The crap between my ears

 

Here I am back. I had another episode of being sick, that’s why I didn’t write. I still am as a matter a fact, so I am going to keep it short.

Yesterday was my worst day…well after my worst day from last week…seems like I had a lot of worse days lately..but I am fine. I know that this sickness is FOR me and not against me. I am changing my life drastically and it feels like I am breaking out of my OWN MADE prison.
The voice that kept me in there for so many years, is becoming smaller and smaller. Sometimes he still burps up and then I just try to be the WITNESS and see it and just let it be.
It is my old identity that wants to fight for its life, but is feeling it is losing its existence.
And the funny thing is that that existence is not even true EXISTENCE…it is a ghost pretending it is something.

ok enough ‘teachering’…J for now…you know already I can’t leave it any way. It’s part of me…J

Yesterday it was thanksgiving and almost the whole day I walked like a zombie. It was as everything was moving through water, kind of foggy. I was not hearing very well. My one ear was hurting like hell and my head was as heavy as a canon ball. I almost fell a few times. It felt as if I didn’t have balance.

And I did things that didn’t make much sense.(Mama-P would tell me; “Not much difference with other days, then?” LOL)
It was the night before that my ear started hurting.
I didn’t have the power to go to any shop, and I didn’t want to lift any one’s else’s butt…so I looked up online what I could do to help my ear.

That was tea tree oil and onion. So that is what I did. I put the tee trea oil at the outside and juiced the onion and put it in my ear. J Oh boy! Smelly affair.

You know…sometimes you just have to RELAX in being sick.

To be truthful the whole week I was mumbling and arguing with being sick.
I was arguing with God. If you arguing with what IS, well …I experienced already:
YOU GET MORE OF THAT, WHAT YOU DON”T WANT!

It really doesn’t work…J

But i still fell in the trap!
I was frustrated and irritated and wanted to be well in one two three.
In two days, really.
Mama-p. said 22…huh,yeckies...Now I see that she comes closer to the truth then me with my 2.
I am at day 17 now…J that’s loooooong.
I didn’t want to lie down and sleep and do nothing…oh boy, what a concept: DOING NOTHING. J

In Belgium we have a saying; “Who doesn’t listen, has to feel it.”Great…
I knew immediately when I got the ear infection that that was my inner God telling me;
“LISTEN and RELAX!!!!!!!!!”

Shit, so well …I let it all go…yesterday…with THANKSGIVING and I just surrendered in being sick.
I could be so sick as I could be…as I wanted (oh well)…doing nothing…

And I was!

At some point I didn’t know if I would walk or fall down…After that feeling, I just lie myself down…and fell in a deep 3 hour sleep…
and didn’t want to wake up…
didn’t need to wake up, because nobody was doing anything on Thanksgiving anyway. J
So I didn’t really have to do anything either…J
Oh boy, that voice is so stubborn.

I woke up to go to the Thanksgiving ‘sweetness’ party and it was really sweet.
Only I can’t have sweets right now…J but that is ok, I can resist all of that.
It’s more the doing part that bothers me…

I felt as if I was on a Halloween party, not because of the others but because of me…J
I was not really hearing people…it was as if my brain was so slow…it took me so long to recognize some people… When I walked, it felt as if my head would fall off…
ye, it felt I was dressed in a zombie…walking under the Ocean…blub blub…hearing conversations in the distance…
Maybe it was my own way to disguise my shyness.
Luckily Mama-p. was there so I could hide a little… J and feel safe…
And there is a piece in me at the same moment that feels home with Family.
Sometimes i can't figure myself out!

But inside I was seeing that person, the identity in me who’s shy and  who feels not worthy;
because that is what shyness is about, right?
I tried to turn it around and work with it and could only see that if I am who I truly am “IAM” there is no possibility of being neither unworthy nor shy.

But I still felt shy.

Who is then that one that thinks that?

Sometimes God answers our questions instantly….

At a certain point I was blessed to have somebody offer me a reiki treatment.
And really, it was amazing. He kind of blow my head of that was so heavy before the treatment, but felt light afterwards.
But he specially blew my head off for the things he said while he was giving the treatment.

He said that I could let go what was between my ears.
And he doesn’t know that, but in Belgium that is a particular expression we use for people that make up stories. Even worse: It means whatever is there between your ears is complete nonsense.

Haha was that the answer on my feelings of being unworthy????

What a thriller… J

Also he said that today with Thanksgiving Day I could be thankful for being me.
And that just blow me away, because I had thanked everything and everyone today that is part of my life and magic, but I forgot myself.(haaaaaa, unworthy…J)
And then he said that I could feel safe inside here, between my ears…and that blow me away too; because I was feeling so insecure…(haaaaaaa, unworthy…J)

It was an amazing experience to be in the space between my ears and to SEE how much crap I make up, right there in that little space. And that that ‘crap’ makes or breaks my life.
While he was giving the treatment I was the watcher of that space and it felt good to see that it was totally empty right then.
I could also see that I had the choice to BELIEF what comes between my ears or not.
Shall I listen to it, or just let it pass as a cloud in my blue sky?

All of that I was thanking this morning when I was doing yoga on my favorite spot on the Island.
Thank you for the reiki V. and especially for every word you said that kind of split me open today…

Am I going to listen to the crap of my mind or go deep inside and start connecting my inner ears and eyes and live from there?

Every day is for me a Thanksgiving Day!
So Happy ThanksGiving!
But now with me in it: “I am thankful to be me” and I have my PERMISSION!

Love tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com