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| This was the only painting that survived the cult |
Even when you try to push something away with two hands, if
it belongs to you…you can push all you want, it will come back over and over…and
that feeling I have with my art.
I shared with you yesterday that I had many angels in my life that helped me supporting me in believing in my talents and I had others that tried to break me. It is interesting to watch that now in this particular time of my life, where I see everything on a distance… I see it from a witness or watcher point of view. No emotions attached, just looking as I see a movie and observing and inquiring where that roots in me. Because I am the only one!
I am the one that supports me sometimes and I am the one that wants to break me.
I shared with you yesterday that I had many angels in my life that helped me supporting me in believing in my talents and I had others that tried to break me. It is interesting to watch that now in this particular time of my life, where I see everything on a distance… I see it from a witness or watcher point of view. No emotions attached, just looking as I see a movie and observing and inquiring where that roots in me. Because I am the only one!
I am the one that supports me sometimes and I am the one that wants to break me.
There is no other.
It appears in the outside world, how I treat myself. So what
belief system supports me and which one breaks me? That is what I want to find
out!
My life of Art:
The first one that ever inspired me was my dad. He took me to art school and though I didn’t keep going for reasons I forgot; it was enough to spark me.
But he especially inspired me when he was painting. I remember when we went to Switzerland that he would paint where ever we hiked. He had his case with watercolors with him and he would just paint outdoors. I was intrigued and excited.
That is what I do now; I always have my paints with me wherever I go.
Our house was not only packed with art pieces, all kinds...but our house buzzed of my dad’s art friends.
We would regularly go to art openings and as a 7 year old it was kind of boring, but I could see it through the fingers because I loved the snacks they were serving. So I was kind of looking forward to go, just because of that. And I loved the atmosphere of people coming together to celebrate art.
From 12 to 18 years old I didn’t really paint. I focused on playing soccer and was kind of a rebel. I left my parents house when I was 18, because I didn’t feel good anymore at home.
There was a lot of disconnection and suffering, so I left. I couldn’t be myself.
The first one that ever inspired me was my dad. He took me to art school and though I didn’t keep going for reasons I forgot; it was enough to spark me.
But he especially inspired me when he was painting. I remember when we went to Switzerland that he would paint where ever we hiked. He had his case with watercolors with him and he would just paint outdoors. I was intrigued and excited.
That is what I do now; I always have my paints with me wherever I go.
Our house was not only packed with art pieces, all kinds...but our house buzzed of my dad’s art friends.
We would regularly go to art openings and as a 7 year old it was kind of boring, but I could see it through the fingers because I loved the snacks they were serving. So I was kind of looking forward to go, just because of that. And I loved the atmosphere of people coming together to celebrate art.
From 12 to 18 years old I didn’t really paint. I focused on playing soccer and was kind of a rebel. I left my parents house when I was 18, because I didn’t feel good anymore at home.
There was a lot of disconnection and suffering, so I left. I couldn’t be myself.
I went living with my girlfriend and it is her mom that
sparked the art button in me again. She taught me how to paint pets and so I started
painting again.
I also started reading books and got amazed with the impressionists. I loved how they used their colors and how they painted energy….away from realism. From that moment on life shaped my art in me.
During the years between 18 and 23 years old I painted a lot. My partner and I bought a house and I installed an art studio and I painted very intensely.
I also started reading books and got amazed with the impressionists. I loved how they used their colors and how they painted energy….away from realism. From that moment on life shaped my art in me.
During the years between 18 and 23 years old I painted a lot. My partner and I bought a house and I installed an art studio and I painted very intensely.
Unfortunately the relationship with my parents wasn’t good,
because I kind of ran away from home. They had difficulty accepting I had a
relationship with a woman and blamed me for my mom’s sadness.
I didn’t realize it, but little by little the anorexia monster
slipped into my life. I just couldn’t handle the blame that was put on my
shoulders.
I kept on painting and my paintings were mostly landscapes
or symbolic scenes as a shout to the world for acceptance of differences such
as color of skin, homosexuality, peace, love,…
Before I knew it I was totally haunted by the anorexia monster. It really started being very bad when my dad called me to announce my mom was sick and had cancer. I felt soooo guilty.
