Curtains go open “Menage a trois”, Last ACT (see other blogs for 1 , 2 and 3)
R. sits in the middle on the floor, hands around her legs, her body down…reflecting within herself…
R.’s thoughts are racing in her head…what did you do? What did you start again?
Can’t you leave it alone? Just stop it. Leave it all alone. Don’t write anymore. Just love it all, you should love it all. Yes you should. You have hurt Cl. that is not ok.
But she is insensitive, yes she is. How can she be so insensitive?
I thought she loved me. She doesn’t love me.
How can she not love me, I thought I gave all I had. I gave my whole heart, everything and it wasn’t enough.
Why wasn’t I enough?
Why is MC here? Why did she contact me?
What is the reason of that?
I was so happy…last week...
I was whistling “La vie en rose” from Edith Piaff on the beach the day before MC. came into my life on Friday.
I never felt so happy….
Aaaah, and now I lost it all…I was back in this dramatic DRAMA.
What happened?
In that moment a silhouette steps up at my left and one at my right side.
I thought where are CL. and Mc.?
I don’t recognize these beings….
The one at the left introduces her as; “I am the projection you made in the form of CL., I am a part of you. I am the INSENSITIVE projection.”
The one at the right steps forward now and says; “I am the projection you saw in Mc. and that stands for “making the outside world cause of your reality’.
I closed my eyes and saw…
yes if I can find these issues within myself and embrace them, I become whole again.
The actors on the stage were ME, myself and I. Menage a trois, final plot!
Now real life (Jwhat’s real?):
On Tuesday morning I got even more aware that I had a healing to do. I saw that I still was in trouble with the emotions of the drama of the day before.
I came in the bay and the right side of the parking lot was full, and on the left somebody had parked in the ‘wrong’ direction and took up space for 4 cars. The van was open and I could see somebody sitting in the back. I decided to park before her between the ocean and her, but kind of 4 meters away from her, so she still had enough space …
I came out of my car and the first things she says is;
“Why are you parking there?” in a very demanding tone, as if I had done a terrible sin…
“Euh…”, I answered.
“Can’t you park somewhere else, there is parking everywhere!” she says.
This Hawaiian woman was now really angry with me and I must say I kind of hit my anger buttons too.
Immediately I could see though that I attracted this situation because of the energy I had put in the Universe the last 24 hours. If you are angry and sad and put thoughts in the field like;”She is INSENSITIVE!” I saw that I was attracting a situation like this where they treat me insensitive… and where they THINK I am insensitive…
“Oh boy”, I said.
She answered;”I LIVE HERE!”
“Hei me too”, I said.
I explained her friendly that I was there every day and that we park cars in another direction so everybody has space.
Hmm, that would not change her mind, I could tell. I didn’t want to go in resistance and said;
“No worries”, and I went to my car and looked for another parking spot.
So that was it.
And being my habitual me, I walked back and opened my arms and said to her; “I am sorry”…
wanting to give her a hug.
“I DON”T WANT A HUG FROM YOU, DON’T TOUCH ME!” she kind of barked at me.
……………………………………………………………………………….. L L L L
I backed off and walked to my friend M. that came to me with open arms.
Can I do that in a half hour I asked my friend?
You don’t want this kind of ‘energy hug’ right now because I am shocked and I feel angry.
I sat with my dear friend M. and calmed down and then I gave her a hug when she left.
Now I was alone I wanted to just reflect within myself.
I was wondering where was I insensitive? Because If I blame somebody else of being insensitive, you can bet I am somewhere insensitive…it is my projection. Where was I insensitive with myself?
From one thing came the other. My thoughts drifted off to the Hawaiian woman and her insensitivity towards me. And then I had an admiration for her. Waaw she had the guts to say NO to me. I wish I had that. She has the guts to not love me. I wish I had that!!!
Oh my God. I saw how I tried already my whole life to love everybody; even the ones that abused me. That’s why I stayed so long in the abuse every time again! Oh my God, I could see that I gave my whole life away to just to try to love everybody unconditional.
I looked to the car and to the Hawaiian woman and I smiled. Thank you very much!
I DON’T HAVE TO LOVE EVERYBODY ANYMORE!!!!
I am free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And here I understood it from the point of the ‘IAM’ state. I wrote a few times already that when I am there I am in total bliss and faith. I have a smile on my face from one ear to the other. There I don’t THINK to love unconditionally! I just am love, right there. I don’t have to TRY anything, it just is. I am unconditional love.
I don’t have TO DO anything to love unconditionally, because I am it all….
