My liberating thoughts

Interesting day…my body is not working with me, or are my thoughts working against my body?

Is not the body innocent? And only the receiver of thoughts? Are our bodies created by our minds? Do we abuse our bodies with abusive and negative self talk?

Today was a day of strange feelings and thoughts. On top of that I had a feeling my body would explode.
Maybe my body was reacting on the extremely rare thoughts that were in my mind.

I don’t know. It is just very uncomfortable.

I had listened to a tape, where the author describes you need to embrace your own death. It brought me in a weird atmosphere of awareness. It was not bad; it was just interesting and uncomfortable. I saw that I wanted to avoid the idea of being death. That is still a long time a way I thought. The author continued and shared that your life could be over in a sec. Oeps, that is true. He described that we were living in a dream state because we are pushing the death reality away. We don’t want to think, hear nor talk about it.

And that’s right. I don’t.

But then he continued and I realized he was right in a way,. Through accepting death, we come to a full awareness of each moment in our life. Mmmm…it felt free.
But not comfortable. Who wants to think about his own death?
I looked around me and nothing mattered any more. If I was death, there was nothing to worry about. There was nothing to be happy about neither.
Oh, there was just nothing.

Or not?

How would it be to be dead?

I pushed it away and went home painting. I love to listen to you tube video’s of inspirational teachers and this time I put Echart Tolle on. Interesting enough he starts talking about the need to die in order to be alive.
Waaw this is twice in one day….

Ok now I start listening more closely. My body started being funky and I was getting more angry at it, the later it came. What was going on? I couldn’t handle the dying lectures at all.

It was like all I ever wanted and tried in my life to get or do was not important anymore.
Even the fact my body and my thoughts were bothering me today, I took it as a sign to look at it closely. Neither my thoughts nor body is going to make it. Soon or later I am going to die.
All the worries about paying rent on time, war, peace, friends that are angry, friends that are happy, what will I eat tonight, my art,…nothing will be important any more when I die. It didn’t feel good, but in the moment of acceptation there was a great freedom. It was as if all fear in my life dissolved.

A relief went through my body. I didn’t have to become or do anything if I didn’t want too.

The worst thing that could happen was that I would die, and that will happen anyway.

I came to see that we are all equal. People with power and big ego now, will lose that ego soon enough when they die. We all return to the same.

To end the evening I wanted to take a tarot card for fun….ye ye
Jaja…guess …I took the DEATH card.

I am in a weird place right now. It is as if I am soaring between a place of no existence and existence.
It feels as if I have great freedom now and I have a feeling I can do anything I want. It is as if fear left my being.
Was this the very thing I ran away from all this years, since my mom died?

 Yes it was. I couldn’t accept death. I don’t know if I did today. But I did put a huge step in the right direction. I just feel it.

Nothing of the small concerns of life is important anymore, when you stop denying death.

I guess that is the most important thing that happens when you embrace your own death. It is as if there are no concerns for the future anymore, because there is no future!
Sorry my message is so morbid. But I hope you see the freedom in this message today. I feel that my world in me and around me is not the same anymore. I know I still have a lot to learn about this. But I know I took the first step in being FULLY ALIVE with embracing my death.

Dying to the Self, because that is what it is, is being born in the infinite.
And I can be wrong…but these were my thoughts of today..i wonder which painting I can add to this. I always paint so lively. But maybe death is just that= being alive.


this painting is Kukuipuka, heiau in Maui. A heiau is a sacred place for Hawaiians.
Kukuipuka means 'Doorway to the light'.
I painted this not a long time ago. Itb shows multi dimensional layers of existence.
My website http://www.rainbowsheart.com/


love Rainbow