My painting, Mama Ganesh

painting in progress...Mama Ganesh


 

Continuing Mama Ganesh painting…there is a lot of symbolic meaning in the painting and what always happens is that I grow more and more in the painting. The colors are changing, and I get redirected and come to a deeper awareness of the journey within the painting.

I love to paint; I think I did it I since I was born.
Since I met Mama P., I have a feeling I am on a fast train to more and more awareness.
What a amazing manifestation I created to create her into my life. I am so in gratitude for the gift she is.
(and always honored I can call her mama J, then I am happy as a kid)

The last days I really went deep and I see now that life or God set us up sometimes with circumstances that brings us slightly or big time out of balance.
I was out of balance big time. And really I would have been probably more if I became homeless then what happened now. But ‘hei’ I can only say: I felt out of balance.

Remember I told I gave my notice a month ago, because I felt to do so; but also because I kind of was forced by life; because my funds were gone. The whole month I felt so free, I felt so good and most people would just feel horrible. I didn’t know where I was going even a few days before the end of the month. I didn’t know if I would stay on Maui or leave for somewhere else. I was open for whatever. Kind of let go and let God. I felt FREE!!!

I was happy to have a total new life, somewhere…I was so open! I relaxed into it and I was happy to not carry the burden of having to pay rent and have to sell my art to come up with that rent…over and over again each month. I was tired struggling and this last month I didn’t have any struggle. None! Only happy happy happy…J I was happy.

I felt relieved. The concept I could end up on the street even didn’t bother me. I felt so happy not to have that pressure anymore. I could even tune in to the power of FAITH and see how I lived in the past in Hawaii. I lived in a tent, in my shop, slept on the ground lots of times, in my car,…I would be ok. I always am. I just didn’t want to go back to that deep suffering to figure out how to sell my art over and over again… (now Mama-P. is teaching me to leave that to God…:0 but that’s another story)

 So what happened the last days ...why did I freak out?
And then had a deep awareness through that experience...

It was stupid though…but this is what happened.

After 9 months of waiting my ex returned me the money she owned me just a few days before the end of the month. Suddenly I had money again.
No coincidence huh…trust…Life is trusting God…that is all what is to it. Having faith in IAM/God.
The day we die we will have to do it…so why wait, right?

The other opportunities I was waiting for got postponed…and so here I was…
I went in the flow… and two days later I see myself emailing my previous landlord asking if she rented my apartment already.
“No”;she said.

Guess what I am renting my own apartment again.

Now…what you think would make me happy (and it did short) made me crazy.
First I was happy, but not really… It drove me nuts.
I thought I was a total looser ending up in the same situation.
That was what I was thinking.
I even felt really sad.
I thought I failed.
you see the verb THINKING, THINKING... THINKING...

I had experienced the last month how it felt to NOT be afraid to not have enough money, to not HAVE to sell my art…I was so relaxed…and this I kind of felt for the first time ever…now I think about it…

I didn’t want to go back to that old self. No NONONONO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I didn’t want to be that little afraid person anymore….I came really sad.

This energy shot something off in me…

It was as if I shot through layers and layers of thick bondage around my Soul.
One after the other just exploded.

The bondage was the old stories, I believed about myself.

I saw that ALL THE STORIES were just ILLUSIONS.
I saw all the stories I had around my ART too.

The refusal being that old self…just exploded me into my new Self.

Every story I saw through, started falling away…
I came in a space so SPACIOUS I could NOT handle it.

I felt empty.

I went to Iao valley to be able to center myself again and that Hawaiian power spot really helped me with it.
I came in an altered state back from the mountain. I felt powerful.
I could see how I just needed to BE from now on.
I didn’t have to DO anything anymore.

I didn’t have to make anything happen.
I could let everything go and let God…

It would all happen by itself.
I had FAITH, deep faith.

Be and be the one I wanted to be and just relax.

When I came home I even felt more spacious,
but it scared me again...
I had to sink to the bottom of fear.
My mind took over and got crazy…it was in fear…didn’t know what to do with all that emptiness…J

I went so deep I didn’t think I would ever write a blog again, nor paint again.
I saw all the good intentions I had made up to write and paint were ILLUSIONS.

