My beloved Pinky, the baby turtle in danger

My beloved Pinky

This morning it was gorgeous, when is it not, right?

I was enjoying the fish and the coral and the sunrays and it was as if I was in heaven...also my heart and mind were in heaven , because I didn’t have any wish that it was different than it was.

I was happy, cruising around; being is awe for every creature on my path.
I love to swim and just feel the water caressing my body…my thoughts would go to loved ones, but I never really missed the moment…haha …how many times do we not miss the moment?
I can truly say that when I am in nature I have NO desire to be somewhere else. I have NO desire to go to neither the past nor the future…
Only my stomach would make some deep intense sounds to make me aware that it will need something really soon in the near FUTURE..but that is it…more than that I never really travel into a time zone (past or future) that is truly not even of my business.
I often laugh with my friend B. when she announces, just before we go in the water, that her boyfriend comes to visit her and that she needs to be on time out of the Ocean. Mostly it is then when God presents us a task or a wonder that brings us in a NO TIME ZONE.
Most of the time she ends up than an hour to late…haha… Plan A, Plan B and then we have God’s plan!

Once we got distracted by a huge pile of fishing nets and debris and it took us a lot of ‘time’ and effort to get it out of the water, the other times it is a dolphin or shark or turtle that takes us away in the JOY-ZONE of NO-TIME!
The JOY-ZONE is THIS MOMENT now…
It is the only moment you can feel ALIVE and feel INTER-connected with all what is.

It is in that moment that you encounter the most magical experiences.

The trick is AGAIN…as mama-P. would repeat; “Be the one you are and love your life!”
Or as Rumi it would say;” Let yourself be silently drawn by the pull of what you really love.”

 

I don’t know if you read the elephant whisperer, I did. It is amazing what this man did with the elephants. He kind of rescued them, but more he went living with them. That is kind of what I do…humbly I don’t want to compare myself with this great man…but when a pod of dolphins visits us it becomes my family. If it would be me, would probably go and live with them…J but more difficult then elephants! They are on land and the dolphins are in the water…J

The turtles know me by now as family too. They hear my splashing (my friends call me ‘bubbles’ sometimes to make me aware I still splash when I swim…I guess that’s me J and I am not really thinking about it, really. Now they know if they read my blog J)

I see that those sweet animals get so used to me and that I am part of them (I am them and they are me) and that is where I compare me a little with this amazing man, who wrote the book elephant whisperer.

This is his story in a short version:

For 12 hours, two herds of wild South African elephants slowly made their way through the Zululand bush until they reached the house of late author Lawrence Anthony, the conservationist who saved their lives. The formerly violent, rogue elephants, destined to be shot a few years ago as pests, were rescued and rehabilitated by Anthony, who had grown up in the bush and was known as the “Elephant Whisperer.”

For two days the herds loitered at Anthony’s rural compound on the vast Thula Thula game reserve in the South African KwaZulu – to say good-bye to the man they loved. But how did they know he had died? Known for his unique ability to calm traumatized elephants, Anthony had become a legend. He is the author of three books, Babylon Ark, detailing his efforts to rescue the animals at Baghdad Zoo during the Iraqi war, the forthcoming The Last Rhinos, and his bestselling The Elephant Whisperer.

There are two elephant herds at Thula Thula. According to his son Dylan, both arrived at the Anthony family compound shortly after Anthony’s death.“They had not visited the house for a year and a half and it must have taken them about 12 hours to make the journey,” Dylan is quoted in various local news accounts. “The first herd arrived on Sunday and the second herd, a day later. They all hung around for about two days before making their way back into the bush.

