A Chocolate croissant and you're in heaven

                       

I couldn’t believe my eyes when my dear friend M. showed up with a chocolate croissant for me when I was sitting in the bay this morning…OOOh it is my weakness, but it is a good one. I can’t believe that I was honored to get that.
She kind of put it in my hand, it was in a white bag…and I didn’t have to look. I could feel the fragile structure through the bag. I knew it immediately! A chocolate croissant! I could feel that the croissant was crispy; I just felt it through the paper….mmmmmm… water in my mouth…J

“Oh” , she said that is true; “You don’t do sugar anymore” and she kind of made a maneuver to take it back, but I was holding on to it as my life was depending on it. No way that I will let this treasure slip out of my EXISTENCE.

J
“I’ll make an exception”, I announced.

Since I don’t do sugar anymore I feel so much better. I have finally my foot back that was inflamed for months. I can truly witness that sugar isn’t that good… J
but a chocolate croissant, I mean….for God’s sake it is like bringing the best of Europe in my lab.
It awakens my nose, my mouth, my eyes, my taste,….ooh it is like getting a food-orgasm.
Hmmm chocolate croissant…
I told M. not to tell anyone that came closer what was in that little white bag. I told her I would defend it with my life… like a dog…grrrrrrrr
She laughed.

When our friend H. showed up, she never had a change to even see there was a little white bag with the ALL WANTED ‘delicatesse’ in it. I had put Harry Potter’s magical cap over it, so nobody could see it anymore…haha J
I treasured it for hours before I ate it at home…one little bite after the other…tasting it like a good glass of wine….. J

M. and I had a wonderful swim, but I still was not 100%. My sinus was stuck and I felt very tired. And in the afternoon I just got a broke down… it felt all so much… after last week moving through the drama of ‘La ménage a trois’ (see Menage a trois blogs)was exhausting. And then today I heard that a friend of mine that was an artist died. And I just hit me.
And you know I know we never die and all those beautiful concepts, right..tralala…blablabla
But then when you go with your MIND (which is not OFTEN a good thing) you feel like that person is ZIP gone…waaw she was here and now she is gone.
Life is so Zip here I am, here I go….
Life is change that is the nature of life and the more we allow that, the more we just enjoy. But I know we are here to exactly learn that…letting go…letting BE.
I could see that I tried to grab my mind around Mr’s death…and that doesn’t really work, you know.

Because she was an artist too, I could feel the ridiculousness of wanting to accomplish anything in life.
I mean a s a do-er…Doing something, making paintings, making things happen,…all of that kind of energy shoot an emptiness in my heart.
It is not necessary..we are so caught up with what we want to do, or what we want to keep..I mean our bodies, our minds, our possessions, our imprint we want to leave into the world,…
I saw the big illusion, right there when I saw Mr. died.
She doesn’t take her paintings with her, nor can she paint again.
Also that conviction from our collective that artists only get appreciated when they are death, came into play. It just felt so empty, of non importance and I didn’t know what to do with this emptiness I was feeling. It was I was floating on pure no-thing-ness. I saw Mr. close and I knew she was ok and in the light. It was as she came to let me know all of what I was feeling…that nothing really matters.

I was so tired I slept this afternoon. I always feel guilty when I do that. I need to work! But after Mr.’s message to me, it didn’t really matter…

I woke up and I felt so ‘in triest’ (= Belgian for deep sadness) and I didn’t know from where it came.
I didn’t know what to do with the emptiness…what to do, what to do?
That set of another fear…the fear of being homeless and starving… and hup I was gone…
out of balance I tried to grab some ‘security feeling’…but there was none..

Only No-thing-ness …was what I felt…

Normally when I get in a state like this, I paint and so I took my brush and painted…
Amazingly I always get connected with God again and that is when I felt what was the real difference…
Emptiness not connected to God and only observed from the body/mind feels like HELL.
Emptiness connected to God and observed from the IAM place feels like heaven.

I could see now that my fear came up when I perceived emptiness through the body/ mind. Then it IDENTIFIED with my body /mind and all the fears came up to sustain that body/mind state. Fears as being homeless and starvation is only feared by the body/mind space.

The shift happened when I was standing in front of my amazing beautiful painting and fell on my knees before God and said;”ok, I don’t know it anymore. I don’t know anything.”
In that moment connection was made, it kind of was as an explosion in my heart and tears rolled down my cheeks…I was all what I could be…I was IAM, there was no separateness between me and God.

I knew the truth right there; there was no fear anymore, just emptiness that felt as ALL connectedness…
I was it all…I Am abundance….

In that moment I got a text from my friend Mc. that left yesterday the island to go back to Eugene (see earlier blogs) and she wrote; ”Time spent nurturing the body and mind is never wasted.” She had text that because an hour before I had shared with her I felt guilty taking a nap.

Her text just opened my whole world…

Here I am the whole day nurturing body/mind with giving into stories that are not even true; because if you are afraid of starvation and it is not happening in the moment. You are on a trip of lies….I was nurturing my MIND/body space and I forgot to NURTURE my ‘IAm’ state!
It was amazing I got that text just when I opened my heart before The Universe telling I was empty and didn’t know it anymore… it brought me back into the truth of who I am…. IAM.
There is no death there,…there is only emptiness that opens the space to ALL-LIFE…

You are it all there…You are God.
You are not this little body/mind concept that has to try to make her life work…

No no  I AM and in the “IAM” state I ALLOW everything to come to me that resonates with the magnificence IAM….

Hmmm there it is…in that heaven of being ‘IAM’  I attract chocolate croissants delivered in my bay by my dearest friend M. that loves me the way I am…

God is all giving…

Had also this happening this afternoon…and is funny…heard this on a you tube video; “What if your mother or father has put a whole bunch of money under a floor somewhere in your house. It is there, but you THINK it is not. You starve the whole time, because you are not open for the real truth of abundance, of who you truly are. Once you open of who you are you just know where the money is.
By hearing this I remembered a funny story when I was 7 or 8. I went to Switzerland with my mom, dad and my brother and one day I saw them hiding the money they had with them in the hotel room.

I must have been concerned they wouldn’t find it back, so ...me as 7 year old ‘wise-nose’ wrote a little note and put it on the table where everybody could just see it.
Money is under the couch or something like that…

When we came back from hiking my parents found the note…

J Anyway just as a metaphor to show that I don’t have to look outside for abundance. I just have to read my own note I wrote to myself…. J

I AM…

Love tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com