Moana, The sea horse at Ala Moana Beach Park

Moana, the sea horse

 

Harmony, harmony..that’s what I hear today…deep inside of me.
It is an amazing feeling to be in harmony and in tune with the Universe…well in fact it is the only way things work really.

Haha J
Not being in harmony is when you run to the future and try to do the job of The Universe…that is no harmony at all…

Harmony is when you do the piece of the deal and God the other piece…
As I must have said before, it is like the infinity sign…
I am God and God is me and that is the center of the infinity sign.
Then one side is my kuliana (responsibility in Hawaiian) and the other side God’s.
And it all together is harmony….

God has helped me many many times in times I thought I was completely lost.
Once I was so in despair, I was really getting depressed as a matter a fact. I was living in my store in Honolulu and when I wasn’t there hiding…because you can’t live in your store, really… but I didn’t have money enough to have a home so…
When the guard would come twice a night I had to be silent and hide on the ground. No lights…crazy if I think back. When I had to go to the bathroom I had to do it quickly because it was in the hall way and there were lights everywhere. I always tried to postpone it until the morning.

But it was my survival. I even felt home there after a while.
I would get up early in the morning before there were other people in the building and sneak out to the beach, where I would run and swim and shower and then I would go back and open my shop.

After a while I became homesick and I was kind of getting depressed.
It was during that time that the woman, whom was my business partner didn’t really do the part of the deal and I felt really betrayed and lonesome at the other side of the world.(whining)
 Money was running out… and I was living on Milky Way’s, coleslaw and eggs.
One day I was just sleeping in my car at Ala Moana Beach Park and just didn’t want to get up.
I felt deep despair.
Oahu wasn’t Big Island.
Maybe I was on the wrong island, or even more I was on the wrong side of the world…
So many questions were going through my head…
Especially this one;

“What am I doing here?”

I was turning in my car and forced myself to just sleep so I wouldn’t feel the despair, the fear or the pain.

It was around 11am and I had run already, but couldn’t move myself to swim. I felt alone.
My family in Belgium didn’t really know how I was. My dad was still upset with me for leaving and selling my house to my expartner.

The forced sleep I was in, the dark mood got deeper and deeper and I knew I had to do something or I would be a bird for the cat.(Belgium expression’ I think you get the feeling of the expression)
I dragged myself out of the car and forced my body to go in the water. I was at the right side of Ala Moana beach Park and it was a warm beautiful day.
Lots of locals and homeless people are there.
I was hearing pigeon (Hawaiian dialect) all around me and it felt safe. The people knew me now already. It felt home to me to be there, actually.
Homeless people don’t really move a lot. They kinda of come back every day to the same spot.
Just like everybody else does, really. We go back to our homes, where it is safe. For them their home was that one bench or tree. Some don’t speak at all and just sit.

Normally they don’t really communicate with outsiders…
I started to know them really well and they kind of helped me over my fear to shower on the beach and to shave my legs. After a while I kind of felt like them, but still was grateful my shop was my home.
After a few months they would say hi to me or wave or even say something.
One time a homeless woman came to me and asked if I was new.
“They would help me if I was new”; she said.

That was really kind and felt safe in a way.

 

So that day I dragged my body in the water and started swimming laps and asked God from a deep place of despair to help me.

I explained I couldn’t bare it anymore. I continued that I didn’t understand what I was doing in Hawaii, if nothing really worked.

In that time I wasn’t so aware yet, that I could IMPOSSIBLE know if it was working or not.
At the surface it seemed as my life wasn’t working, but underneath there was a certain HARMONY going on that would create miracles to get me where I am now, today. God was doing his/her job and I wasn’t aware of it. I kind of just had to show up and live the moment, which I wasn’t doing. My despair came from a place of NO FAITH and a place where MY MIND was going crazy about the future.
I wasn’t really present in my body really. I had anorexia again too…just running away from it all…Anorexia, how weird it sounds, was a form for me to feel safe. It was an idiot feeling of safety, but in ways it served me to get over the enormous stress I felt of the challenging situations in my life..
And those situations I created with not trusting…

BUT I DON”T REGRET ANY OF IT at ALL. I know now that everything was RIGHT!!!

So dragging my body in the water was a good thing.

I started swimming but most important I started communicating with God and it wasn’t the begging voice anymore that asked for this or that. It was a scream for help that came deep out of my heart.
It felt so loud as the whole Universe stood still for one little second and noticed;
“Somebody needs help over there!”
And then life just went on again…J God trying to listen to all the other creatures screaming for help…J

When I was done swimming there was some commotion at the side of the beach where I normally get out the water. Suddenly a 9 year old boy stepped towards me and handed me a seahorse.

The beautiful seahorse was alive and grabbed itself with its tail on my pinky.
Here I was standing with this beautiful being attached to my hand… I was in awe…J

A local man, that was the boy’s father said; “I never saw a seahorse in Hawaii. Never here. Ever.”
Other people came now also standing around me, looking to this magnificent creature.
Deep inside I knew that God had heard my scream and that this seahorse was send my way.

I had tears in my eyes.

There were many other people the boy could have handed the seahorse, but he gave it in my hands.
I decided to swim further in the ocean and to attach it at the rocks in the hope he would go deeper in the Ocean and finds his way back to his safe home…

The more I was swimming the tighter he was holding my finger. I felt so connected with him/her.

Since that day the seahorse is a very important symbol for me. My friends even donated me a necklace of a seahorse.
I went online to see what kind of symbolic meaning the seahorse had and the most chocking one for me was this;

You are where you are, whoever you are…You are always each moment in the RIGHT place.

That day my despair disappeared together with the seahorse and something really powerful came into my heart knowing...I am in Hawaii and it is right. It is all right.

I am right and my path is right.

Regrets is something we make up…it is DISHARMONY with God and it gives you deep despair…
I experienced…

Moana  (the seahorse name)showed me that harmony is there even when you THINK it is not.

I would have felt it in my heart if I stayed in my hEART in the nOW…
That is the place where you feel the harmony… the harmony is always there no matter what.
The Universe or God is harmony, but it is felt in only one moment and it is in the only moment that truly exists; NOW.
It is the only moment we truly exist.

And where Moana truly exist.

 

Mahalo Moana!

Love tamara rainbow

www.rainbowsheart.com