I am so effing cool! :)

Fucking great,... and what now? This is a blog not for children...

I am still in process to have the English language under the knee. (Belgian expression to say that you have it really together J…really, haha…that will be the day!
Now i still keep up some appearances right here ( I dTHINK)...but when i open my mouth and talk about dOUTHS and dhat and moDDer,...hihi..
Oh and my Durthy eye...:)

I KNOW NO-THING!

Lately I am poured in a new culture of American English and it goes about words like fucking, sucka, sucker, shit, hell, insane,..…and I don’t know what to do with it YET.
But I still don’t understand or am feeling safe to use those fucking words and I don’t know if I ever will use the word fucking or the word shit in my stories.
I am honest, truly, it always shocks me to hear that fucking word.
It is shitty I know, it sucks that I am not more open to use those insane bad words in my sentences. But fuck, I don’t really dare to use it, I am a real sucka. Aaah I wish I know it is just fucking ok, you know.

I know I have to let go of the story around those fucking words and just give it a fucking chance, right?
Some people probably THINK it is inappropriate and really shitty to use it and now I learned today that it fucking can be used as an fucking affectionate word. Hell, I guess, you have to weigh it off in each different  fucking situation, before you use it. This is so fucking insane, you know.
My friend M. used the fucking word in the bay this morning and I kind of fucking ran away from it. That one shitty word has the impact of a whole fucking army if you give it that fucking power. And I kind of was a sucka and choose to fucking hide for it, so I fucking forgot really what it fucking really meant.
What does it really mean, anyway?

Is it good or fucking bad?
I already had put a judgment on it is is fucking bad!!!


Stories stories…it are all just stories. Some we make up ourselves and some we are spooned in (Belgian expression spooned in= means taught from the day you were born) from our culture.
I guess it was my mom that forbid me to use ‘bad’ words.

As there are good and bad words , ha…now I don’t know it anymore…
What a sin to say a bad word…
Aah it is ridiculous that we put so much judgment on everything.
Nothing has ever a chance of freedom that way.
How much we take our own freedom away….

Mama p-Yoda taught me the following. I was in distress the other day because I wanted to figure out the difference between judgment and discernment; as was judgment a bad thing and discernment a good thing. Knowing that if I am the light I should be a good girl and only use good discernment. I certainly can’t judge anybody or anything outside of me or I am a bad girl!
I was BUSY for an hour figuring that out…and then called Mama-P-Yoda. In 5 minutes she took all the wind out of my sails, (she is really good in that) and stopped my busy thoughts and said;
”You don’t really need any of that honey, because if you are true to your Self and in the center of your life, and you are love then you don’t need to be careful and don’t need to figure anything out. Then you just do what is in front of you to do. And you don’t put any word on it as judgment, nor discernment. Then it is just a choice. I say YES or no. And that’s it. A yes is a yes to me and a No is yes to me.
If it is called judgment or discernment, it doesn’t really matter.”

So that was the end of that…stories, everything we do ...are just stories. It is not who we really are.
So all the stories we have about those words are just stories, nothing more…
it depends on how much judgment you put on it and for one person it can be a sin, for another it can be love…really….it is all ok! It are all fucking stories any way!

Stories…how much we can be carried away…

I start really seeing through the stories…I was kind of still recovering this afternoon from my cold and I wanted to sleep and I was totally ok and in myself and fine…until I got a text from somebody I was going to swim with the next morning…she texted me she changed her plans…and it kind of gave me a feeling of rejection and I didn’t feel good anymore…I saw the story slipping in and I saw myself drifting away to not feeling good. But I saw it happening and I knew that there must have been something before that….
I must have rejected myself somewhere  first in order to feel rejected…if I stay in the WITNESS position I am opening my arms for this information that comes from outside of me to show me what’s inside of me.
It is interesting to watch it happening…
Immediately I could see ( because I know now already when I start suffering I am believing something that is NOT true)
how I was believing crap…I thought she doesn’t like me, blablabla…you know stuff…really…
I could see I was pointing the knife in my own heart … with allowing to BELIEVE those thoughts!!!!
At that very moment my neighbor (see other blogs, July 4^th) came home and was cleaning of his driveway….while I was dying in my bed thinking THOUGHTS that were torturing me…
(But the good news was that I was the WATCHER too looking at it)…
I was NOT completely absorbed by the victim IDENTITY in me…
the WATCHER was there too, which is great news….
Suddenly I hear my neighbor shouting;”Bitch!”
At first, as in the past, I would take it on me… and my attention would go to him and ‘HUP’ there I would suddenly be fighting with a STORY about him…
BUT this time I saw through it!!!

