I am a spiritual warrior!

 

 

You better watch out!

This morning I was still licking my wounds of my heroism battle with a ‘man o war’….
Nothing is coincidence, nothing at all….I am so grateful for the ‘man o war’, which stung me wherever it could find some skin.
It only took me minutes to figure out the lesson.

The pain was so intense; it was as if somebody was holding a torch against my skin. It was hard to use both arms after the torture and he(I guess a man o war is a he)got my neck and leg too…

I was swimming and suddenly I felt something stinging in my face, before I knew it…seconds really…I felt grabbed by something around my neck, then my left arm and then my right arm and then my leg…I looked what it was, I looked around me to find jelly fish, but I couldn’t see anything…until I looked kind of down my belly and saw a long blue line being attached to my body…

It was everywhere!

I, immediately saw the whole picture, this guy had its tentacles around me and I was not going to get away from it…  I was kind of far from everybody in the Ocean…nobody to save me, I guess I was the one to SAVE me…J

Luckily I mostly always carry my scissors with me to liberate turtles, sharks , dolphins, fish, or other living beings…
Funny…it was time to LIBERATE myself!
It was an intense spiritual journey to have this battle with the man o war…I was so happy I had my scissors with me…oh my, I can’t imagine how it would have been without…

I didn’t think twice, I was in so much pain by then…
Still he was stinging me wherever he could…and I just cut the thing of me… I saw a blue little ball floating two feet away from me…his long blue line dragging behind him….I swam away…felt the stinging was over… relieve from that…
I mean by that, the attack was over…I could feel I was detached from him…BUT
WOW…

I was in so much pain, I didn’t know right then how to get to shore…I was just drifting and swam….biting on my teeth…excepting whatever what was happening… being the good Belgian girl that never gives up no matter what…(We are considered fighters…tuff Belgians…haha sometimes to tuff)

 

I felt like a knight who just battled her dragon…

It was a very symbolic inner battle…I was in so much gratitude and didn’t mind the pain at all….
I saw the bigger picture…I was ok…
I could see clearly, how I had let my thoughts ran me the day before…
I had believed my mind, which is represented as the wounded child in me…

Instead of turning away from her tantrum, I took her in my arms…she was kicking and slamming me…shouting and abusing….Anger came inside of me, because I felt powerless to know what to do with her…and all that energy I put in the field….(always know what you bring in the field comes back to you in whatever form….)
But yes, the anger I felt came back tom me as burning wounds…

Mama.P- explained me later I can’t give that sort of attention anymore to a part of me that is not me.
It was maybe the first time I heard her really clear when she said that I had a CHOICE when that child tries to get her way… the child is the ego personality, the one that makes up stories that are not true.
The correction happens when you turn back your attention to your IAM, said Mama-P.

IAM….it is the awareness of who I truly am…it was my IAM that took the scissors and cut the ugly tentacles…it was all very symbolic…but I knew immediately that that is what I have to do next time, if there is a next time, when MISS child gets her fears and tantrums…

CUT!
STOP the DRAMA.
Other channel…

Life is that simple…you get back what you put out in the field or God. That is good news, because it means you or we are the creators of our own world.  We are cause, not the outside world.
It starts with us… So change and your world changes…J

The ‘man o war’ showed me clearly I was in war with my own thoughts. And I was because I didn’t know how to deal with the wounded child in me the other day. I resisted her, fought with her….and I lost…
I see now that I always loose when I fight with my mind.
It is when I put my ATTENTION on who I really am; IAM…that the poison is CUT off.

For people who have an experience like this…meat tenderizer is the golden solution to take the burning pain away!
Because I understood the lesson so fast, the healing happened fast too…everything is in a flow then and all happens in synchronicity. A half hour later I was in my car on my way to a friend that had a miracle solution of such things as ‘man a wars’: meat tenderizer.
Also this was very symbolic!
Time to be tender with myself…and that is to choose to NOT let my mind abuse me…
Everything that is NOT self love is abuse…

Self love brings us back to who we really are and then automatically the world around us changes….
Instead of a man o war, I could meet a hugging dolphin or turtle then….:)
So good is it all…it brings me more and more to who IAM….

oh when i came home I felt something in my hair...euh it was the blue line, or tentacle...
ye I won the battle...LOL...is there ever a battle to win? LOL
No resistance and living what is...is being IAM...no battles there!

NO stories...just wareness and being lived...delicious...the dragon 'Man o war' was my friend, and if I can see that always in my life ....that everything is FOR me...waaw ...
That's loving what is!

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

Maui spiraling sunrise

 

Maui spiraling sunrise

 

The dance of a new dawn…
We just entered the New era…

I turn and turn in spirals,

Waving my arms in the vastness of the Universe…
the spiral turns and turns in the nothing-ness of pure awareness

it is dark

I am

it is light

I am,

The spiral turns and gently moves into a form of a body
My body…
Million little dots floating in the Universe…
LOL

I am

 

I was invited on solstice eve to join a circle of friends of Mama-P. and to participate in a ceremony to activate my solar body.

