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| My HONU art |
Mmm…I had an assignment from Mama -P. yesterday for today…’sit
in silence’.
Ha, I tried it before as every good spiritual person is kind of expected to do…meditating…but I gave it up very early…only because it is so much expected, really. J
Ha, I tried it before as every good spiritual person is kind of expected to do…meditating…but I gave it up very early…only because it is so much expected, really. J
I am a rebel.
But today there was nothing that I felt was obligated or
pushed, it was even a true adventure for me to finally know where I was so
afraid of for all these years.
No coincidence I feel I got this assignment on this 1st
of November, which is in Belgium a very important day to remember all the
people you lost.
I was always afraid to go into that silence.
When my mom died when I was 20 I went into a fear of death that was indescribable. I saw her fear of dying and I just collapsed I think. Since then I have been running…J
Anyway, so much for the past.
Today I was going to explore what was really there. I was excited, but I also saw there was fear and I kind of postponed it a little.
I was always afraid to go into that silence.
When my mom died when I was 20 I went into a fear of death that was indescribable. I saw her fear of dying and I just collapsed I think. Since then I have been running…J
Anyway, so much for the past.
Today I was going to explore what was really there. I was excited, but I also saw there was fear and I kind of postponed it a little.
Well, kind of…I started in the afternoon but fell
asleep…that’s what most people do, right?
And ‘hei’ maybe when we sleep, we are in true reality. Who says that this is the real reality?
All those questions are so exciting! J
And ‘hei’ maybe when we sleep, we are in true reality. Who says that this is the real reality?
All those questions are so exciting! J
I went to the beach and was ‘planning’ to do it over there.
I can tell you that there is not much left of plans about structuring my life.
It is as if a lot of structure and rules left my life.
Since Mama-P. touched my compulsive behavior I changed day by night (=Belgian expression for= the opposite or a lot)
I am so loving to myself. I am not used to be that way…. J
I am not pushing anymore and really Grandfather turtle, I swam with yesterday, taught me a valuable lesson!(see yesterday’s blog)
Since Mama-P. touched my compulsive behavior I changed day by night (=Belgian expression for= the opposite or a lot)
I am so loving to myself. I am not used to be that way…. J
I am not pushing anymore and really Grandfather turtle, I swam with yesterday, taught me a valuable lesson!(see yesterday’s blog)
I walk, run and swim like him now! And that is without PUSHING.
He swam in a gently steady way and you can’t believe in how much more awareness I am, moving that way.
He swam in a gently steady way and you can’t believe in how much more awareness I am, moving that way.
It is as if I feel my SPIRIT in my body.
It is as if my body is my costume and I feel it. My legs are like socks am wearing and I feel my spirit.
Like my body is a harness and the real me is the one inside.
It is as if my body is my costume and I feel it. My legs are like socks am wearing and I feel my spirit.
Like my body is a harness and the real me is the one inside.
Isn’t that amazing!
Maybe each animal really feels that, because they don’t think.
Thanks to Grandfather Honu I am also much more aware of my beautiful body and there is so much love flowing towards it, if you MOVE like that. It feels like you MOVE with GRACE!
Maybe each animal really feels that, because they don’t think.
Thanks to Grandfather Honu I am also much more aware of my beautiful body and there is so much love flowing towards it, if you MOVE like that. It feels like you MOVE with GRACE!
I feel the grace within me!!!!!!
Anyway, that changed dramatically and really my whole life
is so upside down right now.
It feels as if I am not living my life, but that I am BEING LIVED.
What I mean by that is that I don’t have any real desire anymore to control anything.
It feels so unnatural to do that. So unnecessary. So unreal. We are all so used to it…
I didn’t tell you yet…but since 4 days I have this amazing new relationship. I am going to cry if I think about it. I know what you think…no not a relationship with a human but with a honu, turtle.
It feels as if I am not living my life, but that I am BEING LIVED.
What I mean by that is that I don’t have any real desire anymore to control anything.
It feels so unnatural to do that. So unnecessary. So unreal. We are all so used to it…
I didn’t tell you yet…but since 4 days I have this amazing new relationship. I am going to cry if I think about it. I know what you think…no not a relationship with a human but with a honu, turtle.
Her name is BUMPY.
