Paint the truth (3)

Paint the truth (3)

As I said in my blog “An eternal moment in Iao Valley” in all ‘bad’ situations there is a gift.
And when you see that gift, you are not watching anymore from a point of view from the victim.
But You look from above in awareness.

In the cult they broke me in many ways, but they also gave me the gift of illustrating and publishing books.

So here I am going from one library to the other with my van, my two dogs and a lot of required courage. It is a big deal to go every time again and again over that threshold to present your own book.
A no sounds always harder than it would sound if the book is written and illustrated by a stranger.

But so now after a few months of doing that a library had asked me to be their honored illustrator and writer and give a workshop in their library.

It was a Monday morning and I was scared as hell. Nervous. I am very shy and I don’t really like to stand in front of a group.
Why did I say yes? Yes why? Am I out of my freaking mind?
I was probably when I said…YES!

The library had called me 3 times and 2 times I had said no and I heard myself saying yes a third time.
You know, we think that we have control over our lives. But that is a big illusion. God/ The Universe has certainly a say in many things and sometimes we get pushed in something we would not do, but do it anyway…why, we don’t have a clue. It is afterwards that we think…haa we got set up by God.
No doubt about that.

Anyway I was making myself ready in the big new fancy room of the library. This was a new building and waaw it was beautiful and modern.
 Suddenly the youth librarian walked in and greeted me.
“By the way”; she said;” Did Viviane mention that a film crew is taping this?”
“A film crew?” I replied hesitant.
Viviane was the head librarian.
“Euh, no”; I said, “She forgot that little detail.”
Oh my God, what the hell am I going to do? A film crew???
I got really nervous now…sweating…more and more… L
4 Guys started walking in the room, installing microphones, screens and all that stuff they need to do what they needed to do… I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had hoped that only the children (they don’t know what I am doing) and one teacher was going to be there. Now I ended up with a film crew.

I wasn’t happy, I can tell you that.
But what was really true… I was afraid…not like I feel when a shark is in front of me…but the fear for eyes watching me… to fear to fail…to not know what to say and many eyes waiting to what I am going to say next…
Many eyes…many judgments…

The class arrived, about 25 children and two teachers.
The two librarians decided to watch too because it was my first time there J
and then I had the 4 crew members of the movie-thing walking around with microphones and a camera.

Oh well, I guess I had to be thrown for the lions…here I was… thank you GOD!

I started to introduce myself as an artist and showed them a few paintings and that broke the ice a bit.

Then I showed them my book and told the story. I didn’t read it, but played it...
I was a little nervous until the microphone found its way on my head and all the children start laughing…J haha that really broke the ice…J now it was melting and I relaxed more and more.

Haa, I loved that microphone, the tension was broken...then I just starting flowing and it buzzed and it was great. The children loved it!

We meditated and painted in the second half and it was just amazing. I was flying and got more and more confidence. And suddenly it was over and my lip sank deep…now already? I was enjoying myself; the children were hanging on my lips. It was easy and I loved it!

At the very end one of the teachers came up to me and said;” This is so cool what you did. We never saw a workshop like this. It is very different. “This child”; she said, and she pointed her to me; “didn’t talk to me for about 6 months and today she talked to you. What did you do?”

I didn’t have a clue…J how would I know…It’s Gods fault… (I was thinking)

The next days I would give more workshops in the same library for different schools and it was all so amazing!
This library told other libraries and hup… I started being booked… mouth to mouth advertisement.
Easy…

 

 

And then two of my friends heard about this new adventure of mine and asked if I would want to give an ADULT workshop in their house. They would invite 8 other people…
First I was pushing it away with both hands...but you know the Universe right.
I guess that request came through my friends’ mouth, but was a request from God him/her self.
I know, it is strong, you ever had that?

That you are pulled into something that would never be your choice?
You go somewhere that would never come up in your mind, but you end up there?
I know life is sometimes bizarre…sometimes I really think we are being lived…
Once I am in that space, I can relax more because I know everything will be alright.
Something like: if I want to make my life happen, I make a mess of it.
But if I SURRENDER, God takes care of me.
Really?
Look around you how everything works without us having to do anything.

We breath, we see, we talk, we touch, we feel…we are…we are spirit in a body.

We are God in a body.

It is sometimes really hard to surrender and let go and let GOD…
But go to the spot when it is time to die. Isn’t that going to be a true surrender?
Often I feel that is what we need to do right here and now when we are alive.
So many people, including myself are afraid of not having money enough.
Our whole society is built on a safety that is false.
The true security lies in the SURRENDER to god within.
It requires a lot of courage… but we shall have to do it anyway…when it is time to die we will have to surrender everything we gathered to keep us safe. All our physical stuff, all our mind stuff…
I am practicing true surrender lately. And I must say I am not at the end of the tunnel yet. It feels dark and scary and very UNSAFE.
But I did it already a few times in my life and I am sure many of you…you take that jump into the unknown and you don’t KNOW NOTHING.
Nothing at all. You don’t know sometimes why you do or are pushed to do something, but you know it is required from somewhere deep inside you.
And you know;” I don’t know NOTHING.”
I just surrender, because what else is there to do?
As if there is no escape anymore.
That is how it feels.

The other side of safety and going back to the old limited life, would be so painful..that the only thing left is to JUMP.

I hope God catches me… and leads me… and helps me and over and over I saw it happening in front of my eyes. Help is always there…still I am scared with times…

FAITH is the aNSWER.

Faith.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com