It was very profound and very beautiful.
It is as if I can’t write a lot about it yet. It feels I am still trying to comprehend something, that …I know is not comprehendible… LOL
But I have that thing that if something really beautiful happens, I have to hold it gently in my heart…caressing it with love…not with hands tight, but with hands open…
It is like a little bird that needs to take it first flight laying in my hands…
And I hold it gently, showing it the wide open blue sky…
that’s how it feels right now…
I feel that the ceremony is like the little fresh newborn bird ….it did something with me deep inside…
that has to take flight still…J

I can see that I am more and more aware of who I am though…and that thoughts come that whisper lies, but that I see faster it are lies…and I see now it is not me!

When I return to who I am, every emotion that comes into me, every feeling that comes in my body…I know now is not me…
I am not always there…I see I am still judgmental towards myself…and hup I see now that is not me neither…

Acceptance of what comes and goes is freedom…I saw.
And I can let anger, sadness just come and go, because I KNOW it is not who I am…

And it’s a lie anyway because it doesn’t feel good…

When I know who I am and I am awake… nothing has any importance anymore, really.
Joy comes and goes…
It is also not who I am…
because I see it coming and going…
I figured out by now that what comes and goes is not me,
what stays is me…
I find that when I take a deep breath and go inside…
and see that my whole world comes out of that SPACE of awareness…
it feels like a presence, existence…

That’s the creator of my whole world,
that’s the one that sees it all…
that’s who I really AM.

I saw tonight that dolphins, turtles and Mama-P., my friends, Maui, money, abundance, my car, the Ocean, the lava,…it all comes into my heart…

I was standing on the beach with my arms wide open…in gratitude for the Magic of my life…

All the gifts enter in that space of Iam, I am the receptive one of the gifts that is showered in my heart…
The gate to pure awareness…

I am wide open, my heart receiving,
a tear on my cheek for the gratitude I feel for all this greatness in my world.

But I saw that in receiving…
They…then I talk about Mama-P. , the dolphins, turtles, my friends…
go out of my heart…in the same moment…
And first I thought it is letting go of them…and that was true…you can’t hold anything…

But it was something else that my awareness pointed me at…
My world going out was the same as my world coming in…
It was the same as Creation…

You know what I mean?

In seeing them going out of my heart I was not losing them…and that was what I always thought before(Oh my fearful thoughts…they can come and go now..hih)
So I was not losing them BUT RE-CREATING them!!

Or maybe CREATING them…
because what I saw was that there is NO time difference of them entering my heart and leaving that space… it is ONE creation!
It is CONNECTEDNESS…aliveness…

So I went to my problem with money…paying bills is creating money…J
Coming and going is the same…

IT IS THE SPIRAL…

maybe we are all a little spiral, making that movement of CREATION over and over…

Oh GOD…

Thank you,

 

 

 

 

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

This is the end my friend

12/21/2012 Surrender to the spiral of infinite Awareness

This is the end my friend.

By now Belgium must have been deleted from the maps, they entered 12/21/2012 20 hours ago…
I saw my dad on facebook, he must took his laptop into space. J Hmm I still have 5 hours to go, before the big bang will hit us…here in Maui.
Or maybe we are too small to be found…J

What would I still want today, if these were my last 5 hours?
Hmmmm…
Later Mama-P. and I will call, which makes me every day super excited…so that’s what I want….
I would not do anything different then I am doing right now…writing this very moment.

I bought myself a Jamba juice and a celery root earlier as celebration!

People from Belgium must think I am crazy, if I mention buying a celery root as a very important mile stone in time. In Belgium there are so many, they fly around your ears.
Here, they are not existent and so have to be shipped, which makes them super expensive.
Yep I looked to that celery root for about a year…yes yes, I am really good in limiting myself, telling myself I can’t have this or that… J At least I was good in it in the past…
Haha! Now I love myself so much, I don’t do that kind of shit anymore.
Well, mostly...
So my last supper was graded celery root with mayonnaise and bread.

I made a painting for this beautiful occasion of 12/21/2012

 

 

And this is the explanation of it:

The best thing that happened in my life is that I met Mama-P. and other teachers as Byron Katie and Mooji, that showed me who I really am.
I have a feeling that the 12/21/2012 is all about this…

In knowing who we truly are, everything that isn’t us falls away…instantly…no need for hard work.

