My birthday, the 'turd' of December

Being back from being away…this is a Belgian expression we use a lot when somebody shows up again…
Hmmm, well…I don’t know if it is me who’s back…and if the one that left you will ever come back, really.
Don’t be grieving or sad for me, the death of this old me was necessary for the NEW me to rise.
I feel very uncomfortable still…my body, yes…isn’t the same yet, but is responding well on the antibiotics that I tried to avoid for one whole month. (thank you antibiotics!)
I thought I won the one month of struggle with a kidney infection, blood in my urine and an ear infection, but the day after my birthday it was as if I collapsed.
It felt as if I was fighting with a monster that has those long arms…kind of an octopus beast…

And each time I was cutting of an arm and I would turn my back and it was over, another arm would grab me and drag me down, with an ear infection and then the ultimate UTI.
I gave up fighting some days ago and drove to the emergency because I couldn’t bear the pain anymore.

What I was really giving up was my over exercising. I couldn’t heal really. I had dropped the running, but I was still using all my energy in swimming. For some reason I had made up the thought that swimming is less intense…Addicts always use some great reason that doesn’t make any sense in order not to stop what destroys them…J yep, I know all about it! J

Now afterwards I think sometimes, I should have maybe wait two more days to go to the emergency…
Thinking I should have done this or that…But deep inside I know I had to make this crazy step to emergency. It was a step into SELF LOVE…and it was an emergency to start DOING that…BEING that…

As a person and my background it is crazy to go to emergency for those kind of things, because
in Belgium you only go to emergency if your head falls of or you are losing a leg.
Doctors visit to your home when you are ill. Nobody refuses you, because everybody has insurance…Yeah, but I am not in Belgium…J This is one of the things I miss about it…J
and the chocolate of course, and the Belgian fries, and beer…and…mmmm…

Anyway…during this last month mama-P. taught me how I could take care of my body. 
She showed and explained me how I override my body for so long.
Words as RELAX, sleep, peace, REST,…was not in my vocabulary…

I had a ‘idiebidie’ of compulsive behavior going on…J
Hmmm….
I am so grateful I had this sickness…it taught me the most amazing lessons ever, and it is not over yet.
I know that.

When I was fighting and resisting this disease, I was learning about energy intake and outgoing energy. Somehow I had mixed up the whole thing and thought that 5 or 6 hours exercise a day wasn’t enough.
Anyway I can see now that walking to the door takes energy and even sitting and driving in my car takes a lot.
What a revelation…ok not for you guys, but it did for me…
And so when a guy shouted and yelled at me at the parking lot of a market some days ago;”Retarded!”
(while he was almost driving over me…J)
I wasn’t angry. I could see that he was only saying what he was…J haha
BUT… I could really see that he was RIGHT!... I was really retarded in this area in my life.
I didn’t know how to love myself…J
I didn’t know how to let my body REST…

Anyway…this is a small piece of what I learned this last month.
The awareness in me is going so deep these last days that it would be not right to write it here in one , two , three…I have to absorb it first and then I can share…

I do want to share now that between the episodes of the fight with the huge sea creature with all its tentacles, in the dark purple mountains of the valley of Death; I was granted a REST period, so sweet and lovely….
It was as if I entered awareness itself for 3 magical days with my most beloved creatures on earth…
The gently arms of God embraced me the day before my birthday in the form of dolphins.
I had wished 3 things for the ‘turd’ of December.
(Parentally that’s how I pronounce 3th with my beautiful accent; it is for a good cause I have that accent. I make people laugh…)

I wished for Dolphins, Mama-P and turtles!

