Ohm Madhe padme ohm...

What can I say…so many things to write about, but at the same moment for the first time in my life I am without many words…. I feel I am who I really am and it feels there is not much to say about it…
Maybe…
And you know… I say this wrong … For the first time in my life I don’t cover up ‘WHO I REALLY AM’ with all the shit I believe about myself.

 

It is very interesting to see where I am moving through nowadays, with the help of Mama-P(my teacher mama, see other blogs) , while I am confronted with a clear view of where I am coming from.

I see so clear who I was or who I thought I was. I really thought I was a poor, small, powerless being that could not HAVE…can you believe that? I had a belief in place that I could not HAVE….but that means a lot…

I thought that I believed that I could not have what I want.

But when I looked deeper I saw I could NOT HAVE…

And that is everything…

Have felt like a dirty word to me, yeckie…you can’t have…when I look back I even deprived myself from basic needs as food, because I THOUGHT I could not have….

LIFE…

It was mama-P, that broke open my biggest secret two days ago when she told me; “You have me.”

I couldn’t believe what she just said.
I could have her?
I was in shock.

It changed so much my world.
I could have Mama P.?

Me?
Really?
Waaaw?

It changed my whole life…that one sentence…
(she is really good in giving me such things in the right moment J)

Yesterday I went in the Ocean with a new awareness: I could HAVE !
I felt sooooo different!
The whole time I was in the present moment HAVING me…
Probably, for the first time…J

I was in heaven…swimming…with me…and Mama -P in the back of my pocket…J

I saw turtles and how they react when I sing for them….it is a mystery to me, why they are doing what they are doing. They might think the same about me…J

This morning too, I sang for one and she came up, about 4 meters up, straight up to be with me…
I find this weird. (see previous blogs and my experiences with the turtles)
I asked Mama-P today if something like that exists, that turtles talk to each other and tell one another that there is a crazy lady in the water singing, and that that is ‘the one’ that gives us a lot of love and cleans our shells if we ask it.
I am wondering if something like that exists?
I know of the rule of the 101 monkeys and if they reach a certain amount, all the monkeys starts behaving like that…I wonder…It is strange though and very amazing to see.

Sometimes I think I am a little cuku…Jif you know what I mean…but it doesn’t hurt, it is fine…J

Me be able to have everything…I was enjoying every minute of my swim….really deeply pouring myself into it…with my whole soul.
The water yesterday was so gorgeous turquoise and I played in the waves. I still am enjoying it.
I had found schools of little tiny blue fish. I counted about 5000 or maybe even more, I lost the count…J
I saw that when the wave burst open on the rocks they would dive underneath it…so that was my clue to do the same. It was amazing, I would see the wall of water coming towards me and just in the right moment I would dive underneath it in the school of the tiny little fish.
In the beginning they would shoot away from me, but after a while I noticed they saw me as part of the environment and harmless J playing with me in the water. Or that is my story at least…J

I was PURE PRECENSE right there. There was no past, no future…just me BEING in the present moment=
PRECENSE.

Since I am working with Mama-P I am a total different being.
Nowadays I am some uncomfortable, because I am not used being like this.

I don’t have a future anymore. I really don’t know what I will do the next hour or even minute.
I am so in the moment. It is wonderful though, but I am just not used to it.
I see through the stories I had about myself, so the past is gone too…
and there I am.

Without a story, pure being experiencing the NOW as I and what appears in my world.

I have not really another purpose anymore then to just BE…a lot of doing falls away.
Especially that doing that had to do with MAKING it work, controlling and pushing.

I arrived in the energy of ALLOWING.
In that energy of allowing what is truly mine can show up now…
Before I was living a life of manifestation and trying to make things show up that I THOUGHT was mine…

Not any more…

What can I say… I don’t know anything anymore…

Just maybe telling you about my experience this morning in the Ocean…Also about the book I am reading about dolphins. They are my buddies. My beloved ones.
I was reading that they have healing powers and I believe that because I experienced it myself.
That was the reason I ended up here in the first place, really. My doctor had subscribed me dolphins and the Pacific Ocean. Yeah!
I read this morning that water is healing and it has a lot to do with the fact that we have to do effort to be used to the gravity on land. When we come in the water we are kind of buoyant and that takes that pressure away we have on our bodies, energy fields etc… it makes sense! No pressure anymore!

That’s why I feel so good!

I am kind of a dolphin. I am daily about 1 hour a half in the water.
It was amazing to go in the water this morning, just after reading that. I floated and experimented for about 2 hours to see if it was true AND it is true water is sooo relaxing.
I love the water on my skin, feeling it going through my fingers…it gives me a safe feeling…as being in the Universe, being held by God. Being free and I AM!

There is a whole secret world out there in the water that we don’t know of. Each moment something special can show up…this morning I saw a fish I never saw before. It was as small as the sergeant, but had kind of antennas on its top and bottom. Like it was held by wire and it was radiating and swimming between those 12 inch long treads. It was weird seeing. It tried to get away from me, and its little body was vibrating but the long treads were holding still… Amazing…so amazing the Ocean…

Thank you God, I am here!
Now
being…
writing…
connecting…
loving…

It is falling into God’s arms in Unity and love…
sweet love…
Thank you mama-P, for being those arms…now in my life…
Ohm Madhe padme Ohm…

Tamara rainbeau
www.rainbowsheart.com