R.I.P

There will be a moment that I will finally know that all what I am writing about, are only stories. Nothing is so serious. It is all an illusion. It is a world we create. The truth is that we are the infinite Universe playing a human game.
I told you already that I am moving in a deep space of serenity, the road towards it is not always peaceful. My thoughts that are the body/mind freak out sometimes about the decision of the ‘Iam’ space to surrender totally. And better the ‘IAM’ space doesn’t need any surrender, it is SURRENDER.

Point is to just walk into the ‘IAM” space and let your thoughts SERVE you.

I get instruction to let go off everything.
I don’t know anything anymore.

Really true.

I am lucky I have silly friends that keep me in the present moment. They are so sweet. This morning M. was so excited she was the ‘star’ in my blog yesterday.
She announced to the others; “You only have to give Rainbow a chocolate croissant and you are the star of her blog!” J
I can go with that. If each one of them brings every morning a croissant for me, I will make them the star of my story, why not. The importance is that I am getting a crispy yummy croissant. J
hahaha
M. and Ms. did let me know today that they don’t really read my blogs…haha the bandits…they just kind of over read it fast to see if they are in it. Now I will have to write something of each one of them in my blog, if I want to FORCE  J them to read it.
I have to tell you about S. because he scored today. It is very funny and we love to tease each other…
he was good…he asked me very concerned; “Rainbow, you still sound as if you have a cold.”
And I told him (sometimes you have to know what is ‘tmi’=to much information)that I have a sinus infection and that yellow liquid comes out of my nose. I better had swallowed those words...because instantly S. announced for the whole group; “So kind of the color of your hair?”
“Ge, thanks S.”, I said, “Now I know you think my hair color looks like SNOT.”
He kind of tried to lighten up the situation…knowing he doesn’t say that to a lady…J hahahah lady…
But it was to late, he blew it and I am preparing myself on some of revenge….
I wrote the two other girls that we need to find a name for him.
The fierceness speaker….the trouble maker…Speedy Gonzales…
Ha… JJ
So now I know they are going to read my blog…hahaha J maybe…
Also I just want to say that laughter is one of the golden rules to bring you in the moment of NOW.
Laughter is the light that can STOP your worrisome thoughts!!!
Your troubled thoughts might even become so ridiculous that you just laugh them away! J
Laughter is like the Sun, that scares the dark clouds (thoughts) out of your blue sky .(the state of ‘IAM’)

When I come home often those thoughts show up again and drive me nuts sometimes…

I don’t know how to make my art work, how to sell…what to do…there is nothing to do…but my mind freaks out , it doesn’t have any control anymore and it wants to do things to have everything under control. The mind wants to be ‘secure’ in the security it THINKS it needs to be, to be safe.
And I feel all of that and I still leap…
Well, I can proud say that I took many leaps in my life. The leap to move to Hawaii is a big one for instance...this time I leap within the empty space within myself.

My mind goes crazy just feeling it, but there is another awareness that just soars and has FAITH.
I had made a painting a month ago and my Identity I had chosen was that of the horse. After 20 years of being the victim, the horse was a stable strong, fierceness power. Mama P-Yoda had asked me to close my eyes and see the new identity I wanted to be; it was the horse that showed up. The horse that is FEARLESS!

But lately I felt I wasn’t the horse so much anymore. I told Mama P-Yoda that I feel resonant with the horse anymore. It didn’t feel right anymore and that’s why a few days ago I painted over the horse.
Mama P-Yoda asked me how that felt and I told her it felt peaceful and good.
I said that it was as if I moved from the energy of pushing and pulling and trying to manifest to the energy of ALLOWING, SURRENDER and FAITH. The horse still WANTED to have control and manifest,
It wanted to make things happen.

I painted and painted and the energy of the painting changed completely.
I moved from being the horse to the little energy ball in the left corner.

And then yesterday (see blog about Croissants) I had a break down. I just didn’t have it anymore. My mind was driving me nuts, pushing me to do something about my life; because we were losing control.

But my essence, my ‘IAM’ state was just moving more and more in FAITH.

It was as if a battle between Dart Vader and Luke Skywalker was going on inside of me.
The dark side was my mind and the light side was my Magnificent ‘IAM’ state.

It was my Mind that attacked the light side. My ‘Iam’ state didn’t fight back, it just was….
But my body/mind was in an attack because of deep despair…
I went sitting on my knees and asked God; “What do you want me to do?”
And the answer was short but so profound.

“You aren’t that little ball, THINKING you are that makes you so afraid.
You are the WHOLE picture…you are abundance, YOU ARE!
You are it all….
There is nothing to fear…
Falling into emptiness is falling into my arms.
Just let go, now. Let go.”

The moment I felt the expansion of my true being, tears were rolling over my face…

I felt myself entering in an emptiness never felt… but the emptiness didn’t really feel empty…
It felt as the painting…I was staring at the picture…God just told me that I was ALL of that.
Once I ALLOWED the emptiness, everything was there…I was the WHOLE Universe.
A feeling of connectedness and expansion moved through my being.
I felt it into my ‘IAM” state, but it moved through all my chakras and kundalini.
It was as if I had a ball of light at my third chakra and a circle was going around me. The circle was so far from me, far away in the Universe… As if it was travelling through NO TIME and NO SPACE….

Here at that point I could say the chattering MIND Died, R.I.P…rest in peace….

If I can do that now every day…surrender to the Universe…
That is what death is. That is what life is.

ALLOW to be ‘IAM’.

Then I will really R.I.P, rest in peace…

I don’t have to wait for my physical death…
NOW… IAM

Love, tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com