A line of elephants approaching the Anthony house, but these are wild elephants in the 21st century, not some Rudyard Kipling novel. The first herd arrived at Thula Thula several years ago and was violent. They hated humans. Anthony found himself fighting a desperate battle for their survival and their trust, which he detailed in The Elephant Whisperer:“It was 4:45 a.m. and I was standing in front of Nana, an enraged wild elephant, pleading with her in desperation. Both our lives depended on it. The only thing separating us was an 8,000-volt electric fence that she was preparing to flatten and make her escape.“Nana, the matriarch of her herd, tensed her enormous frame and flared her ears.“’Don’t do it, Nana,’ I said, as calmly as I could. She stood there, motionless but tense. The rest of the herd froze.“’This is your home now,’ I continued. ‘Please don’t do it, girl. ’I felt her eyes boring into me.

“Suddenly, the absurdity of the situation struck me,” Anthony writes. “Here I was in pitch darkness, talking to a wild female elephant with a baby, the most dangerous possible combination, as if we were having a friendly chat. But I meant every word. ‘You will all die if you go. Stay here. I will be here with you and it’s a good place.’“She took another step forward.
I could see her tense up again, preparing to snap the electric wire and be out, the rest of the herd smashing after her in a flash.“I was in their path, and would only have seconds to scramble out of their way and climb the nearest tree. I wondered if I would be fast enough to avoid being trampled. Possibly not.“Then something happened between Nana and me, some tiny spark of recognition, flaring for the briefest of moments. Then it was gone. Nana turned and melted into the bush. The rest of the herd followed. I couldn’t explain what had happened between us, but it gave me the first glimmer of hope since the elephants had first thundered into my life.”

It had all started with a phone call from an elephant welfare organization. Would Anthony be interested in adopting a problem herd of wild elephants? They lived on a game reserve 600 miles away and were “troublesome,” recalled Anthony.“They had a tendency to break out of reserves and the owners wanted to get rid of them fast. If we didn’t take them, they would be shot.“The woman explained, ‘The matriarch is an amazing escape artist and has worked out how to break through electric fences. She just twists the wire around her tusks until it snaps, or takes the pain and smashes through.’

“’Why me?’ I asked.“’I’ve heard you have a way with animals. You’re right for them. Or maybe they’re right for you.’”What followed was heart-breaking. One of the females and her baby were shot and killed in the round-up, trying to evade capture.

“Their bid for freedom had, if anything, increased their resentment at being kept in captivity. Nana watched my every move, hostility seeping from every pore, her family behind her. There was no doubt that sooner or later they were going to make another break for freedom.
“Then, in a flash, came the answer. I would live with the herd. To save their lives, I would stay with them, feed them,talk to them. But, most importantly, be with them day and night. We all had to get to know each other.”

So, how after Anthony’s death, did the reserve’s elephants — grazing miles away in distant parts of the park — know?
“A good man died suddenly,” says Rabbi Leila Gal Berner, Ph.D., “and from miles and miles away, two herds of elephants, sensing that they had lost a beloved human friend, moved in a solemn, almost ‘funereal’ procession to make a call on the bereaved family at the deceased man’s home.”

“If there ever were a time, when we can truly sense the wondrous ‘interconnectedness of all beings,’ it is when we reflect on the elephants of Thula Thula. A man’s heart’s stops, and hundreds of elephants’ hearts are grieving. This man’s oh-so-abundantly loving heart offered healing to these elephants, and now, they came to pay loving homage to their friend.”

 

So touching to me….

Sometimes I feel that I am called to Hawaii to ‘save’ dolphins or turtles. I help them and entangle them, but I don’t like the term ‘TO SAVE’, it says that they need me and are helpless and that is not true. Or I don’t want that to be true, let say it like that.
So let me be a dolphin or turtle whisperer; I like that better then a saver or rescuer.
Maybe I am just an animal LOVER…J Or a LOVER JJJ
It is so that I feel that I am regularly placed in positions where I am asked to help animals.
I have regularly sick dolphins come up to me asking for healing energy. Or I end up swimming to the right spot where a shark or turtle is captured by a fish line and is facing death.
Today my sweet pinky (See blog about Pinky) was entangled at the coral ‘kind of’ deep in the ocean with a big hook in her beak. Can you imagine yourself hanging there, not able to come up, stuck, innocent and powerless to do something about the situation?