Yep
Proud of myself.



I put the imaginary knife aside …well imaginary…you know our thoughts can really cut us in pieces.
Do you know how we torture ourselves and make ourselves sick and even murder ourselves with our own violent thoughts?
It is never pointed to another; it is always to the Self. There is no other, there is only you!
The other is in service for you to show you how you are to your SELF!
I must have rejected myself already the day before just with one SO called innocent thought as; “you are not worthy.” Yes, that one word can set of an avalanche that will come back to you to show, what you were thinking  about yourself!” It is amazing how it works…And don’t be afraid, one thought can’t set off the hell…but honestly I am feeling or dragging that thought already for a long time; and I feel it is time to say goodbye to it!!
Yeah, no more unworthiness anymore….Not for me and not for you!
We quit the shit together!
Anyway..I was loving enough to put the knife away and to take the child in my arms and to rest in SELF-LOVE.
And then I did some internal inquiry and saw that my thoughts were based on the stories I have in my head…and not based on truth…
I was disappointed, because of the text message the person had written to tell me she was not going to swim anyway. Really…REALLY…ah Rainbow… you should know better..
1) There is never something that is called coincidence. If an appointment falls away it is because God has something else for you. And sometimes that can just be YOU! What a concept! What a gift to be able to be with you!
2) Disappointment is an appointment not met. Let it go! That’s all!
Look around you and see the fullness of who you are.
3) I learned from F. my Soulmate, REJECTION= REDIRECTION
4) I took it to personal,it didn’t have anything to do with me> She decides from her center of her world and i want to trust her journey. And when you are there, you know that you live from faith and not from fear.
5) And if I am really honest I love to swim on my own anyway. So in the end I got what I wanted if I am true with myself. I love to be free in the water, because often I get side tracked by some wild animals…J

and if somebody is with me, I have to  take care of them…so all good…perfect…
6) And realizing all these things made me write my friend Mc back and I told her my truth.

I felt free! and happy and the flow of energy brought joy into my life....
Mama P_yoda called me and that is always a delight and a glorious moment in my day.

Then Mc showed up and we went for a walk and we had a good time and it was then I learned about American language…when can you use some fucking cool words? And that was fun and liberating....how bold do I dare to be, right?
Now I decided not to play the role of nun (see other blog this week) anymore, I thought maybe I have to be more open to use some fucking insane cool sucka words.
And as I am this pro freedom bird that wants to be free in everything she IS; why not be open…
So I opened myself… hahah J

I listened to how MC was using the words 'fucking' and 'sucker' and it is really cool, really.
She did say that sometimes they write it in a certain way, but I forgot because were walking on the beach.
Something like eefg, or the f-word…mmm I fucking forgot…JJ
Wait!

EFFIN

I love it when I am taught more about the American culture. J

The question now is not

TO BE OR NOT TO BE
but

Do I use FUCKING words or not?
To be continued…J

Oh just this…

Mc made tea for me, and on my teabag is a little note that says

To learn, read

To know, write

To master, teach

Hei I guess I am putting this in practice!!!
I am reading her fucking texts about fucking cool words, and  I am writing about the fucking cool thing  that I just learned and I start knowing those cool words and while I am mastering how to use the f-word and the sucka word… and see the deeper meaning of it…I transform it in deep profound teachings for all of us…How cool is that!

J Am I full of myself? Is the fucking worthiness finally fucking gone!

But truly I still don’t get the SUCKA word…more to learn, more to know and more to teach…

What if I tell you I DON'T KNOW A THING AT ALL … J
and am just playing a sucka...hahah...whatever it means, right?!

haha
I am such a free spirit!

love tamara rainbow
buy my wonderful effing paintings on my website www.rainbowsheart.com