Menage a trois, ACT 3

                                                   

I felt good to go with MC. to a place that was very secluded somewhere where I never took Cl.
My guidance was very clear…everything needed to be clear and new. We would clean out the pain and suffering we both had felt during this insane “Ménage a trois” play.
Is Cl. to blame? Well I believe she has responsibility, but mine was to jump much earlier from that drama play that was going on. But I didn’t love myself enough to do so. I was still identifying with being the VICTIM, instead of being aware of our true ‘I AM’ nature.

So in that case I was as much to blame...if you can use that word.
I like RESPONSIBILITY better and not in a heavy way…because it sounds heavy, but in a caring way…
See it is our life to live and do you love your Self enough to take responsibility to live your life in the most splendid joy ever? That is our true responsibility!

Here we are… I was making myself ready. Mc. would pick me up. On Friday I thought it was kind of insane what I was doing and I was scared of Mc. What if she hurts me, I was even scared for my physical well being, she had been very angry at me; which I could understand in a way.
And today I felt it was something truly remarkable what we were doing together and I was proud of her and me.
She was never really my enemy, but I know I was hers in the past…and here we are walking together to go to a deep place of forgiveness and love.

30 Minutes before she would come I get suddenly a text from CL. I didn’t hear from her after she announced she never wanted to talk to me again. Back then that was so drastic to me, she had put up a wall and that had hurt me so much. It was not the first wall she had pulled up in fact. I can see that now. Sometimes I am too abusive to myself. Anyway, I didn’t hear from her for about a month and now I suddenly get this long text telling me how much she loves me and misses me… and it also showed me clearly she was upset of what I had written in my blog the day earlier. She felt judged by me.

I thought I have been careful, but I don’t know…was I judgmental?

I am stuck with this ‘judgmental thing’ for years now and realize that I want to clear this up inside of me.
I am not speaking out of the position of victim, but I was abused lots of times in my life.
And every time the same thing came up for me and that is that I have to forgive the abuser and that I can’t be angry nor be judgmental with them.
And I always try to wipe it under the carpet, and try to ignore it. But then my anger turns inside against myself….Aaaah I asked God, this day today what I have to learn from this…how to see this, what to do with it.
If somebody slams you, they slam.
If somebody lies, they lie.
Do I have the right to say...you lie?

Anyway it stressed me out…because it is the last thing I want to do is to hurt Cl.
I felt compassion and love and her text was kinda loving, and in the same moment slapping me on the fingers. It didn’t feel right.

Something in me was aware and was asking inside of me…
How can somebody love you doing all those things?
Is it one thing to say the words “I love you” and then act totally different?
I don’t know… I was in doubt…my heart wanted to believe she loves me…or was it my mind?
And was my heart scared to get broken again?
Ooh was I getting seduced to go and play in that drama again?
Or was I already trapped into it?
I wished I could believe her, because I always had loved her and still do.
But she did such ‘Nono’ things with me…aaaah  …what to do???

So what is this all?
Oh I don’t know.
I felt so happy last week, maybe I should have said NOno…to everything, who knows…aaah. L


When Mc. arrived I was still in stress. I told her what happened…and before we knew it I could see that we were back in the same drama! CL. was telling both of us again the same story…

YUP! There we went again!
I had totally lost my ‘I AM’ position from this morning and couldn’t look from a distance anymore.
I was the player and felt all the pain again. I was playing the victim now. But I couldn’t see it, when I was in the middle of the drama!(now I am writing I see it again, but right there, I was in it totally!)

ACT 3 of ‘Menage a trois!

The curtain goes up and there are Mc. and R. driving to their healing place.
Mc. and R. were sharing and naturally lies got more and more revealed.
At a certain moment Mc. told R. so an upsetting thing that R. lost it totally.
The pain was so extreme; she didn’t know what to do with it.
It hurt her so terrible, her whole body was in pain. But it was nothing compared with the emotional pain she felt. It was like a knife planted in her broken heart without any mercy.
R. got confused now, how could the woman she loved Cl. be so cruel?
Maybe Mc. tried to just get even with her? All those thoughts rushed through her mind and body...
it was terrible.