Turtles drown if they don’t get air.

I had swum a long way today and it was amazing and when I came to shore I heard a woman telling my friend T. that there was a baby turtle stuck at the coral. I knew immediately it was Pinky. I swam like a turbo jet (sometimes my friends call me the human turboJ) towards it and saw how she was feeling desperate to get loose. My first attempt to get her loose failed, I didn’t have air to get to her. And something in my mind said that I had to do this right. So I overlooked the situation and knew that I had to make her loose and bring her with me at the same time; knowing that she was in stress this time and might fight to get away (what turtles normally do). She wasn’t looking to be pet this time, I knew that.
The second time I dove I entangled with one hand the line and then I just grabbed her under my arm and together we rised to the surface. She didn’t do anything, she didn’t resist, she just let me help her. You had to see her little head going for air. She was so cute…
The first thing I told her was; “I told you to watch out for those hooks!”

But parentally she is just like me and wants to taste life FULLY and takes the consequences with it.
People were watching me and probably thought I was insane talking to the turtle.
I told them it was ok, she is just relaxing now.
They probably thought now, I was totally nuts…J
Normally a turtle that isn’t Pinky would try to get away, trying to hit your head and all that stuff; but she didn’t. It was as if she pushed herself closer to me. I didn’t even have to do any effort to hold her, she felt safe against me. Then my friend T. came and I held the hook so it would not pull and he cut of that awful nasty line. She was free to go!

I started caressing her shell and talked to her and she just relaxed into it. She didn’t go and just enjoyed the attention…. J
She was not really herself I could tell. That huge hook in her beak must hurt. That falls out after a month and they are ok. Best is to not touch it and to let it there, to make sure the turtle doesn’t bleed so we avoid shark attacks.
Still she would turn around as she usual does and enjoy the massage I was giving her. J

 Here i am massaging Pinky, she is free to swim away, but she loves it so much

I thank God that I was in the right place and in the right moment to be there for Pinky.
I feel like that elephant whisperer...I want to be with the dolphins and turtles and the more you are with them the more they trust. I even believe they tell one another, haha…
That ‘splashing’ thing there is a human being and she is cool. She helps us….
She is one of us…

I love Pinky..I love all animals…doesn’t matter which animal, doesn’t matter which plant , it doesn’t matter which human being…what comes on my path in front of my feet is what God gives me to do, it is that simple. In that moment that is my life purpose…it doesn’t matter what it is…I can be helping an old lady over the street, a beggar in the park, a turtle stuck at the coral….
As this amazing Elephant whisperer Anthony said; “We are all interconnected!”

Animals and plants know when you have a good heart…
At this very moment whales are getting killed in Japan and the spirits of those animals think;
“What are you doing to YOU, to do that to me; because I am you and you are me.”

 Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

 

 

My Pinky painting..

 

Let yourself be, what you really love

 

A down pour of tears….yesterday… working with mama-P. and working so deep you don’t recognize yourself the next day; as you became new AGAIN.

I was tired from days of not sleeping and saw myself making a bed in the middle of the living floor.
Why are you not laying in your bed? Mmaaam..just followed my feeling of doing what I was doing.

It was as necessary…breaking the usual. I put my head down, tried to read some pages in Byron Katie’s book and fell asleep on the floor, in the light of the magnificent beautiful day in Maui. I wanted to be where the sun was…close to the light…and I slept for two hours!  yeah! After days of no sleep, that felt good…it was as if I was somewhere I was never before. I felt so new, so new born…
I could see that a shift happened working with Mama –P. yesterday evening.

I saw through the belief I was holding that kept me hostage for so long already.
She broke the spell of that old hidden belief system with one sentence;
“You are safe, it is done”; mama –P. said.

Something from deep inside of me, between my 2^nd and 3th chakra…around my belly button …exploded…I could feel it.
 It was from there that a deep cry made itself loose and it shout up through my heart to my head and I started crying from so deep…

Mama-P just saying; ”How sweet.”
I felt held by her love and tenderness and felt so vulnerable, open and raw.