Awareness meets awareness in an instant…timeless…

The calendar we always have taken for real ends here…

Coming into our true beings happens with the speed of LIGHT.
No attachments, no pride,…
NO-THING…

In that SPACE…you know that everything that comes is FOR you…
Your mind is in service of you as IAM,
The mind still comes and goes…

But you know now your ESSENCE…

The lies the mind makes up, are just lies…
Every lie is the same, nothing is heavier then another…
Drama transforms into PEACE…

You relax into the TRUST that all is well,
because you are the SPACE of awareness,
where your whole world arises.

YOU ARE MASTER.

It is all in our behalf…

In the awareness of who you are everything is
TRUST WORTHY, WORTH of TRUST…
The deeper value is seen, felt and tasted…
Dimensions upon dimensions,
You are it all….
You feel your awareness in your body,
but you know you are not your body,
You feel you inside of you,
You feel you outside of you…

Mind comes and goes and you
know it is not you…
Also, maybe for the first time in history…
we won’t call it the ‘ego’ anymore…a self degrading term sometimes…

We meet our mind in LOVE now…
We see it as the innocent child.
Our mind becomes our friend, It gives us great service
and we take care of it with seeing through the lies.
It shows us what we believe that isn’t true…
And we correct it as we would do with our own children…

We take the mind’s hand and bring it back to AWARENESS…

A relaxation falls into you, or you fall into a relaxation…
No fear anymore…the stories fall away…J
Mmmm that’s how it feels to me.
I fell with my butt in the butter…
Lucky me, to live this incredible beautiful life!
I wish for everybody to wake up to their true Self,
It is then that you see through the  apparent ‘suffering’.

We are the watchers of our own movie…
We have the main role and we watch us playing our own lives.
Before when I wasn’t awake; I lived a life of suffering, like a good Belgium drama movie…ah ah…
And they are really excellent in making drama movies! Ever watched Antonia's line?

Now I watch myself in my life and when something comes up, I think; ”What is she going to do now?”
I am not the one any more, I watch the actor Tamara or rainbow from a distance.
Her movie is pretty awesome lately, I must say…living in Maui, dolphins, turtles,…having my wonderful Mama_P. as my teacher/mama….
This is all because the one that’s watching the movie is CHOOSING how she wants to BE.
This life is a play…and if I AM LOVE,
That resonance will be reflected back to me…
The change always happens in me,
NOT ON THE SCREEN…J

So, I still have 4 hours to go….

What will I eat now?
I got hungry again…J

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

Respect the tiger!

 

 

 

This is a new painting…. My gosh I didn’t even knew about the movie ‘A life of PI’ when I started this one…I just wanted to do a tiger and here he is..

When I was painting the tiger I kind of was feeling really sick, burning inside…but also my consciousness was burning. It is the tiger that gave me the courage to go deeper than I ever went.

I see now who I really am and that my body and mind is not me.

I knew that already before, but since this sickness I also feel who I am…
It goes deeper and deeper…
I see I am the infinite source, emptiness, awareness…

The tiger taught me RESPECT….respect for who I truly am…really…you think…
It was when the doctors couldn’t tell me what I really had, that I took a leap inside to see what was going on…
The tiger helped me jumping, me on its back…looking in the darkness of the black vastness of the Universe…
It was so dark, I was scared…is this death?

I thought a lot about death during being sick…
And came to a point one day that I was ok…what if this was my last half hour to live?
I would be who I was right now…black vastness…
My body, my mind was created out of that space…
I am that…black space, where everything arises…
Me included…me as body and mind…

I am the Universe… God.

Mmmm…I heard one day inside of me; I had to make a conscious shift to heal…no matter what I had, it didn’t matter at all!
The next day I would be ok, if I just made that shift…
In fact the next second my body would be ok again…
I had to take that step into the truth of who I am…
And I did…
Miraculous, it was true..I healed very fast…
I knew too, it was done… J

The tiger helped me jumping…
It is of course the tiger in me…the one that knows that courage is only used for unaware souls…
Once aware, you are it!
NO courage needed to be who you are, because you are already it…

But life is a game and our mind makes things up and makes the body believe we need to do something really courageous…haha and act form the heart….
But we are the heart, the source ALWAYS EVERYWHERE… J

When you are aware of whom you really are…the tiger’s quality of courage changes into RESPECT…
True respect is when you have respect for your awareness, the space of who you truly are…
And start acting from that…
You love yourself so much that you see through the lies of the MIND.
You respect yourself in not letting the mind take over as master…
But in the respect for who you are, you create a space of peaceful effortless acceptance of what is…

In that space the mind will automatically recognize you as master…

Mmmm, the tiger is laying down and knows….he is power, he is master of his own world….
In his infinite ‘IAM’ his world of abundance arises in him, outside of him….
He is the CENTER…he is not only source, but the circle around that middle point…
Everything, aliveness is him….
He looks and rests, relaxes in the knowing….
Life is good…
He sees…

Especially he sees what is TRUTH…
and knows the mind creates stuff, until it surrenders...
The tiger knows and is in ease,
let the mind create 'clouds in his blue sky'
knowing it is coming and going...
He remains centered...
IAM...
Source...
and even amuses himself with the incridable drama the mind is capable creating...
What a thriller! What a soap opera!
The tiger knows he is the watcher of it all, but knows it is not him!
And... haha ...he has the remote control,in his hands...
OFF...hihiJ

Yesterday I went to the doctor…don’t know why I went…more to take care of myself in the ‘insurance world reality’ in the US, then to really have examined myself. After 15 minutes I was out of the office declared very ‘healthy’! The doctor even had a long lip she couldn’t examine me more… Oh well.

