Damned

Damned

Two days ago I just had deleted from my dictionary or from my possibilities in life:

“The dark night of the Soul.”

I was enthusiastic; it doesn’t exist anymore in my world! Over and out. That simple!
Done with it!
I thought that we are the creators of our world, so why would I allow that kind of s… still in my life?

Ye , ye…
There it was yesterday, it caught up with me….

It is as if we get tested when we put something bold like that in the field…

Oh ye…no darkness anymore, let’s see…what are you going to do with this?

Wham…
It was as my angel was standing behind me and whacked me with a two by four.
Great…
Well, I must say it was dawn dark! J
Painful, sad, etc….

The great thing about me (isn’t that wonderful we think like this about ourselves, well I think it is amazing I think about this myself lately) is that I don’t blame any external cause; but that I immediately go within to see what’s going on. I experienced when you do that that the light goes on much faster, then when you would blame, resist, persist, whine,…
lalalala

This time and many other times I can’t give myself all credit for this resurrection out of the death.
Most of the times I am fortunate, because God sends me an angel friend to help me coming back to the light.
Thank you P-Yoda, my Yoda in the light, my Jedi teacher, my loving friend and so many many other identities… we share together.
She walked with me in the darkness and held me and assured me the light was going to come back again. She loved me, even when I was announcing shitty things; she was standing in my back when I was anxious as hell.
She was even excited it was happing with me, so I could finally get rid of all limiting beliefs and identities I created in the past to survive. That thought of hers gave me a lot of hope. Finally I would be liberated of s…! (4 letter word)

I don’t want to say it out loud, because tomorrow I can be tested again with another wacko…but I truthful think I had a major shift yesterday.
You can’t imagine but I was intense sad, intense searching for the light…It was so so THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL!
The whole day I was moving in this darkness…as I was wading in the underworld of all my past old stinky beliefs….

And then this morning it happened spontaneous when I was running…
there was one word P-Yoda had spoken and that word opened my whole world, as never before.
It was the word TEAM.
My wounded child was so in pain yesterday, for all these years I had beaten her, starved her to death and never really listened. I thought others should take care of her, because I didn’t even know how.
The horse in me, the powerful creator was annoyed for really long to have this ‘needy’ child in me.

What do you need?
I don’t know how to feed you?

The identity of the wounded child can appear from when we were still in the womb, or when we were babies; where we felt we were not WANTED.
When we are older it is our job to want them, and I really didn’t know how to do that.
Until this morning I just felt she (the wounded child) trusted me.
I felt it deep inside...that trust…I never have felt that before in my life.
She was the one that announced from now on we are a team.
As she forgave me for all the torture I let her go through in the past.

And the horse identity could see for the first time that it can’t live without that child energy. It is my art!
Before I wanted to delete it, shut it up,….
the horse said; ”I am so sorry for all what I did to you, but I NEED you to be with me, because without you I am not whole. Yes we need to be a team, because you are the artist, the child, the creator….

It felt so strange, something I never felt before in my life. I felt I could trust me for the first time in my life, really…it is sad it took so long…but what is time, right? Everything in perfect timing!

I didn’t feel lonely anymore. It was the child that felt so lonely, abandoned and rejected.

I became a PARENT today!

For days I heard my voice, my inner guidance telling me that I need to make a You tube video for anorexia people. And it felt it was time, but this was the piece that was still missing. I know deep inside, because I was there for so long that this is what most anorexia and eat disorder people are missing.

 It is the love for the wounded child.

They leave the wounded child sitting on an empty rock in no-man’s-land, where there is only loneliness and it is freezing cold. They let the wounded child starve to death….they don’t want the child…
they just refuse and beg other’s to do it for them. They don’t know how..

Thank you P-Yoda being with me..loving me, when I could not love me.
Thank you!

The child says, the horse says..hand in hand…a creative TEAM!

Amazing..when I was making this blog I wondered which painting to add. I opened a doc and the computer choose for me! And choose the child!!!!!
I painted this in 1997 and people always asked me if it was me, when I was little...

it is so a wonderful sign for me to see that this painting popped up...
It is the symbolic of LIGHT, ABUNDANCE and FREEDOM to me...

Waaw Than you Angel..this was not a two by four..but a wonderful gift...

I know i know, your two by fours are too. I know...i know...

Thank you my guardian Angel...we ARE a TEAM!
The whole Universe is my TEAM!!!

I am WANTED!

Love tamara.

www.rainbowsheart.com