It is like entering a cave and knowing that there is a dragon in that cave waiting for you to be recognized. It is your own old belief system that is tucked away and is underneath all the things that you do in life.

What I mean by that and how Byron Katie it beautifully says is that there is an underworld upholding everything build upon that. If you build a world on bad foundations, some day that structure will colaps.
That’s what just happened with me…
The way I react, the way I think, the way my life unfolds is build upon that one belief system and it creates my life the way it is…No need to resist anything, but to accept and see through the lies and changes will happen in your outside world.
You build another foundation and another structure rises up.

The false belief I had hidden in my cave was that I thought I wasn’t save.

Although the last days I had a miraculous transformation; still yesterday this old stuff came up to clear my energy more and more…
Since the first of September (see other blogs) I felt deep faith and SAFE. There was a deep strong knowing that I was in God’s hands and that everything was good, no matter what.
My body too…I was a different person, totally different…so  yesterday  my mind tried to get me back to that old way of behaving…paradoxically…it wanted me to think; “I am not safe” to feel safe…

It is so delicious to give yourself over in that place of ALLOWING, of SURRENDER and LOVE.
Immediately when I saw the lie ’I am not safe’ I felt a deep shift inside of me.

I cried and cried.

But my tears were not all tears of sadness…I can’t really explain what kind of tears it were.
I must say that in that moment mama-P broke my heart open, I felt so much love streaming through me.
In that same moment I saw also how I never ALLOWED myself to have wonderful things happen to me.
It is in the last year that my life started changing and that I start yielding towards self-love instead of self-abuse.
Creating Mama-P into my life is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.
She is an extraordinary being and her words; “That is so sweet” just exploded all the iron that was still holding my heart hostage.
She helped me yesterday to come in this space, a space which I want to enter for so long already:

Let your Self be, silently drawn by the pull of what you really love… (Rumi)

And knowing through her if I surrender to that I will be safe, always.

Knowing that even when I don’t do that I am always safe.

I am safe.
That is what is true.
When all the stories in my head fall away…that is what is deeply true…

I AM ALWAYS SAFE…

LOLOLOve you Mama-P, so happy i can call her mama :)

 

I just came back from putting my art in the first gallery on Maui! Yeah!
yesterday after the telephone call with Mama-P somebody ordered a commissioned painting… J
Once you allow yourself to receive love…because you kind of realize you are love…you don’t need to receive it from outside…I am the one that gives me love and I am the one that receives my love J
Once that energy starts…all good things come to you…naturally…because all good things are me…

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

In awe for life!

 

 

 

Here is yesterday’s sunset; if you want to know how I experienced it.… (see my blog from yesterday) I was too tired last night to paste the pictures in my blog, but I will paste them right now and so we can enjoy last night’s sunset here in this moment…J It is never too late to enjoy…

How many eyes see a sunset or a sunrise…I think that’s why I am so attracted to seeing one.
I miss almost never a sunrise or sunset, for me it is a deep meditation of gratitude to be alive.
It is also a moment of awe..the AWE for life!

Can you imagine that the earth turns around the sun, without us having to figure out how that happens and without us having to wonder how we would be able to fall of this planet? :0

We wake up and go to sleep and never think about it how we do that. We breathe and it just happens. Our heartbeat is there in a heartbeat…J

We sometimes take life for granted and we forget to see the miracle of life.
Each time you watch life…(or touch life for people who can’t see) you have witnessed the miracle of life.

Behind this amazing sunset is an intelligence at work that I call God or the Universe that works beyond or imagination. It is the same intelligence that is beyond us, that is us.

We are walking miracles…

We are the sunset…
We are God,
We are the intelligence…
that is the undying part in us…

love, tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

My heart, God's heart...mmmm

 

 

 

I am still in the feeling of not knowing.