I gave her that name because she was hit by a boat or a human;
anyway she has a puncture on her shell. And the first day I met her, she was as
a wild animal just sucking all the love I was giving her.
She was as a madwoman, turning in circles under my hands that were caressing her shell.
She would splash around and really I had a hard time to keep up with her.
She would use one fin and push herself in circles around and around…
I would see her butt flashing in front of my eyes and then again her head. She was so wild and so dirty.
I even think she had been sick because of the wound.
I gave her wound energy and what was really funny was that she pointed out with her fins where she wanted me to scratch her.
She was a wild animal. Oh my God!
I have a lot of experience now with a lot of turtles.
But this one was like a teenager that was neglected for a long time.
It felt she needed the energy so badly.
She was as a madwoman, turning in circles under my hands that were caressing her shell.
She would splash around and really I had a hard time to keep up with her.
She would use one fin and push herself in circles around and around…
I would see her butt flashing in front of my eyes and then again her head. She was so wild and so dirty.
I even think she had been sick because of the wound.
I gave her wound energy and what was really funny was that she pointed out with her fins where she wanted me to scratch her.
She was a wild animal. Oh my God!
I have a lot of experience now with a lot of turtles.
But this one was like a teenager that was neglected for a long time.
It felt she needed the energy so badly.
Was she a reflection of myself? J
It is as if turtles go in a trance when I pet their shell and for most that is ok because they are peaceful. Well, not all, but most are…but Bumpy was so wild.
A few times she would be surprised I saw, and trying to bite me.
Then she would turn herself under my hands again and she would forget. When I pushed her away because I was afraid of her biting me, she would look at me and ‘SJUP’ return under my hands.
It is as if turtles go in a trance when I pet their shell and for most that is ok because they are peaceful. Well, not all, but most are…but Bumpy was so wild.
A few times she would be surprised I saw, and trying to bite me.
Then she would turn herself under my hands again and she would forget. When I pushed her away because I was afraid of her biting me, she would look at me and ‘SJUP’ return under my hands.
I told her she had to start behaving (I told her that from
day 1 J)otherwise
I was going to be afraid of her.
The second day she did it only one time and I could see she start getting used to me.
The second day she did it only one time and I could see she start getting used to me.
Today…I have tears in my eyes and when I drove away I was so
moved, she completely trusts me!!!!!!
And I her.
Today when I swam, I saw her sleeping in a cozy spot between
some coral heads. I called her and said;”Hei honu Bumpy!”
Immediately she came out of her resting spot and came up to me.
I had a few turtles do that, but I could see that she recognized me immediately.
Immediately she came out of her resting spot and came up to me.
I had a few turtles do that, but I could see that she recognized me immediately.
She is a wild girl. Oh my! She calmed down since the first
day, but she still has her own typical character. Each turtle is so different
and has/her own unique ways of being.
She is just so intense and I see a lot of myself in it.
She is just so intense and I see a lot of myself in it.
Especially when I swim with dolphins. I can get so excited. It
is my heart.
And I see this with Honu Bumpy too. She has a huge heart.
What was so extraordinary today was that Honu Bumpy loves excitement…just as I do as a matter a fact.
I talked to Mama-P yesterday and said something about boring…well nothing boring with this medium sized turtle!
She loves to hang out in the surf and so we were surfing together while I was touching her. We would lose each other regularly because we got smashed by the waves and then I would call her and she would look at me and travel 10 meters to get back under my hands. Incredible, I never saw a turtle doing that. Then we swam together, and I would test her…a bit…J
I would say to her;”Come, here are my hands and she needed to come…haaa which she did!!!
And I see this with Honu Bumpy too. She has a huge heart.
What was so extraordinary today was that Honu Bumpy loves excitement…just as I do as a matter a fact.
I talked to Mama-P yesterday and said something about boring…well nothing boring with this medium sized turtle!
She loves to hang out in the surf and so we were surfing together while I was touching her. We would lose each other regularly because we got smashed by the waves and then I would call her and she would look at me and travel 10 meters to get back under my hands. Incredible, I never saw a turtle doing that. Then we swam together, and I would test her…a bit…J
I would say to her;”Come, here are my hands and she needed to come…haaa which she did!!!