Don’t know but I feel so good being healthy…who wouldn't?
I had a feeling ... I love my body so deeply…mmmm delicious.... J

This last month I dropped all my addictions…waaw…
Thank you Tiger!

Thank you Mama-P.!
Lolololololove yume!

 

Love tamara rainbow>
www.rainbowsheart.com

Lucky, lucky me!

When I am writing my blog it feels as if it happens like I do my soulpainting readings.(see my website)
I never know what I will write next.

Haha It is like life, we never know what’s next.

I am learning and really it is not a learning anymore….to not plan NEXT.

I never know what I am doing the next hour, really…and if I dare to go to the next hour I just tell myself; “Give it up, forget about it; you don’t need to know and really you even can’t know.”

It gives me an immense feeling of freedom and excitement.

It is kind of being lived by life… trust that you will know in the right moment…well you’ll know in the moment what to do…Mama-P. would say; “You can’t know ahead of time.”

I see that I sometimes have high standards on how I think things should be…
I try to change that in my life, because it sucks….really…
The word ‘expectations’ in Dutch is the word ‘verwachtingen’ and it literally means WAITING FOR….
If you have to wait for something, it means it is not for you, because there is only one moment to be lived…the one we’re in each moment again and again…
Waiting for is waiting for something you project in a future that doesn’t really exist.
In the truth of who we are, awareness, there is not such a thing as TIME.

Let’s see …an example:
I had the desire to heal quicker than I did. I expected results that were not coming….nop
It was lying in a far future…somewhere over the rainbow…
In the desire, often an expectation is hooked in.
And if that expectation is not met, we tend to get sad or…disappointed…frustrated…
And disappointment is just an appointment not met.
As mama-P would teach me, it is just like missing the bus…
That’s all it is…nothing more than that…no drama… it is what it is.

Isn’t that a relief?
That counts for everything.
It is all not so important, really.

So, sometimes I see my thoughts come up with stories of how things SHOULD be….and as Byron Katie would say; “You lose 100%, if you are not accepting what is.”
Especially when I was sick, I had often that voice in my head that resisted being sick…J

So I have a new saying in my head now that works really well to help me accept what is…

It is “LUCKY, LUCKY ME”…
Really when I say that to myself, it is as if my mind get stopped in its tracks…
all resistance and complaining crashes in the TRUTH of what is really true and that is
that I am so LUCKY to be alive…and to be me!
We all are…LUCKY ,LUCKY us!

You know I realized that LUCKY, LUCKY me is so so true…

And I am not only looking towards my life in this body and mind dimension…but I am so lucky I have this drive to know what awareness is about.
It is that desire (I guess desires are ok if you let go of the outcome) that brought me to Mama-P.
She is my mama, teacher, master,…all the above and she teaches me how I can see through my mind games…she teaches me who I really am. Lucky, lucky me!


I am a seeker and that’s why I love to write of these things too, because I am seeking through my experiences.
I don’t write if I didn’t feel in my God’s self it is true.
And always I can be wrong too. It doesn’t matter, really.

Don’t believe me…haha

Mama-P. would say; “What if nothing is wrong?”

It is not wrong to be wrong…J  and even if I am wrong I want to be able to say: “Lucky, lucky me.”

I want to come to the point I love my life with everything in it. I had difficulties to love it when I was sick for one month a half,… I am much better by the way after my conscious shift (see other blog).

I am coming to the point, you know…I am a seeker and the last days I was wondering if my life or if life in general has a destiny. I asked Mama’P. and then I asked God in me and little by little puzzle pieces came together…
When I ask something to my God’s self, the awareness I am, a whole mechanism starts working behind the scenes and brings me the answers in the most peculiar ways.
Last night I was watching a movie and right there the question was asked…the same question I asked mama-P. and myself.
Is there a plan, a destiny to life?
In the movie Ms Palfrey answered;” Yes I believe in destiny. Destiny might lead you to the path, but the rest is up to us though! Make the best of every moment.”