I crumbled more and more and I was 21 when my mom died.
My grandma and dad blamed me for her death the day she passed away.
I just got over it a year ago when my dad came to Hawaii to let me know it wasn’t my fault.
It was as a huge burden fell off my shoulders.
I remember I kept on painting very intensely. Although I was getting so ill from anorexia, my weight was 72 pounds, my art was my refuge. I was dying. My dad was not around, he had met another woman and I shopped from one doctor to the other and didn’t find the answers I was looking for.
I couldn’t digest the fact my mom died.
Although I was in the darkest period of my life, my art stayed sunny and colorful. That was very interesting. It showed me that I was not really that artist, but the God within me.
Several doctors passed the revue and I couldn’t find any alignment with them. A change happened when I got the book of Louise hay in my hands. That was it.
You can heal your life. This was it! My spiritual path started.
It was too late though, my hair was falling out, my skin was yellow, I was losing yellow fluids and was constantly falling down.
One day I asked my partner to push me up, because I felt I was turning in a spiral and I wanted to stay alive. I felt so much pain of hunger. I was scared I wasn’t going to return if she didn’t push me up.
In that moment I remembered somebody gave me a telephone number of a doctor/healer and I called her out of pure desperation. My partner had to drag me to the healer. I couldn’t walk the steps anymore; they had to help me with two, because I fell down over and over again.
It was the cult woman. She promised me that I never had to die. It was my biggest fear.
She kind of spoke the same language as Louise Hay and I bought her whole philosophy.
I believed her. We came back out of her house, and my partner and I walked over the street,
me pooping in my pants; because I couldn’t hold it anymore. I was so weak. But from that day on, I started to go to the cult lady believing she was a doctor. She was very convincing because she worked with a doctor that was in the cult himself. Little by little I got brainwashed.
Before I knew it I was totally haunted by the anorexia monster. It really started being very bad when my dad called me to announce my mom was sick and had cancer. I felt soooo guilty.
I crumbled more and more and I was 21 when my mom died.
My grandma and dad blamed me for her death the day she passed away.
I just got over it a year ago when my dad came to Hawaii to let me know it wasn’t my fault.
It was as a huge burden fell off my shoulders.
I remember I kept on painting very intensely. Although I was getting so ill from anorexia, my weight was 72 pounds, my art was my refuge. I was dying. My dad was not around, he had met another woman and I shopped from one doctor to the other and didn’t find the answers I was looking for.
I couldn’t digest the fact my mom died.
Although I was in the darkest period of my life, my art stayed sunny and colorful. That was very interesting. It showed me that I was not really that artist, but the God within me.
Several doctors passed the revue and I couldn’t find any alignment with them. A change happened when I got the book of Louise hay in my hands. That was it.
You can heal your life. This was it! My spiritual path started.
It was too late though, my hair was falling out, my skin was yellow, I was losing yellow fluids and was constantly falling down.
One day I asked my partner to push me up, because I felt I was turning in a spiral and I wanted to stay alive. I felt so much pain of hunger. I was scared I wasn’t going to return if she didn’t push me up.
In that moment I remembered somebody gave me a telephone number of a doctor/healer and I called her out of pure desperation. My partner had to drag me to the healer. I couldn’t walk the steps anymore; they had to help me with two, because I fell down over and over again.
It was the cult woman. She promised me that I never had to die. It was my biggest fear.
She kind of spoke the same language as Louise Hay and I bought her whole philosophy.
I believed her. We came back out of her house, and my partner and I walked over the street,
me pooping in my pants; because I couldn’t hold it anymore. I was so weak. But from that day on, I started to go to the cult lady believing she was a doctor. She was very convincing because she worked with a doctor that was in the cult himself. Little by little I got brainwashed.
But I was happy. I thought I was liberated of dying.
Hilarious to know, I was really dying; but wasn’t aware of it.
We went eating!
We went eating!
I ate for the first time in a long time, so the cult woman
saved my life.
What she did after that was horrifying and extremely abusive for 7 years, but she did save my life.
