I was a very hard decision to post my blog yesterday. The whole night I have turned in my bed, and thought by myself if it was not too much to share my ‘naked’ life like that. And what are my motives?
It has to be pure and in love. I was looking if I didn’t hurt anybody. I was looking if there was some anger in the words. I tried to not express my anger…
And is that true? Can I not express my anger? Maybe that is taught to us from when we are little and that’s why our world is so a steaming pot that can explode any moment.
And was it anger or was it truth?
I felt it was good the way I expressed everything. I almost deleted it a few times, thinking of not to hurt MC, nor CL. But the voice of TRUTH was stronger than the voice of trying to hide and deny all of this hurt and abuse.
Reading my first blog over and over I wanted to make sure I was truthful and certain that I took all the RESPONSBILITY that was mine for 100%. And I saw I did.
As I was telling you yesterday, I knew that when I felt the poop flowing through my fingers, when I was swimming in the ocean (see blog Menage a trois) that this encounter with Mc could be shitty and painful.
I woke up this morning, tired and with a lot of thoughts in
my head.
And while I was driving to the bay and was wandering between the lava fields, I saw a clear picture of the theater place I had described yesterday.
In a second I saw the 3 of us, MC.,CL and me R. standing on the stage. I, my true self was in the IAM place of being, I was witnessing the play continuing….in front of my eyes.
I was on the left, CL. in the middle and MC. on the right.
Cl. Stared in a very emotional tone to me;”It is you I want! I am in love with you! But what do I do I love the other too?!”
I was on my knees and was happy to hear her telling me, she was in love with me.
My hands out to her WAITING for her to come… and hoping her words were true for a change.
But in that moment she turns to Mc and tells MC:
“ It is you I want, I am in love with you! But I have to try the other; I want to know who feels better!
I need to know this! And then I will make a choice when I am ready!”
While she was talking to MC. I was still sitting there on my knees waiting for CL to come…and I saw the idiot smile on my face that expressed; “BUT WHERE DID SHE GO????!”
MC. was sitting on her knees too,doing the same jester, holding her hands for CL. to come to her.
In that moment of hope, CL. turns her back to MC. and repeats the same scenario with me, while MC. is tortured and thinks;”But where is she?”
And this play continued and continued…over and over…
and CL. was spinning in circles.
Me getting, up, bowing down, getting up, bowing down…hands out, hands in…
Mc, doing the same thing, getting up, getting down,…hands out , hands in…
It became like a mechanical play,…it was a mechanism that didn’t stop.
And while I was driving to the bay and was wandering between the lava fields, I saw a clear picture of the theater place I had described yesterday.
In a second I saw the 3 of us, MC.,CL and me R. standing on the stage. I, my true self was in the IAM place of being, I was witnessing the play continuing….in front of my eyes.
I was on the left, CL. in the middle and MC. on the right.
Cl. Stared in a very emotional tone to me;”It is you I want! I am in love with you! But what do I do I love the other too?!”
I was on my knees and was happy to hear her telling me, she was in love with me.
My hands out to her WAITING for her to come… and hoping her words were true for a change.
But in that moment she turns to Mc and tells MC:
“ It is you I want, I am in love with you! But I have to try the other; I want to know who feels better!
I need to know this! And then I will make a choice when I am ready!”
While she was talking to MC. I was still sitting there on my knees waiting for CL to come…and I saw the idiot smile on my face that expressed; “BUT WHERE DID SHE GO????!”
MC. was sitting on her knees too,doing the same jester, holding her hands for CL. to come to her.
In that moment of hope, CL. turns her back to MC. and repeats the same scenario with me, while MC. is tortured and thinks;”But where is she?”
And this play continued and continued…over and over…
and CL. was spinning in circles.
Me getting, up, bowing down, getting up, bowing down…hands out, hands in…
Mc, doing the same thing, getting up, getting down,…hands out , hands in…
It became like a mechanical play,…it was a mechanism that didn’t stop.
It just continued and continued…because I could see as
watcher that none of the players wanted to step out of their role. I could see
that they still got some attention and energy from the whole dynamic. That's why they were staying!
I could see that the energy of UNWORTHINESS lied on the base of this infinite mechanism.
The Unworthiness was felt because the awareness was not with the IAM, but was identified with the role they were playing. THE VICTIM.
Meanwhile I was driving and just saw the truth playing in front of my eyes. Seeing it as a movie, me not IDENTIFIED with it, made me a witness.
I could see that the energy of UNWORTHINESS lied on the base of this infinite mechanism.
The Unworthiness was felt because the awareness was not with the IAM, but was identified with the role they were playing. THE VICTIM.
Meanwhile I was driving and just saw the truth playing in front of my eyes. Seeing it as a movie, me not IDENTIFIED with it, made me a witness.
It was the characters on the stage that were experiencing
the pain, NOT ME!!!!!
This is so important!!! I was the witness and was not identified with my character I was playing.
I experienced I didn’t feel any pain. Waaaw, if I could hold this energy always like this, then I see through the illusion of life.
The truth is that I AM and there in that place there is only love!
The theater play we play out there, is the game of the body/mind and once we observe that from a distance, we have the power to choose what we want to play.
We see the bigger picture!!!!
I BURST INTO laughter...really, when I saw the truth of life!
Can it be so easy?
I went through this whole theater play a month ago and when I was in it, it was torture and now I was out of it and looking at it, I didn’t feel ANY pain. How cool was that!
In that awareness my character stood up and jumped of the stage… because the 'I AM' being that I am commanded the part of my SELF, to stop it.
I saw that it was a part of me that felt unworthy and j just took that part in my arms and hugged it…
This is so important!!! I was the witness and was not identified with my character I was playing.
I experienced I didn’t feel any pain. Waaaw, if I could hold this energy always like this, then I see through the illusion of life.
The truth is that I AM and there in that place there is only love!
The theater play we play out there, is the game of the body/mind and once we observe that from a distance, we have the power to choose what we want to play.
We see the bigger picture!!!!
I BURST INTO laughter...really, when I saw the truth of life!
Can it be so easy?
I went through this whole theater play a month ago and when I was in it, it was torture and now I was out of it and looking at it, I didn’t feel ANY pain. How cool was that!
In that awareness my character stood up and jumped of the stage… because the 'I AM' being that I am commanded the part of my SELF, to stop it.
I saw that it was a part of me that felt unworthy and j just took that part in my arms and hugged it…
Followed with big laughter…
I had a marvelous morning with my friends after that, I got
so many good hugs and love. It was amazing.
I felt so good and then suddenly I got a text from Dc. Asking if I wanted to meet her today.
I said yes.
I felt so good and then suddenly I got a text from Dc. Asking if I wanted to meet her today.
I said yes.
We had some work to do and I texted her we would do ceremony
and releasing.
Was the play continuing anyway? Or was I the watcher?
More tomorrow in “Menage a trois” Act3
More tomorrow in “Menage a trois” Act3
All love rainbow,
www.rainbowsheart.com
www.rainbowsheart.com
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