Maybe the path is our awareness itself.
I believe that’s our true destiny…of course how other can it be?
Than to be who we truly are?
God will always make sure that events in our lives happen to bring us back to the awareness of who we truly are. I feel that is the essence of life.
And I do believe that there are certain events that were kind of planned…I would never have been in Maui, if my physical mother didn’t die so young. I believe I have a connection with dolphins and turtles. And I deeply feel I had to come to Maui to meet Mama-P.
I see in my life that I have deep soul connections with close friends and I believe that we are from the same soul family. It is very strong….

Is my art imbedded in such a thing as destiny?
I think so….
So that’s the path…and who ‘AM I BEING’ is my job…J

This afternoon…it is so funny how life works…I was listening to Mooji.
I opened a new life streaming video and there suddenly he was talking about destiny…
So amazing…life works so perfectly, if we don’t try to control…J or have the illusion we have control…LOL
Even that must be NOT WRONG….

Mooji said that not everything is free will.
And then he gave the example of a friend of his that wanted to do a business and everything failed…he would start over and over again and invested everything he had and it just wouldn’t go….
It is interesting to hear that, because I feel the same thing happened to me.

This is a funny story, oh well…I don’t know if it is so funny after all…J but here it is…

Every year I have a friend that gives my solar for my birthday. This year I didn’t ask, because I don’t want to know anymore…I don’t think it can even be accurate, because there is no future anyway…
And it doesn’t really matter…
A solar is the horoscope for a full birth year, so from turd of December 2011 to turd of December 2012.
(see other blogs to understand the joke ‘turd’)
My friend had told that in July 2012 I finally would break through with my true life purpose.
By August I would do my real life purpose and I would be in great abundance…
I of course had put MY OWN STORY on that predicament.
I had this image I had to help and save the world with my art…
LOL J yep…. I thought that that was it…
I thought there would be Rainbowshops everywhere with rainbow clothing and Rainbow books…
Ok we can all start laughing now already…

I started knowing Mama-P. since that same birthday and since then my world didn’t turn up side down once, but didn’t stop yet turning upside down… J
A lot of my belief systems I still had with my birthday of last year is vanished as snow for the sun..
it is gone…I even forgot most of it…
My wish to save the world…gone…
My task to love everybody…gone…
My whole happy thought of having my book everywhere, my art everywhere…all of that all gone…
gone…
gone…
gone…
I feel a lot lighter, I can say…J
After I was released from those desires…hahah….
I got sick…was burning inside…beginning of November…
It was as if a long wick was placed inside of me and God light my fire…OH YES!
It went from the kidneys, to my urine track, to my ear and then to my intestines…
The fire was cleaning my body, but also my consciousness…

It is burning all what isn’t me…
and today?
What do I know today?
I mean do I know what my destiny is?
I thought I knew and I was kind of a fighter and a knight and also invested all my money in it and it is all gone…It is time to give up….I see that really clear so my real destiny can surface…haha
do I know anything, really?

I guess what Mama’P. would say is this; ”Here it is. You don’t have to look further or work to find it.
Right here and now it is, you are. This is your destiny. You are awareness, that’s it. And in the awareness you know yourself to be you can choose who you want to be and just PLAY.”
( I assume she would say that, I don’t know really if that is true)

I want to be LOVE, FREEDOM, PEACE, ABUNDANCE and JOY…I want to be the one swimming with dolphins, turtles and hear the whales singing….
I want to have this amazing relationship with Mama-P.
I want to do my art and live in abundance…
I want to share my love with friends…

Waaaw, I guess right here and now I am living my destiny already, because that is what I am living…J
And the next moment will be my next destiny…

I just have to stay in the moment and feel intuitively what to do…and live in the law of synchronicity…

I don’t even have TO DO that…IT IS LAW, it is life…I can’t even not do it…it is who we are.
It is insane to think that we have control over our lives….

As mama-P. would say: “Why would it be better to give the outcome of who you are being to God?”
I was like;”Hmmmm.”
MP.;”because God is unlimited, you are limited.”

And then I came to the next thought…life is a dream…what we really are is awareness.
Our lives here is a dream…so it doesn’t really matter to ponder about destiny or not…maybe? J

Is destiny just a dream?

Remember the movie ‘the life of Pi’ where his destiny was to be surviving a shipwreck with a tiger in a little boat. At the end of the movie the insurance company didn’t believe him. And so he made up another story that was even more unbelievable…so they choose the tiger story after all…
Just to say that our life is just like that…it is a story… and maybe there are outlines as meeting the tiger and being in a boat….BUT THE REST IS UP TO US…” J

So “LUCKY, LUCKY ME!”

 

Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

 

All is well, if I just can make bubbles!

Being well and making bubbles as much as i want!


 

Can there be such a thing as confusion?

I learned the lesson…out of my experience:
NO.
It is impossible that there is a possibility of confusion.