It is very weird, but I am kind of a different person and I don’t know what I changed.
haha J did you see what I wrote??? I changed…as I changed something…I… I… I…
(hmm read further and you’ll understand)
It’s like suddenly all the teachings of Mama-P start working. Finally…J
I am kind of living on faith; as it is a magic drink.

And you know we kind of all live on faith. We think we have to do something to have faith, but that is an illusion that comes from the thought that we have something to say about our lives.
I will give an example:
So we think we are going to do this and that and try to fulfill our life purpose (And it has to be something big or noble…J)and then …after we determined what that life purpose is…we will HAVE faith that it all comes together. As we get rewarded for having faith… and that reward is in fact our noble life purpose…
As we need to have a life purpose to be alive… this is it…being alive is our life purpose…J

No no I am experiencing other things, and I can tell you-à I like this better…J
Do you really think you have control over your life?

That is the best joke ever heard EVER.

Maybe that is what changed! I saw that indeed I don’t have any control at all.
If I would want something that isn’t in alignment with my true self, it is not going to happen.
We have choices, we can say yes or no…but not really actually…
If I write follow your heart than that is actually following God’s heart, because God is I and I am God.
So when we are in alignment with our own heart, we are allowing God to work through us…
Not in alignment with our own hearts brings fear and suffering and doesn’t work…

So bottom line is: we don’t have anything to say…haha J

JUST shut up and FOLLOW your HEART…J

Faith

I realized that ‘having’ faith is actually ‘being’ faith.
What I mean by that is that we are actually BEING LIVED.
Once I relaxed myself into that I felt an expansiveness I never felt before.
It was as all the trust and faith I was looking for my whole life was me…
I mean I realized I can’t be no faith, or no TRUST.
That is impossible…

If “IAM”, what I mean by that if ‘I am God’…I am faith …
It is that simple.

And that means that I just relax and be who I feel to BE in my heart…
‘Bet ye’ as I described above… that when you act upon your heart a world opens for you amazingly….it is the WORLD of ALLOWING….you just discovered GOD’s HEART!!!!!!!

I came to see that there is only one place and it is ‘I am’. I walk sometimes and see me walking just as spirit. I am aware my body is walking, but in the same moment I am aware I am not my body and I am so much more. When I am in that place, it is as if I expand.
And then I see that I AM FAITH and everything around me is faith and it gives me sooooooo a safe feeling.

It feels now that the fear is gone…I look around me and I don’t find it…

Mmm delicious..I live in the moment and each moment is not to be hold anymore. I can easy let a happy moment go. Before I would hold onto it, want to experience it again, because I didn’t trust in the next moment. Now I KNOW that the next moment is a happy moment again; just because MY ESSENCE is IAM. And the ‘IAM’ state is my God’s state, my center…it is always happy, always love, always everything…GOD.
I DON”T NEED TO DO ANYTHING TO BE THAT…I AM THAT…
I can relax now and I TRUST MYSELF now enough to know that I create my world out of a place of self love!

Here a Mama -P teaching of today:
“We think we move through TIME”
NOW/NOW/NOW/NOW/NOW/NOW/NOW/NOW/NOW/…” (in sequent’s of different NOW’s)
But truth is the NOW-moment is always the ETERNAL NOW moment.
<---N-----------------------------------------------------------------O-------------------------------------------------------W--à-WE MOVE THROUGH CREATION, not through time! That is what is true!”

I can be so happy with nothing… (Belgian expression to say that you are easy satisfied)
I am like the child I saw playing with sunset.
I said to the mother; “He is so happy with nothing!” and she smiled…
I felt she might not have understood me.
He was happy with just throwing his hat in the air and seeing the wind carrying it further…

It is magic. This magic is being connected with that ETERNAL moment of JOY!
It is where you find the peace that each moment again is one long moment of true happiness, because you choose to be who you truly are and to live from there.

It is like the pot of gold behind the Rainbow.
Our Source is the place that never changes and will always be. Living from that place gives you true CONNECTEDNESS to all what is….