All my art was destroyed in the cult. And when I came out 7 years later, it took me another 2 year to de-brainwash and to DARE to paint. It is horrifying to come to the realization you believed something that is completely nuts…well now I see all of humanity have that, really! J haha
2 Years after the cult I wrote and illustrated my first children’s book, as a call for all the children of the world to NEVER EVER give your AUTHORITY away to an outside force!
After the cult I had anorexia again, but I never went to the 72 pounds anymore. We are 2003 now.
I stayed home and was extremely supported by my partner to paint and to illustrate my book.
She went working as a kinder garden teacher and I stayed home building my art business.
Without her support and dedication I would never have been able to pull this all off.
What she did after that was horrifying and extremely abusive for 7 years, but she did save my life.
All my art was destroyed in the cult. And when I came out 7 years later, it took me another 2 year to de-brainwash and to DARE to paint. It is horrifying to come to the realization you believed something that is completely nuts…well now I see all of humanity have that, really! J haha
2 Years after the cult I wrote and illustrated my first children’s book, as a call for all the children of the world to NEVER EVER give your AUTHORITY away to an outside force!
After the cult I had anorexia again, but I never went to the 72 pounds anymore. We are 2003 now.
I stayed home and was extremely supported by my partner to paint and to illustrate my book.
She went working as a kinder garden teacher and I stayed home building my art business.
Without her support and dedication I would never have been able to pull this all off.
All my art that is on my facebook or on my website dates
from after 2003. I don’t have anything from before that period.
I had a lot of healing work to do after the sexual and emotional abuse in the cult…and was held together by my partner and my dogs. My dogs were always with me. They were lying under my table or next to my table where I was painting.
So I count them in as an enormous support team as well!
And then my mom…although she died, I received her part of the inheritance from my grandparents and felt enormous supported by her from heaven. I invested everything I got from her in my art.
I didn’t see my dad during the 7 years I was in the Cult, so it took a long time to get back together after that episode and our relationship wasn’t so good until he came last year to Hawaii.
I had a lot of healing work to do after the sexual and emotional abuse in the cult…and was held together by my partner and my dogs. My dogs were always with me. They were lying under my table or next to my table where I was painting.
So I count them in as an enormous support team as well!
And then my mom…although she died, I received her part of the inheritance from my grandparents and felt enormous supported by her from heaven. I invested everything I got from her in my art.
I didn’t see my dad during the 7 years I was in the Cult, so it took a long time to get back together after that episode and our relationship wasn’t so good until he came last year to Hawaii.
My greatest thing was now that I felt to change the world
with my art. I started to be so driven.
I made greeting cards, my books, poems…all with the BELIEF I had to change the world.
I could not let anybody suffer as I did, that was my motivation. It was very strong.
I went to several art fairs and little by little I started to be known.
I worked as an artist for an animal organization GAIA that defends animal rights. And I also painted for the world shops and sold my art there and always gave profits to those organizations.
I made greeting cards, my books, poems…all with the BELIEF I had to change the world.
I could not let anybody suffer as I did, that was my motivation. It was very strong.
I went to several art fairs and little by little I started to be known.
I worked as an artist for an animal organization GAIA that defends animal rights. And I also painted for the world shops and sold my art there and always gave profits to those organizations.
Publishing my own book with my mom’s money was kind of naïf.
I didn’t have a clue about how vicious the book market was. If I sold my books
in bookstores I had 1 dollar of profit. That was insane. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t
survive. So I went to every single library in Belgium and sold one book at the time
to each library.
That was of course insane too… I went to the libraries with my dogs and we had fun, but it was far drives. It was not worth the gas, but it was the only thing I could do. So I did. And didn’t give up.
That was of course insane too… I went to the libraries with my dogs and we had fun, but it was far drives. It was not worth the gas, but it was the only thing I could do. So I did. And didn’t give up.
Fortunately one library asked me to do a workshop as
illustrator and writer.
I was hesitant at first, but it was as a stronger force was pushing me into it.
My partner helped me building a good workshop and so I went for my first workshop…
fearful and nervous…and shy as I am…J
I was hesitant at first, but it was as a stronger force was pushing me into it.
My partner helped me building a good workshop and so I went for my first workshop…
fearful and nervous…and shy as I am…J
TO BE CONTINUED
Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com
www.rainbowsheart.com
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