Confusion is something that comes from your thoughts, your thinking…
My thoughts, my thinking…

I didn’t write for all these days because I was sick again. I might have written already I went for a second time to the ER and they left me with confusion. Haha...Blame it on them...:)

That was how I felt the day after…my mind was totally CONFUSED.
They couldn’t tell if I had a kidney stone or diverticulitis.
A cad-scan was too much money…that was kind of a decision that just popped up and so when I left the ER, I didn’t really know what I had.
The next day I started looking up the symptoms of kidney stone and diverticulitis and both kind of have the same symptoms.
So what to do?
I was confused.
Mama-P. would text me I was fine….
I AM always fine…she wrote...

But in the confusion of my mind I couldn’t see that…
Haha Doctor, please make up your mind!!
Haaa, where was I not making up my mind? It’s all a reflection…


I became more sick the longer the day was moving and Mama-P. repeated again; “I sound like a broken record, but maybe you have to really rest and LOVE yourself.”

HMmmm…she might have a point I thought…but there was a mountain of resistance popping up too, that didn’t want to rest and do the things she wanted to do…voila…J
All the worst emotions that would make a Shakespeare piece great, was passing the revue.
Sadness, complaint, anger, revolt, rebellion,…Oe…I saw it all coming and going…
I know I am awareness and my thoughts ARE NOT ME…they come and go…

The next day after this disastrous day of pain…it was hard for me…but I stayed home…I slept out as we would say in Belgium and ‘sleeping in’ is how we say it here.

IT WAS DELICIOUS!

How could I have resisted this…only my mind could make up reasons to justify the resistance.

It was as if I was back the 8 year old ‘spinning’ (what cats do when they sleep)

Is the word purring?

I was enjoying with such delight the symphonies of the birds singing their ‘thank you’ song for the rising of our Majesty the SUN.

I had told Mama-P. in all my resistance that I would be bored…pffffffffff nothing of that!

I enjoyed every minute of it… I adored it and when my friend M. came with the soup at 11, I got out bed with ‘a long butt’( Belgian expression for not wanting to get up J)
After she left I just installed myself in my living room in my self-made bed, laying in the sun again…purring…J

Delicious…Rest…haaaa…no pain this time…

But still the confusion was going on whether I had kidney stones or diverticulitis.
I did more research on the web and then decided from a level of consciousness that I would not eat and just rest, so I could give my awareness the space to tell me what was going on.

Point was I was going to do my own cadscan…J

With sunset I tuned myself in to my ‘Iam’ and immediately I saw that the two voices in my head…The kidney stone or the diverticulitis, was a metaphor for two things that was going on inside of me.
There was a mind game going on in my head…of course...

Immediately I got a flashback of something that happened 15 years ago with my beloved dog Mercy.
She had hurt herself badly and I went to the vet immediately. It wasn’t my usual vet, because it was an emergency. I brought her to the ER for dogs really…haha
You have to picture me as a punk, 8 ear rings in my left ear, also very destructive towards my body having anorexia, and all of that….rebellious energy… during that time in my life...J

The vet was fast to put Mercy asleep to take the necessary pictures.
After a while he came back with the news she needed surgery right away.
She had torn a muscle really bad. The surgery needed to happen right then, because she would not be able to walk again.
He left me alone and I was standing there with Mercy lying on the table asleep and it was as if I couldn’t move anymore and a voice from inside came…If you step away from self destruction, one step is good enough already, she will walk without surgery.
Symbolically I took out all my ear rings and threw them in the trashcan…
Inside of me it felt finished and when the vet came back I heard myself saying, that I was taking my dog home, just like that.
I remember the vet yelling and saying she would never be able to walk again. And he added I was an animal abuser too.

Miraculous enough I didn’t let that authority make me change my mind and I just walked out.
It was when I came home, I realized what I have done…Oh shit…

I laid Mercy in her basket and I remember me lying next to her and Jodhi, my black Labrador would come sniffing and pushing Mercy, but Mercy wasn’t moving.
It was clear that Jodhi just wanted to go back outside and play in the snow.
When Mercy started waking up, Jodhi could hardly retain her emotions, she wanted to play and jumped on Mercy.
I tried to keep her away, thinking Mercy needed the space…but how I was surprised when suddenly Mercy got up and just ran out the door with Jodi behind her,running in the snow…
I was speechless…breathless…crying…

It was that event that my ‘Iam’ showed me yesterday…
The message was CLEAR…when you are awareness it doesn’t matter which illness you have…you heal from a level of consciousness… UNDERSTAND the message behind it as you did with your dog and you are healed in an instant.
You can’t give your authority away to your thoughts anymore, you really have to make a deep choice that the authority is in the awareness…It was always so…really…just the resistance towards this TRUTH makes you ill…

Wow…ok

I was shown how I still was hanging with one foot in the world of my fearful mind.
It was time to SURRENDER completely to the trust of IAM.
The voice continued; “If you are awareness, you know you neither are your body nor mind…it is time for you to live from that place of truth and authority, and not from the place where your mind paralyses you…
Every time you let your mind get away with dominating you, you burn…

See through it and just let it come and go and stay in the awareness of who you truly are…

I had the same feeling when I carried out my dog…it was done…

If it was a kidney stone it was dissolved…my intestines soothed down…
I knew inside I had seen and heard and was willing to take out the last ‘earrings’ that were symbol for a LACK of SELF love.