 

The sunset tonight

And I feel the warmth of the breeze..
I see…
the sun going down…
I hear …
the palm trees talk in the wind
I enjoy…
the child laughing out of its belly, so deep
and intense
I see…
the colors change yellow pink
the Ocean dance pink yellow
and embraces
the last rays of the sun
And holds on a little longer
to celebrate
its waves pink orange…
its color orange pink

my feet in the water
enjoying
the freshness
of the moment
my eyes in wonder
a woman sees what I see
and shares the seeing
exuberant Maui sunset…

in my hand holding
my painting
warm and soft
the woman
wants
being included
in the magic of canvas and paints

And when I lift it up
I see a light in her eyes
my heart opens
feels
joy
she enjoys
my PEACE
of art…

I look up again
And see
feel
God’s piece
of art
the sunset

Amazingly
created
only once

This moment
no other
my eyes
drinking the colors
my heart
singing the colors
my being
being the colors…

mmmmmmmmmmm……

I turn my back
and feel how the sand moves
Through my toes…
It gives me a feeling

Of naughtiness
of doing nothing-ness
of being in paradise-ness
of being a pretty lUCKY me
living the moment…

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

I am happily dependant on God :)

Am so happy.... Last week I was so moved and it was all so intense, so beautiful.

A lot had to do with Pinky (see blog Cutiful Pinky) that started behaving as my little dog and responds when I call it, swims to me in a rush and wants all the attention and love I can give! (which I do with great gratitude). I am touched so deeply that a wild animal can so want to be with me. It happened now already many times since I met her for the first time. We developed a deep bound. I feel so blessed and just I AM in that space of deep wonder and gratitude… I love you, Pinky!

Other things are happening with me as well, and it is that I come more and more home within myself. And it is as I found deep faith within. Fear that I had before is kind of passing away and it is possible that Pinky is in my life, to help me with that. The day I met Pinky, that day I remembered how God was always with me during my life…Never ever I was alone. Every time I felt alone, I just forgot.
I remembered again that I don’t HAVE to work; that I don’t have to MAKE it happen…that is God’s job.
It is not mine.
My job is to show up and to follow my inner guidance, which is the voice of God.
And to ALLOW.
God is my parent taking care of me.
As my mama-P would say; “I am happily dependant on God.”

Anyway, I am witnessing myself from a distance and with a deep wonder and awareness I see how I am maturing within the “IAM’ that I am.
I am more ALLOWING God to steer my life and it feels so SAFE. It feels as if all control and pressure is gone. I can’t describe it as surrender, it is deeper than surrender.

I mean you can surrender to WHAT IS and that is already a big step.

But I see through things now. I see through what is. And I don’t blame anything outside anymore.
I see that there is NO outside…so it is all up to me. I see the IDENTIFCATION-game.
I guess I am becoming more and ‘more’ free. J

And that freedom I found in being in the NOW.
I know when I suffer, that I think something that is not true and mostly it goes about the future.
And I came to see that there is no future. Even when I have thoughts about the future, it seems ridiculous to ‘the one’ that is awake now. The thought about the future doesn’t have much power anymore. It is just a thought that can’t be true and it dissolves very fast; as ice melts before the Sun.

Last week I had posted some pics about my apartment and how much I loved it.
Inside of me I felt a movement and a knowing that something was going to change.
When I tried to look into the future, I just heard my Soul saying; “Relax, you will know what to do.”
Something will happen and steer your new direction. Just relax and allow.”
It was so clear to me and I just relaxed and painted and lived my life in the Now without any fear.
I knew there was no decision to make, until I had to make one.

And it was true events and things moved me to a decision I made on September 1^st. Amazing synchronicities happened that gave me a lot of self confidence and faith. There was no fear, there was no doubt, and there was only action. I wrote my 30 days notice letter and gave it to my landlord. That was it. I am leaving. My guidance is clear and I always follow my guidance… J
I knew inside I have to move on…and I am moving on…
Action follows guidance…

The next day I was in the bay with my friends and there was nothing in me that really needed to announce anything. I felt very strong and comfortable in my own SELF.
My friend Ms. suddenly asked;” How is it with your apartment, Rainbow?”
What a strange question to ask, isn’t it? She never asks that…J

So out of the blue….