Now all the illusions were removed, there was no goal anymore. No excitement.

I still was in my mind. Painful.

I thought to change the world and to heal people through my art but I saw that was only a story that I made up.
I wanted to help people through my blogs with sharing my experiences, but I saw that was of no need either.
Nothing was really needed. All what happens at the level of body and mind are stories. It is a game, a movie. I could see all of that.
What was real was me behind this body…
I AM.

I started looking from far behind my body.
As I am deep inside me, deeper than ever before looking further than ever before.
Everything looked so much more spacious.

I was space.

What was going on, I didn’t have anything to do anymore....no purpose really...

Do, do , do

I was without doing…
I was unemployed suddenly…
no life purpose...

No doing-ness anymore…
I was without excitement…it was all gone…
I was in my mind THINKING I lost it all.
I even thought; “No fun to be in so much space if there is nothing really of any importance to do…”

Then after talking to Mama-p. I could see all the shit I was thinking.
I had made up stories of the stories…I got a whole layer of shit stories on top of other shit stories…

Suddenly...
when I saw that every thought was a story and not real I also saw that I could choose how my ‘IAM’ would play its own story…

I could see that true EXCITEMENT comes from being spacious, free and alive!
I could feel that in that space I was connected to all what IS.

I am God…How exciting!

I got so excited I started to paint…just to paint…just because I wanted too, because it is fun and it is me…The hell with needing a purpose to paint nor to write...or to live!

I am alive and I live!
I paint when i paint and write when i write!
I AM...OH I AM!

JJJJJ

I started painting and no coincidence I continued the painting of Mama Ganesh and it was this painting that took me to this new me.

The main thought that caused all my suffering was that I THOUGHT “NOTHING was changed” and that I was going to struggle financially again and that I had to force to sell my art again.
It just crushed me so hard. Something snapped in me.
I refused to be that one anymore. I had enough!
The refusal brought me first in frustration towards God…and to myself…
Anyway, the refusal of being that one was also my liberation...it broke open all the belief systems and identities I was keeping myself imprisoned in.
I wanted to be the one from last month, living in her apartment AND enjoying it; without any stress of not having enough. Without any stress for money.

I knew I could be that one, I just needed to choose…
And that was what the painting of Mama Ganesh helped me with.
It started as a symbol and exercise that Mama P- did with me.
Me using the symbol of Ganesh would enhance the abundance in me.
Once I started using that symbol a lot changed for me. I was enjoying the Westin (see other blogs)in Kaanapali and was enjoying ABUNDANCE very much!!!
And then last week I received my money back I loaned. I also started selling my art….really, the abundance started rolling in…and then

This painting helped  me to make a deeper shift…
Me, refusing to be the ‘scared wimpy’ personality made the painting growing to the painting it is now.

In the first draft of the painting you can see that Ganesh has elephant feet.
That was what I thought she needed to have. Also there was a huge battle going on in me during that first draft. I almost destroyed the painting and especially the symbol of Ganesh.
I only wanted the elephants who were strong and firm. Steady and secure.
I was rejecting Ganesh who was playful and free.

Then today something shifted…I became aware of the importance of PLAY…
I saw it is the most important tool of manifestation.
The elephant feet Ganesh was dancing with were symbol of HAVING TO WORK HARD…
I painted instead Ganesh feet happy and free. The elephant feet are gone…(see painting at top)

No more HARD work!!!!!

At the same moment the 4 spirals in the painting are standing for the 4 feet of the elephant.
It stands for a deep foundation, but not a sterile foundation but one that is build on eternity and the abundant joyful ‘IAM’ energy.(spirals)
It is the true deep foundation of life; IAM.

The painting changed so drastically in energy…the energy of ‘duty’ moved towards the energy of playfulness.

I feel freer today…and I am open to become more and more free…
Thank you mama P, aka Mama ganesh! I lolololove you.

 

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com