At the same moment that I was in the middle of stress, still there was a voice in me that was the real me pushing to continue the trip; because 'the hurt one' just wanted to jump out of the car.

'The hurt one' was the one in so much pain…and I flipped in and out from that IDENTIFICATION, to my true SELF identification. I was not totally gone…oef J

We continued and came to the magical place in Haiku. It is a place where I swam before and where dolphins came and checked me out. The view was marvelous it was a bay that was tucked away by two big cliffs. When you look down, about 30 meters I estimate you could see the turquoise water rolling over the green boulders in the Ocean. It was just a magical place in beautiful Maui, it is called Pilale bay.
We climbed down the muddy path way and used robes to get totally to the cleansing ‘breathing’ bay.
We walked a little and I was still in great distress. But something in me demanded to pull me back.
I had to help MC. to heal.

So I went sitting down on a boulder, closed my eyes and went inwards, searching for my ‘IAM’. I found it and saw dolphins circling around me, dissipating the hurt full thoughts that were surrounding me. I felt peace coming over me and suddenly I was the watcher again and I saw the play on a distance.
I calmed down with asking if it was true what I was thinking about Cl. and when I took it back to myself I saw how insensitive I was towards her right now, in being angry. But one step closer to my heart was the knowing how INSENSITIVE I was to myself to have given my power to an outside force. In that moment I of awareness I could take my power back…
I found peace and was ready to help MC.
I felt love again… I was ok…

We worked and did the ceremony and it all felt good…
We were held by the Nature power of the boulders, the Ocean and the safe embrace of the two cliffs that held the bay secret.
Our Souls just went into the flow of the moment in this magical bay in Haiku…
Until Mc. felt it was done…we climbed up again…and it was all good…

Mc. and I drove back through Paia and something really remarkable happened, something that is worthy looking at. Mc. stopped to let a pedestrian go over the cross walk and while he was crossing he stopped and put a bottle of mineral water in front of our car and continued walking.

I consider synchronic events like this as guidelines from the Universe. Something you have to look at.
Well our motive to go to haiku was cleansing and here this guy, blocked our way with a bottle of water. Mc. maneuvered around it, but in essence we could not pass.

What was this bottle of water?

Some of you might think, there she goes again…yes I love to listen to the Universe and feel what it means…especially if it is obvious that I SHOULD look. It doesn’t happen every day that somebody puts a bottle in the middle of the cross road in front of your car.
The bottle was half full, or was it half empty?
Immediately I felt that we healed Mc.’s part, but I still had to do mine. That was what I understood at least.

I never really asked Mc. what she thought about it and for her it could have a very different meaning.
But I knew deep inside I still needed to do my part.

When I came home I googled for fun the symbolic meaning for bottled water and you can’t believe it, I got results and I got this:

Out of genesis: And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the child drink.

Hmmm... ( I feel like a treasure hunter now J, like Indiana Jones detecting the messages…haha of a bottle of water..yeye you never know! J)

This is what my Indiana Jones personality understood:

God opened her eyes  = I would say that something got revealed to her of truth, the true essence within behind the eyes
She saw a well of water =  she sees her true essence, the ‘IAM’ state, it is the state of pure love and abundance, it is all what is….
and she went =she went to that source of I Am and comes in the Kingdom
and filled the bottle with water= the bottle is standing for her body/mind identification and she fills it with I AM awareness
and gave the child drink= she gives this ‘IAM’ energy to the wounded child, that plays the victim, the needy one (that is the one that MC.,CL and I played on the stage. It is the wounded child within)

So, I still had to do my piece of the water bottle, the other half…and indeed that happened today…

But that is for tomorrow’s blog…when I am even more clearly about all revelations I saw this day…
Tomorrow “ Menage a 3” last act. I had enough!

All love , tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com
Please feel free do go and view my art and buy some! :)