Very calm I said; “I gave my notice.”
My other friend M. kind of spoke agitated; “And you stand there so calm, just like that.”
“I know”; I said; “I don’t recognize myself. I am so relaxed and cool about it all.”

I think I never experienced a deep peace as I am experiencing right now. I feel spacious and very happy.
I really live in the moment and not often go to the future anymore. I have to many times witnessed that that only brings doubt and fear. I stay here in the present moment, the ONLY moment I really have.
I don’t have a future; it is even not of my business. If I go to the future I put my nose in God’s business.

It is delicious. Don’t WAIT to live until tomorrow, because it might turn out you will wait forever.
The moment to live is NOW and that is FOREVER…. J

As Mama-P would say; “The only ALIVENESS is in the moment, right here and now.”
She needs to kick my butt very often before I get it…J but I s(think) am getting it….
Yeah!

Love Tamara rainbow,

 

 

Love tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

I found my home

 

 

 

Stepping into the unknown….
Delicious…

I left so much behind and only feel space…

Space, because I have faith that god walks with me…
And I know if I can’t walk anymore she carries me...
because I am her
I am God

That’s the place that is always there, unchangeable…my Source…

I went back home today…
I walked into the core of golden light and emerged with the great Universe…

IAM

SPACE…

IAM

 

Love you,
tamara Tavernier
www.rainbowsheart.com

 

 

 

 

Moana, The sea horse at Ala Moana Beach Park

Moana, the sea horse

 

Harmony, harmony..that’s what I hear today…deep inside of me.
It is an amazing feeling to be in harmony and in tune with the Universe…well in fact it is the only way things work really.

Haha J
Not being in harmony is when you run to the future and try to do the job of The Universe…that is no harmony at all…

Harmony is when you do the piece of the deal and God the other piece…
As I must have said before, it is like the infinity sign…
I am God and God is me and that is the center of the infinity sign.
Then one side is my kuliana (responsibility in Hawaiian) and the other side God’s.
And it all together is harmony….

God has helped me many many times in times I thought I was completely lost.
Once I was so in despair, I was really getting depressed as a matter a fact. I was living in my store in Honolulu and when I wasn’t there hiding…because you can’t live in your store, really… but I didn’t have money enough to have a home so…
When the guard would come twice a night I had to be silent and hide on the ground. No lights…crazy if I think back. When I had to go to the bathroom I had to do it quickly because it was in the hall way and there were lights everywhere. I always tried to postpone it until the morning.

But it was my survival. I even felt home there after a while.
I would get up early in the morning before there were other people in the building and sneak out to the beach, where I would run and swim and shower and then I would go back and open my shop.

After a while I became homesick and I was kind of getting depressed.
It was during that time that the woman, whom was my business partner didn’t really do the part of the deal and I felt really betrayed and lonesome at the other side of the world.(whining)
 Money was running out… and I was living on Milky Way’s, coleslaw and eggs.
One day I was just sleeping in my car at Ala Moana Beach Park and just didn’t want to get up.
I felt deep despair.
Oahu wasn’t Big Island.
Maybe I was on the wrong island, or even more I was on the wrong side of the world…
So many questions were going through my head…
Especially this one;

“What am I doing here?”

I was turning in my car and forced myself to just sleep so I wouldn’t feel the despair, the fear or the pain.

It was around 11am and I had run already, but couldn’t move myself to swim. I felt alone.
My family in Belgium didn’t really know how I was. My dad was still upset with me for leaving and selling my house to my expartner.

