and happiness.
I was ‘IAM”!
And then the second intervention came from a Octopus. I was in the ocean, again with my worrisome thoughts, disturbing the energies of the ocean in fact…haaa. I was THINKING what I had to learn from the “Menage a trois’ play, instead of having closure about it. My thoughts kept it alive. This was not clever I can tell you! So THOUGHTS, thoughts, thoughts rushing through my head...

I dived to a beautiful fish and suddenly I got a whole black cloud of ink in my face. Haha J I literally got the dark cloud I was creating since this morning right in my face!
And when I got over that and dived a second time the Octopus gave me a STINK eye…telling me…

IT IS ENOUGH, already! J GET your priorities straight! Enough of that unconscious sh.t!

I guess something had to come out of me today...(trust the journey, hei!)
because I had to wait until sunset to hear this voice yelling at me;
“How naif are you to think you are strong enough to be in a abusive situation?”
“Don’t go in it in the first place!”
“I don’t want to hear anymore that you have to save people!”
“I don’t feel safe with you!”
“How can I ever trust you?”
“When are you done giving us up?”
“You hurt me!”
“You are not strong at all!”
“When are you going to love us enough to stop it?”
“Why are you so faithful and loyal to what makes you unhappy?”

“Why do you THINK you are unworthy and you have to give yourself away to people that also THINK they are unworthy and then we have one bunch of Unworthy THINKING people, that don’t have the guts to be who they really ARE?”
“Why do you believe that?”
I am sick of it…

It was my inner child. Still wounded from all my neglect since...ever...

When I tried to give it a  a hand it just slammed me away. It didn’t wanted to talk or walk close. When I wanted to pick it up, it pushed me away. the child was especially angry for
the thought that I had a few times when I was in the middle of the relationship with CL. I had compassion with CL. because she said she got abused by Mc. And so a few times I had the thought; “I am strong enough to deal with this all.”  That had really pissed the child off.

“I don’t want to be jerked around anymore by you and your thoughts!”  

“It is when you do that THINKING thing that we feel insecure and a victim!”
“Where is the powerful horse in you? I want to talk to that one, not to the one that is to INSENSITIVE to love us enough to choice to stay in the 'IAM'. I don’t want to be giving a hand anymore to the one that is supporting the mind or wrong SELF!”

“I HAD ENOUGH!”

“From now on I want you to choose unconditionally in each moment for the ‘IAM’ state and create our beautiful world from there. I want to leave the darkness of fear, doubt , control, hate, anger, pain….
I don’t want to be in drama anymore. I don’t want to play those roles anymore. I don’t want to be the martyr anymore!”

My INNER child was shouting and yelling at me, and first it didn’t want to give a hand…
She was so ANGRY!

I could see she was right and that it was time we have to be WILLING not to serve that one we ARE not!!!
When we are willing to play a game with our Self then anger, fear, hypocrisy, doubt, failure, resistance, pain and suffering appears. We don’t live, but are lived by the mind/body.
It is as I described in my blog of FULL OF FAITH.(see blog from last week)
Are you faithful to the one you are not, just as faithful Dart Vader is to the dark side?
Or are you going to choose for the light and your 'IAM' state, and be as Luke Skywalker?

 The more I listened and the more I could see again, the more the wounded child calmed down. The wind start picking up and the dark clouds were dissipating.

The blue sky came free again….here where there is no control, but only allowing…here I am one with God. Here I am greatness, magnificence….here my INNER child and me are ONE…

The child started playing her flute...eternity....

Safe, joyful and happy…a blue sky in the background…clouds moving, but not sticking around anymore…
I am surrounded by helpers, everywhere…outside me, inside me…stttt I listen….
and choose..it is that easy…it is instant. No delay…timelessness…

Mama P-Yoda is teaching me this. Sometimes I forget to listen to the inner child. Sometimes I am helpless and don’t know how to deal with it. Mama P-Yoda is unconditional love and that is where I am walking too…together with the child on my hand..unfortunately we never have learned how to take care of our inner child….listen..listen ..she/he needs you… when you are sad, it is the child who’s crying… When you are angry, it is the child…. When you are in fear, it is….
I take her in my arms and there we go, every day more and more I do better…sorry for today, my love…
Better from now of on….
MY MAGICAL CHILD!

All love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com