But if I have to THINK about how to love unconditionally, I am NOT in the “IAM’ state I am in the IDENTIFICATION state of MIND/BODY. And that is the place of personal love.
A personality can’t love unconditionally; it is ruled by the mind.
But to come back to the Hawaiian woman. I was admiring her and truly thanking her for this magical gift she gave me.
This one BELIEF “I SHOULD love everybody” has caused me a lot of pain in my life.
It kept me in extremely painful situations, I thought I had to do everything for free, I thought I had to put myself aside,…go on and on….I could clearly see that was not LOVE!
WOOOOOw what an insights! This is true FORGIVENESS work!
t wasn’t about Cl.’s insensitivity anymore, but about mine….
Where did I treated myself INSENSITIVE?
Woooow…
I couldn’t finish my inner work, because my friend B. showed up. I love to swim with her; today we decided to go to the aquarium. It is a pretty far swim, not something I would do on my own.
I walked with her to my car and whispered the story about the Hawaiian lady.
She was still sitting in the back of her van, door open, reading a book; but now with a marvelous view on the bay! JAnd I really didn’t have any bad feelings anymore towards her, only gratitude I felt.
I even loved her for giving me such a gift….haha Jand she didn’t know… I don’t have to love everybody!
I whispered to B. and we passed her carefully. You never know …I didn’t look up, just gave her her space and when I came to my car I felt somebody behind me.
turned myself and there she was standing. She was tall and kind of thick. A beautiful woman, she had henna tattoos all over her body and had a beautiful face, dark hair. She was a really beautiful Hawaiian woman.
looked at her and she said;
“ I see you are a really good person and I wanted to apologize for my behavior this morning.”
I was speechless, just standing there. I didn’t expect this…waaaw..
“Can I give you a hug?” she asked.
“ye…s”, I said kind of overwhelmed.
“Thank you”, I said.
She wanted to explain herself, but I just stopped her sentence with “THANK YOU again!” And I gave her another hug and said:”I needed this one today, thanks.”
And then she left….saying; “I am sorry you had to start your day like that.
Leaving me with a gift so beautiful intense…
I was a good person…
and I didn’t have to love everybody…
and when that freedom happens, YOU LOVE EVERYBODY!!!!!!!
Because you come into a place where there is no personal love any more, but Universal LOVE!
woow
After I left the bay, the healing continued and something really profound happened.
I came to the point where I saw the cause of the THOUGHT ‘I am INSENSITIVE’ and I saw that I have punished and blamed myself for years, because I believed that thought.
When I was 18 I left my parents house and left my mom a note, instead of telling it straight in her face. I had a difficult youth and I was scared of my mom’s emotional breakdowns.
She couldn’t accept me being a tomboy and being gay.
I could see the truth now, that I was innocent and that I didn’t have another choice. I could see I haven’t been insensitive at all towards my mom. It was just a THOUGHT that I had that came a BELIEF and ruined my whole life until now. In fact, the fact I wrote it in a note was because I was so sensitive towards her.
This awareness liberated me so much. I had created Cl. in my life to help me heal that part in me.
It was a lie I was INSENSITIVE, I am very sensitive as a matter a fact.
I love you mom, always had and have ...very intensely and sensitively!
This morning, Wednesday, I could see that I had moved through a lot of pain. And I knew that I still had to look to Mc’s projection of me. That was easy, we were doing the same thing…sitting on our knees jerked around by CL. who was in control. (we think) because we thought we need her to be happy and complete. We gave the control of our lives to CL.
saw that we were standing at the side of our own lives and that we had made Cl. the center of our lives. Meantime Cl. was feeding from that energy to fill her own emptiness.
It’s an never ending drama of two people filling each other with the other, because you feel empty (because you are not in your center J). It is called a co-dependent relationship or drama.
Ooh my God I felt more and more detached from the ménage a trois! There was no ménage a trois any more, really! There was one being again, happy and strong within her center. I felt even stronger than ever before… I felt I was in the ‘IAM’ state again and was so enjoying the Ocean water moving over my skin. Just enjoying, seeing the magic in front of my eyes…the magic of my own life.
I came out of the water and walked to my car and heard very loud the song “LA VIE EN ROSE’ by Edith Piaff….what a closure…Thank you Cl. and MC. for playing Menage a trois with me…
J
I step of the stage and I can go and drink some ‘Menage a trois’, my beloved wine with me, myself and I!!!!
Ooh still full, have to start soon....
Next play is a comedy again!!!!!!!!!!!!! J J
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