Am falling...here I go!

 

 

I am not anymore and I am…

Is that confusing or what?

I am, finally I am…
finally I am looking through the eyes of awareness…

I am looking as awareness…
I am listening as awareness…
I am smelling as awareness….

 

What does this mean?

 

I am gone as me the person, I am gone as me the individual, the identification…

I am no-thing…

I lost my mind…
I really did…

I am a huge space now…
Nothing from the past is me…
Nothing in the future is me…
I don’t have a past and no future…
I fell in this moment,

This moment
here and now,

I fall in this moment
this moment,
here and now,

I will fall in this moment,
this moment,
here and now…

No-thing I know for sure anymore…
then only I am typing right now…
my fingers…

Two fingers I use…
very strange, very fast…
I am that space within my body,
no attachment to anything at all…
I am typing and nothing more…

There is a huge freedom in all of this.
I don’t allow my mind anymore to make up my future…
Or to negotiate with its possibilities of a future…
No…I don’t allow that anymore…

It is strange and weird. I keep saying to Mamaji.
I feel like that.
But it feels green and yellow, it feels free and happy.
My being, I as awareness has taken over my life and now the mind, the body is in service…
Awareness lives through me, and I just follow each moment…again and again…
Thinking is there…
thoughts come and go…
feelings come and go…
when I feel sadness I know I just had a thought that isn’t true, I don’t hold on to it anymore.
I let it pass as clouds in a sky…I know it is not me, I stay in peace and see my mind doing its thing still…
But it’s just a thing…it is NO-THING!
Sometimes it still takes 5 minutes…
the mind that THINKS it is winning time…
LOL….

Feels my fear is gone too…
before I would have been in panic in the situation am in. Now I am not.

After being sick for about 5 months and figuring out that the possibility of mold intoxication from inhaling that stuff in my bedroom is kind of the cause…

Of course I know in the first place that there is always a spiritual cause…
everything is always there to bring us back to awareness…

That’s the first step I always take…I see where my beliefs have brought me to intoxicate myself…J
Once I see that, then the outer world shows up to be cleaned up…

Anyway I am sitting here, with boxes packed all over the floor…
My futon in the middle of the living room because I don’t feel it is good for me to sleep in my bed anymore…
Only eating vegetables…which gets boring… however I never tasted all this vegetables so intensely as now…so maybe it is not so boring at all…J
still trying to beat the toxins in my body…J
Not knowing where I am going next…J
In fact no knowing what I do in the next hour…
Never had so less money than I ever had in my life…

and for the first time in my life I feel safe, because I KNOW I am being lived.
And what is mine, is with me…what is not mine I parentally not here, because I don’t need it.

It is called trust…

Am I there all the time? Hmmm…mostly though…

I kind of find it delicious and exciting to live this way…I am way out of my box and I feel so spacious…
So strong and solid…

It is strange…my mind would have thought that security could only been found when you had a roof over your head and money in your account…and when I had all of that I was always worried and scared…
So that is NOT true,
because now I experience that it is not true…

I feel safer now than when I had money…isn’t that weird?
and I am open to feel unsafe and scared, but it doesn’t find me anymore, because I am not often anymore on the level of thinking from the persons’ place…
I think now with my heart and my being…

Just wanted to share this…

The painting kind of feels the safety I found in being nothing…and everything…
I guess I have accepted on a very deep level that everything comes and goes, except of one thing…
and that is who I really am…
PURE AWARENESS…

 

Thank you mamaji!

Thank you Moojiji.

Love . rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com