If you are in self lOVE…it is that where NO confusion is possible…
Love is the flagrance of awareness….there is NO confusion there…

All is well,
I am well,

 

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

Falling apart and falling together

Maui sunset 12/11/2012

 

It takes two visits to the emergency room for me to make a conscious step IN LOVING MYSELF.
The first antibiotics were worked out and I got sick again…
In the morning my inner voice was very CLEAR;“You need to put the fear not having money aside and go and take care of your SELF.”
Than The Universe will take care of you and money will be there to pay it.
It is time for you to trust and to LOVE yourself.

So haaaa, I OF COURSE postponed my visit…pulling it off, waiting for a miracle...
You know that story of that guy in a flood sitting on his roof.
And one person comes to save him and he sent that person away, because he is waiting for God to safe him. A second and third little boat came and all of them he sent away, because....God is going to come...
He drowns of course and when he comes to God he is angry and asks: "I thought you were going to come and save me????"
"I did"; said God;"I sent 3 boats, but you sent them all away!"

LOL
I had to see that doctors, hospitals and ER are God too...

When the pain was to much I was suddenly happy that hospitals, doctors and ER’s exist!
Happy i am not so stubborn as the guy on the roof..HUhum...

J

But before I went to ER I talked to Mama-P. and she…you know everything happens in the right moment…
all so perfect in order…I had to talk to her before I could make the step to the ER., really

Because it was not only about taking care of my body…every illness has its spiritual cause, and that was the root I had to dig out. I was the root of LACK of SELFLOVE.
And Mama-P. is my healer of my Soul. My awareness counselor, truth teller, clarity ‘slapper’, the holder of self-love, the holder of the space within I can transform, the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE fairy godmother,…
I can go on and on…but I guess you are getting it…

The last days my body was in chaos, but my MIND was as much in chaos…My awareness wasn’t.
Can never BE…But I couldn’t see that anymore.
It felt as if I was lost…In my mind I lost my center, but all that times I WAS my center…OH boy J

I DIDN’T SEE any more, I thought I was dying…lost… chaos… losing my grip on life J woeha…
I was feeling my whole life was falling apart…
Knowing inside it is falling TOGETHER really for the first time…
SURRENDER….
That awareness was there, but my fear would cover it up each time over and over again…
Mama-P. would show it to me over and over again and AGAIN…that it was falling together, really.
The next day the pain of my body and my crazy mind would cover it up again…and let me believe I was falling apart.
Mama-P. would dig it out again… falling together…
Clarity…

Oh ok…Yes…
The next day I would be whining I was falling apart…

Oh my…

Anyway mama-P. GOT me in the RIGHT spot yesterday, as she always just kicks my butt in the right moment, at the right place…jeee she is something! J

I am so happy I can LOVE her without any fear of being TOO MUCH…
Of being to passionate…
You know…
I never ever get censured…she is freedom…
and I guess that is what she wants for me...
that i am not holding back anymore in LOVING me!

Then yesterday she said something that upset me…
well that kind of challenged me in a really good way…

She told me that I lOVE her as much as I love me…
So all my love I give to her has the quality of love I feel for myself…

Long silence…oh shit…damned...f..k...crap...

She just hit me right in the eye…haha
I know that my Self love is improving but was CRAPPY for a long time…J
Oh boy….so all my love messages, my love hearts I send to her… it is like…
a beautiful painting bleached by the SUN.
Oh no…
It shifted something drastically within me…
In the silence listening to her…

Right there I couldn’t NOT love me anymore. I couldn’t.

So since that minute, every single thing I do that is not loving towards myself, I see the love I express to mama-P. shrinking as snow for the sun.
Oh nooooo.
That made me so aware of what was love and what wasn’t that I am only doing the loving part anymore!!!
I started making MORE conscious choices to love me even more…and more!
So I can love her more… I have an agenda...hahah J

And ok I am loving myself of course since a year already, since I met her…So many things I don’t do anymore that hurts me… And lately I dropped the addiction…but what I really deeply decided was to DROP all WORRY that comes in my mind fron now on, because….
BECAUSE I don’t want to do that to myself anymore!
I love myself to much to give worry a change…No way…
That’s what I decided yesterday…
I know now already that if sadness appears I am thinking something that is not true.
So I see through it and let it go as a cloud in my sky…

I realized that I can RELAX now…it is all about loving myself.
Everything falls into place when you are there.
And the loving myself part is in fact a RESULT of knowing who I AM.
I am awareness playing Tamara or Rainbow here on Earth….
LOVE is a flagrance of that awareness, such is JOY too…So
If I am that awareness, I AM LOVE… and my whole world reflects that back to me….