This is a little HONU dog!
NO BITING anymore today!!!
Trusted her completely and I could see she did the same with me.
She is clever, she knows where she has to come underneath me
so I can touch her. It is so funny, that she precisely knows that!
At one point she was hanging underneath me and I was teasing
her a little bit with holding my hand a little higher. What was moving and so
cute was that she turned her face, saw my hand and made a sharp move with her
shell towards it.
What is cute too, is that she shows me with her fins where
to scratch.
I don’t know what is happening in the Ocean, but it is amazing.
I don’t know what is happening in the Ocean, but it is amazing.
I was singing for the dolphins this morning and instead of
dolphins an eagle ray came straight swimming towards me. I guess they all love
it. I am having all my pets in the Ocean. The dolphin baby jumps on my head
when I talk to him, dolphins swim next to me when I sing to them. They spin
around when I tell them how much I love them.
I am so blessed.
I had to let Honu Bumpy go and I waved her goodbye. Till
next time, I said!
I swam back to shore and bumped into a turtle again. I thought by myself, she is fast and I touched her with one finger. The turtle immediately started moving in circles to let me know; “I love it!,CONTINUE!”
One second later I saw; “This isn’t Honu Bumpy!”
It was another turtle with a beautiful shell. Not so dirty as Bumpy’s was.
She loved my attention and I was just loving her intensely.
I swam back to shore and bumped into a turtle again. I thought by myself, she is fast and I touched her with one finger. The turtle immediately started moving in circles to let me know; “I love it!,CONTINUE!”
One second later I saw; “This isn’t Honu Bumpy!”
It was another turtle with a beautiful shell. Not so dirty as Bumpy’s was.
She loved my attention and I was just loving her intensely.
She would turn under my hands, but in a very gently way. She
was much more peaceful then Bumpy is.
I could tell she was much more mature and serene.
What was interesting was, that when she saw other snorkelers she showed her shell as protection and swam away.
I start believing that turtles can talk to each other and that they tell that there is a weird but loving creature in the Ocean …loving them. And they see the difference between others and that weird creature that i am...
They love it so much!
What happens with me is that I can tell when they want it or not. I start knowing their behavior and moods. I am documenting everything; maybe it is valuable information one day.
One thing is certain, turtles are very sensitive beings! They don’t have a hard shell at all!!!!!!!!!
I could tell she was much more mature and serene.
What was interesting was, that when she saw other snorkelers she showed her shell as protection and swam away.
I start believing that turtles can talk to each other and that they tell that there is a weird but loving creature in the Ocean …loving them. And they see the difference between others and that weird creature that i am...
They love it so much!
What happens with me is that I can tell when they want it or not. I start knowing their behavior and moods. I am documenting everything; maybe it is valuable information one day.
One thing is certain, turtles are very sensitive beings! They don’t have a hard shell at all!!!!!!!!!
You can bet that my day was already so intensely beautiful
to have the honor to touch those amazingly sensitive animals!
Then tonight I practiced my silent retreat as Mama-P. gave me as home work.
And at first I saw images of the dolphins and turtles
appearing in my world.
And then suddenly I was just hearing the sounds of nature. The waves of the ocean and I was seeing the magnificent colors of the sunset. And then I closed my eyes and I could go inside my body knowing and feeling I wasn’t my body. When a thought came I could see it as a cloud passing in my sky. And I felt that this consciousness I was aware of wasn’t me neither and I went further and everything became dark. And the waves and the sounds and everything…even the background drumming that at first was disrupting...was all just creation…
I could see that the ocean and the waves were not real..it was just appearing as creation…as painting a painting…and I went further and came in darkness where I could see the earth and the stars and see that that was all creation…and I could feel that in that black nothingness, where I was once so afraid of…I could see that everything gets born out of that.
All possibilities.
The wave, the sound, , my body, my thoughts… was born out of that…also I could see that even the parentally negative was born out of that…I could see that there was no judgment there.