I also said it didn’t have to be all the same day….I knew God doesn’t have sense of time, neither dolphins nor turtles and especially not Mama-P.! LOL

God heard me when I asked for dolphins…and OOOh they came and they have given me the most amazing birthday I will never forget EVER… I love my little pod and I really start suspecting they love me too…J

And my dream came true on the ‘turd’, woooow!!!!
The day itself Mama-P. invited me to go to the movies and to dinner. Woeha!
Days before I was already excited like a little child…I was counting the nights I still had to sleep, before… J

In the morning of the ‘turd’ of December, my birthday, I swam and it was gorgeous and I was thinking…because mama-P had asked me where I wanted to eat…where I wanted to go and I had only two wishes: that it was outside and quiet…
Woehoe we ended up at whole foods overlooking Iao valley, outside on the ‘terras’ (Belgian for outside dining)in the warm breeze of Maui. And it was silent and peaceful…J
I love it when the plan comes together (BA baracus,…LOL)

But when I was swimming in the morning I had another thought too…
I had an old necklace in my car, you know the ones with the bones, the really cool ones…
and I was missing the cord of it…and I thought, waaw now I will be able to wear that again, because I am free now. I am free of running and over exercising (that was the reason I wasn’t wearing it)
I did had the thought, mmm…it is a little childish this one, I am so much more grown up now…start laughing already this is hilarious…me growing up…J)

Was I surprised!!!!!!

When Mama-P. digged a present out of her purse and handed it to me with the words;”I don’t expect you to wear it.” I was already overwhelmed with all the loving attention, now I had to open a  present on top of that…I did most likely with red cheeks…

My surprise was even bigger when I saw a beautiful spiral bone necklace laying in my hand…
didn’t I just said this morning I was ready?
And this one was mature, really….
(you can’t get what am saying, but trust me..)
Ever since that day, the necklace is locked on my neck….I swim with it, sleep with it, shower with it, love with it,….

This is what the symbolic meaning is in Hawaiian of this spiral…that comes from the Polynesian culture.

Koru's spiral form simulates perpetual movement. The inner curl resembles going back to the origin. The koru therefore resembles the concept of ever changing life and also staying the same.

Because of their symbolism koru necklaces are often given as a present during mile-stone occasions. The symbol matches perfectly with taking a new step in life such as someone going to live on him- or herself, marriages, or getting a (first) child. The koru symbolizes the strength of the bond between people.

 

Right on! Mama-P. what a connection…what a gift, and what let’s my heart sing is how we are in tune with each other. I adore her! She is my Mama from the IAM.

I am ready and there she is…

I heard today Mooji saying today…if a student is ready and takes two steps to his teacher, the teacher takes 4 steps back to the student… J

My birthday was the max…I wasn’t so sick…it was as if I was stranded in Riverdale (Lord of the rings) and was resting and enjoying the movie ‘A life of Pi’ with my beloved mama-ji (as I call her now lately)

I just love to be with mama-P., she is the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I don’t care what people think of me when I say that, because it is the truth.
She wrote me a birthday card and I read it every day…
One of the things she said was that she was proud of her daughter…that makes me so happy…J

I probably smile from one ear to the other when I read it over and over again…J
not probably…

I AM!!!

So, I had asked 3 things right for my birthday…dolphins, Mama-p. and turtles. And God had granded me two beloveds already. I was happy….
But you know turtles are slower and it was the day after my birthday that MISS PINKY showed up (see other blogs about Pinky) we had the most amazing dance together and I just am so in love with life!!!
What a creation this all is!

I came to see that my sickness was the greatest gift ever. In the place where my body is, I am presence and I feel the awareness where my whole world arises.

I see that the resonance of dolphins, turtles, Mama-P, friends, Maui,…are very high vibrations…
I see that the resonance I put out with my thoughts bring me what I ask for…

I smile…just because life is here to be lived…our bodies are not here to be used in vanity…
our bodies are here to support us to know before this body dies, who we really are…
And that is that we are ‘IAM’ , awareness….
Life and death in the same moment…
ALIVENESS…

 

I smile…
The spiral smiles with me…
and I kiss it…
I kiss my teacher, my mamaji, Mama-P. and thank her for being in my life in such a way…
she teaches me to BE awareness, the greatest gift you can ever receive..
It is who I AM…

I am so blessed and grateful…I am in love…J

With her…
and she is me…
with me…

GOD…awareness…

 

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com