NEVER forget who I am!

Never forget who I am!

Jesus, I was good sick I guess that is how we would say it in Belgium. I couldn’t even write my blog.

My body, mind and spirit were begging for rest…so I listened. And you can say well that is no big deal. But for me it is. Since 20 years, I think, I didn’t skip one day of running. And I am always passionate about painting and writing and swimming…so I don’t really stop a lot…until I really get a STOP…like this then…

I was really hit by that cold yesterday and I must have had fever, because at some point I didn’t know how to put my car in first gear and blocked the whole lane at Lipoa street to go on the high way,...
something in my brain was blacking out… I even had to remember how to start my car… that was the moment I decided to go home and rest some more and to quit everything… (especially the shit!)

Oh my goodness, it was really intense the last two weeks and even today was super intense. It feel like the caterpillar that was in its cocoon for so long and saw the light to come out, but closed it each time over and over again ...for years now…and today I have a feeling that God doesn’t give me a choice anymore. It is as if I get pushed and pulled through it! No mercy anymore. No delay. No postponing.
No lingering. No procrastinating.

I could hear God’s thoughts in my head….
“You have to be the butterfly, no whining no complaining…just a kick under your butt and there you go…”

All the old belief systems I was holding were taken of me, or I wouldn’t fit through the hole.
One by one God has presented them to me (see other blog)…you want to keep this one or not…yes I have a choice…
I have free will. I can stay in the darkness…I can stay with all my thick layers of junk turned around me, so I can’t impossible  move through that little hole…yes I can..I can choose that…and for some reason that was safer then to go through it... for many years…I saw I was scared for the unknown; and especially for the truth. I preferred to stay in a world of illusions and identities that I am NOT, then to become who I really am. We are all a magnificent beautiful butterfly. And each one of us is UNIQUE.
Are you also prepared to look through old beliefs that are not based on truth, so you can leave the junk behind and walk in light and joy WITHIN your SELF?

I left the cocoon life behind and stopped to hold on to any IDENTIFICATION.
I can be whatever I want, but I know that is not me.

If we let go and ALLOW everything GO we think we have to be, then there is only left WHO we really ARE. And you will feel: “Here I am!”
And that is what really is happening with me these last days. It is as my old life exploded and all the Un-needed junk is blown of me.

I have so much more awareness now.

Yesterday I had an amazing eye-opener.
I saw how many stories I put on people or things. How many times I make up stories before there is even something real. I saw that the only thing I have to deal with is here and now. Stories of the past are gone and stories of the future are just stories. Right here and now, is the only thing there is.
I had the awakening call when my neighbor walked in through my personal gate. The gate slammed and there I was with my story.
Lalalala…….All awful bad things about this innocent man…
And then I just saw through it…this is just a story. It is something made up. The only thing that was true in that moment was that he walked through the gate and the gate slammed. Maybe it wasn’t because he is not careful or ignorant…or he doesn’t like me…maybe it was just because it slipped out of his hands. Who knows?
I could see that I might have made up a whole bunch of stories about this man in the past, through the limited judgments I have about him. And I saw how I limited my life because of that.

I changed it and I am so much more in peace. My ATTENTION is not on him anymore, which I know now also won’t create what I don’t want.

I saw that you create life where your attention is. ATTENTION becomes INTENT and hoopla there you create. I love my apartment, but if I have all this negativity against him…you hear it already…
I am up AGAINST something…The Universe would understand I am not so happy with this apartment and wouldn’t support me in being in it…because I am having all this moody energy about this man next door…
And he isn’t really nice, neither in the neighborhood, but I can leave him out of my life. I don’t have to put my attention on him, but on me.

So it is important where you hold your ATTENTION in life!

And then today was so an incredible insane day.

I got up and I was still feeling sick, but I wanted to run the germs out of me and I did. I wanted to swim the germs out of me and did. And then I got those texts from MC. (see blogs Menage a TRois 1,2,3 and final Act) asking if I needed help.
You know I never ask for any help, ever. And I never really want any help, because I am always afraid to lose my freedom.

I thought I had closed those curtains (you will have to read ‘Ménage a trois’ blogs in order to understand what I am saying) and left the stage for good. I thought I had to close the relationships with Cl. and Mc.
I had done my internal work and had taken my projections that I had put on them back, taken my responsibility and cleared it out.
I had let them go and had thought it was better to let them go…but as you can see those are THOUGHTS and stories… and then suddenly she was there again.
She had read my blog, that I was sick and asked me through text how I was doing.
I felt it was nice of her and I answered. I was scared though to get hurt…so carefully I answered, really…

I was still scared because I had the story in my head that she might just have come to punish me.
Or the story that she just wanted to reveal lies from CL. to get to me…
Lalalalaalal….
Sunday was so painful what Mc had revealed some truth about CL. and that whole thing had set me off and had a major effect in my life. I exploded in anger… it felt as all the anger of 20 years just blow into the air…and then back unto me…and bang I was sick…J

So I was careful… and so not my true Self, or I wouldn’t have to be careful J
Anyway I decided at some point to just tell her the truth about how I felt. And then I got a 10 text messages back of how she felt…and it felt so honest …it is not for nothing we are born on the same day and year!

So I picked the phone and called her...an hour later she walked with a whole bag ( a treasure bag) with yammie food in my door and we talked for hours.
This time it was as if Cl. disappeared of the stage…
(and yes as my Mama P-Yoda explained later…you only have to deal with what is in front of you!!! That is your world. What is in front of you! If somebody is not in your world, she or he is not in it and so don’t bring them in it with stories about it! Just deal with what is here and now!)

After two hours of talking and listening back and forward...we just felt the same:
“This person is pretty cool and awesome and it is pretty shitty how we have to meet; but this other is me…and is a really good person!”
(As Mama P-Yoda later explained to me…this happens after you take care of your Self love...it is a result of who you were to yourself first!)

Mc and I gave each other a big hug and it felt so good. I couldn’t stop crying and she neither, I saw.
(As Mama P-Yoda would say…you gave yourself this big hug already and then it comes from the outside…you are always first! You are the One!)

I truly believe that Mc and I have contributed to ‘saving’ the world today J J hahaha

All what I let go the day before…
all my old belief systems…like I have to save the world, I have to love everybody…

I didn’t have to do anymore…but today I saw…
it is who I am...I will always want to (maybe not save the world) but make it a place of LOVE...
I will always want to want to love…
(As Mama P-Yoda says then to me…no need to love EVERYONE, but begin with the ones that walk into your world here and now..that is already enough!)

Oh my God I am still this little baby learning to take my first steps in this new reality… I just entered.
Instead of trying to make my world happen..I stepped into ALLOWING it to happen.
The first one is only based on my MIND and body and I have to be the one that is responsible.
The second one is giving it in God’s hands while I am the one that is the’ IAM’ and has what she wants…

And is who she is= LOVE.

Before she left Mc asked me to PROMISE her one thing and that blew my world wide open.
She asked me:” Don’t forget who I AM!”

Oh My God!
Now I know that the one in front of me always tells me who I am to myself…I knew that this was a message from my deepest core…
NEVER FORGET WO I AM! My crae blurred it out!
NEVER FORGET WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And automatically I will never forget the other neither!

Because truly there is no difference…
I am the other and the OTHER is me.

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com