The forced sleep I was in, the dark mood got deeper and deeper and I knew I had to do something or I would be a bird for the cat.(Belgium expression’ I think you get the feeling of the expression)
I dragged myself out of the car and forced my body to go in the water. I was at the right side of Ala Moana beach Park and it was a warm beautiful day.
Lots of locals and homeless people are there.
I was hearing pigeon (Hawaiian dialect) all around me and it felt safe. The people knew me now already. It felt home to me to be there, actually.
Homeless people don’t really move a lot. They kinda of come back every day to the same spot.
Just like everybody else does, really. We go back to our homes, where it is safe. For them their home was that one bench or tree. Some don’t speak at all and just sit.

Normally they don’t really communicate with outsiders…
I started to know them really well and they kind of helped me over my fear to shower on the beach and to shave my legs. After a while I kind of felt like them, but still was grateful my shop was my home.
After a few months they would say hi to me or wave or even say something.
One time a homeless woman came to me and asked if I was new.
“They would help me if I was new”; she said.

That was really kind and felt safe in a way.

 

So that day I dragged my body in the water and started swimming laps and asked God from a deep place of despair to help me.

I explained I couldn’t bare it anymore. I continued that I didn’t understand what I was doing in Hawaii, if nothing really worked.

In that time I wasn’t so aware yet, that I could IMPOSSIBLE know if it was working or not.
At the surface it seemed as my life wasn’t working, but underneath there was a certain HARMONY going on that would create miracles to get me where I am now, today. God was doing his/her job and I wasn’t aware of it. I kind of just had to show up and live the moment, which I wasn’t doing. My despair came from a place of NO FAITH and a place where MY MIND was going crazy about the future.
I wasn’t really present in my body really. I had anorexia again too…just running away from it all…Anorexia, how weird it sounds, was a form for me to feel safe. It was an idiot feeling of safety, but in ways it served me to get over the enormous stress I felt of the challenging situations in my life..
And those situations I created with not trusting…

BUT I DON”T REGRET ANY OF IT at ALL. I know now that everything was RIGHT!!!

So dragging my body in the water was a good thing.

I started swimming but most important I started communicating with God and it wasn’t the begging voice anymore that asked for this or that. It was a scream for help that came deep out of my heart.
It felt so loud as the whole Universe stood still for one little second and noticed;
“Somebody needs help over there!”
And then life just went on again…J God trying to listen to all the other creatures screaming for help…J

When I was done swimming there was some commotion at the side of the beach where I normally get out the water. Suddenly a 9 year old boy stepped towards me and handed me a seahorse.

The beautiful seahorse was alive and grabbed itself with its tail on my pinky.
Here I was standing with this beautiful being attached to my hand… I was in awe…J

A local man, that was the boy’s father said; “I never saw a seahorse in Hawaii. Never here. Ever.”
Other people came now also standing around me, looking to this magnificent creature.
Deep inside I knew that God had heard my scream and that this seahorse was send my way.

I had tears in my eyes.

There were many other people the boy could have handed the seahorse, but he gave it in my hands.
I decided to swim further in the ocean and to attach it at the rocks in the hope he would go deeper in the Ocean and finds his way back to his safe home…

The more I was swimming the tighter he was holding my finger. I felt so connected with him/her.

Since that day the seahorse is a very important symbol for me. My friends even donated me a necklace of a seahorse.
I went online to see what kind of symbolic meaning the seahorse had and the most chocking one for me was this;

You are where you are, whoever you are…You are always each moment in the RIGHT place.

That day my despair disappeared together with the seahorse and something really powerful came into my heart knowing...I am in Hawaii and it is right. It is all right.

I am right and my path is right.

Regrets is something we make up…it is DISHARMONY with God and it gives you deep despair…
I experienced…

Moana  (the seahorse name)showed me that harmony is there even when you THINK it is not.

I would have felt it in my heart if I stayed in my hEART in the nOW…
That is the place where you feel the harmony… the harmony is always there no matter what.
The Universe or God is harmony, but it is felt in only one moment and it is in the only moment that truly exists; NOW.
It is the only moment we truly exist.

And where Moana truly exist.

 

Mahalo Moana!

Love tamara rainbow

www.rainbowsheart.com