There was nothing, only peace…
And then suddenly I was just hearing the sounds of nature. The waves of the ocean and I was seeing the magnificent colors of the sunset. And then I closed my eyes and I could go inside my body knowing and feeling I wasn’t my body. When a thought came I could see it as a cloud passing in my sky. And I felt that this consciousness I was aware of wasn’t me neither and I went further and everything became dark. And the waves and the sounds and everything…even the background drumming that at first was disrupting...was all just creation…
I could see that the ocean and the waves were not real..it was just appearing as creation…as painting a painting…and I went further and came in darkness where I could see the earth and the stars and see that that was all creation…and I could feel that in that black nothingness, where I was once so afraid of…I could see that everything gets born out of that.
All possibilities.
The wave, the sound, , my body, my thoughts… was born out of that…also I could see that even the parentally negative was born out of that…I could see that there was no judgment there.
There was nothing, only peace…
Mmmm, I Feel I am not there yet.
Because there are voices that come up and tell me, what if…and
I know these are my thoughts, it is not me. I try to return to the emptiness
where everything get’s created and if feels nothing really matters there. What
I mean is all what is created is beautiful, so whatever is in life is
beautiful.
What about choice?
Mmm…more practice…J
I walked home as Grandfather turtle taught me…in a gently step, aware that I am not my body…
But in gratitude for my body, loving my body…and feeling grace stream through me…
Mmm…more practice…J
I walked home as Grandfather turtle taught me…in a gently step, aware that I am not my body…
But in gratitude for my body, loving my body…and feeling grace stream through me…
I could feel my Spirit….and knowing that I am also created
out of that…
Suddenly….
What happened was that I saw my birth mom and my grandparents…I mean they died a long time ago, but I could see them without identity and I could see that they were not different than me. And I could see that they could not have treated me different then they did, because they just believed their thoughts; like I do.
They didn’t know to be the ‘IAm’ in their life time.
They had to wait until they were dead…
I can do it now…
and see them….
What happened was that I saw my birth mom and my grandparents…I mean they died a long time ago, but I could see them without identity and I could see that they were not different than me. And I could see that they could not have treated me different then they did, because they just believed their thoughts; like I do.
They didn’t know to be the ‘IAm’ in their life time.
They had to wait until they were dead…
I can do it now…
and see them….
J
This is a funny story about my Grandmother. She was a snob,
was always busy with outer appearances and it was very important for her what
other people think of her. I guess she taught me that…J
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree(Belgian expression
to say that we get similar stuff to deal with)
Now, today… I could see that she wasn’t that one, which
liberates the whole past into the present moment.
But I remember when I was a little girl, we had to go to the graveyards with the first of November and my grandmother would wear her fur coat (chichi). As a little girl I was bored to go to the graveyards.
See me as HONU BUMPY with that kind of energy…J
My brother and I would run around and then we would get in trouble for disturbing the peace.
(You can only have peace when you are dead J)
Sttt…
At a certain moment I went to my Grandma and everybody was around her, because she had to play the melodrama drama of that day. You can imagine, right? Dressed in black, catholic, crying,…blablabla..
Anyway I kind of pulled at her coat and asked her; “Meme, where is your little home, here?”
Oh my…I said something…my dad was laughing so hard (he always was arguing with my grandma, my mom’s mother; his mother in law…so he thought that was funny J Lucky me…J)…
But I remember when I was a little girl, we had to go to the graveyards with the first of November and my grandmother would wear her fur coat (chichi). As a little girl I was bored to go to the graveyards.
See me as HONU BUMPY with that kind of energy…J
My brother and I would run around and then we would get in trouble for disturbing the peace.
(You can only have peace when you are dead J)
Sttt…
At a certain moment I went to my Grandma and everybody was around her, because she had to play the melodrama drama of that day. You can imagine, right? Dressed in black, catholic, crying,…blablabla..
Anyway I kind of pulled at her coat and asked her; “Meme, where is your little home, here?”
Oh my…I said something…my dad was laughing so hard (he always was arguing with my grandma, my mom’s mother; his mother in law…so he thought that was funny J Lucky me…J)…
(I was referring to her grave as her home…J)
I remember she wasn’t ‘that’ happy with my question…;)
I didn’t have a clue…what I was saying…I was 6 I think…
bringing some excitement into the silence….
Some CREATION…some ALIVENESS
LOL
bringing some excitement into the silence….
Some CREATION…some ALIVENESS
LOL
Love Tamara Rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com
www.rainbowsheart.com
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