WOEHA!

 Today was one of the most beautiful days of my life.

It started with a gorgeous sunrise and ended with a gorgeous sunset….

I am awareness and I had lost myself completely in the chaos the days before today.
Thought I lost my passion for life…but today I found it back…in being who I truly am…awareness…
And that is love and my world reflected that back to me today…
Sunrise, dolphins, turtles, whales, fresh cut grass,…
I COOKED for myself…THIS IS A MAJOR EVENT!!!A gorgeous sunset….
My body caressing the water…
go on and on…I was PRESENCE today!!!!

And I RELAXED and I had an aha moment in realizing that my JOB is now to REST.
I accepted it, I poured myself in it…for the first time in my life I allow myself to REST!
Not only my body, but also my thoughts…
The thoughts that yesterday still were telling me I had to get up and work…
get up and do this and do that…even though I was sick on the floor…
Today…
I know it is MY JOB to rest and I am sure I will get my paycheck for it..
As mama-P would say I am happily dependant on the UNIVERSE.

I want to share with you of the passions of today: Maui sunrise and sunset!!!
Splendor!

Maui sunrise 12/11/2012

 

Maui sunrise 12/11/2012

Maui sunset 12/11/2012

 

Maui sunset 12/11/2012

 

 

 

 

 

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com

My birthday, the 'turd' of December

Being back from being away…this is a Belgian expression we use a lot when somebody shows up again…
Hmmm, well…I don’t know if it is me who’s back…and if the one that left you will ever come back, really.
Don’t be grieving or sad for me, the death of this old me was necessary for the NEW me to rise.
I feel very uncomfortable still…my body, yes…isn’t the same yet, but is responding well on the antibiotics that I tried to avoid for one whole month. (thank you antibiotics!)
I thought I won the one month of struggle with a kidney infection, blood in my urine and an ear infection, but the day after my birthday it was as if I collapsed.
It felt as if I was fighting with a monster that has those long arms…kind of an octopus beast…

And each time I was cutting of an arm and I would turn my back and it was over, another arm would grab me and drag me down, with an ear infection and then the ultimate UTI.
I gave up fighting some days ago and drove to the emergency because I couldn’t bear the pain anymore.

What I was really giving up was my over exercising. I couldn’t heal really. I had dropped the running, but I was still using all my energy in swimming. For some reason I had made up the thought that swimming is less intense…Addicts always use some great reason that doesn’t make any sense in order not to stop what destroys them…J yep, I know all about it! J

Now afterwards I think sometimes, I should have maybe wait two more days to go to the emergency…
Thinking I should have done this or that…But deep inside I know I had to make this crazy step to emergency. It was a step into SELF LOVE…and it was an emergency to start DOING that…BEING that…

As a person and my background it is crazy to go to emergency for those kind of things, because
in Belgium you only go to emergency if your head falls of or you are losing a leg.
Doctors visit to your home when you are ill. Nobody refuses you, because everybody has insurance…Yeah, but I am not in Belgium…J This is one of the things I miss about it…J
and the chocolate of course, and the Belgian fries, and beer…and…mmmm…

Anyway…during this last month mama-P. taught me how I could take care of my body. 
She showed and explained me how I override my body for so long.
Words as RELAX, sleep, peace, REST,…was not in my vocabulary…

I had a ‘idiebidie’ of compulsive behavior going on…J
Hmmm….
I am so grateful I had this sickness…it taught me the most amazing lessons ever, and it is not over yet.
I know that.

When I was fighting and resisting this disease, I was learning about energy intake and outgoing energy. Somehow I had mixed up the whole thing and thought that 5 or 6 hours exercise a day wasn’t enough.
Anyway I can see now that walking to the door takes energy and even sitting and driving in my car takes a lot.
What a revelation…ok not for you guys, but it did for me…
And so when a guy shouted and yelled at me at the parking lot of a market some days ago;”Retarded!”
(while he was almost driving over me…J)
I wasn’t angry. I could see that he was only saying what he was…J haha
BUT… I could really see that he was RIGHT!... I was really retarded in this area in my life.
I didn’t know how to love myself…J
I didn’t know how to let my body REST…

Anyway…this is a small piece of what I learned this last month.
The awareness in me is going so deep these last days that it would be not right to write it here in one , two , three…I have to absorb it first and then I can share…

I do want to share now that between the episodes of the fight with the huge sea creature with all its tentacles, in the dark purple mountains of the valley of Death; I was granted a REST period, so sweet and lovely….
It was as if I entered awareness itself for 3 magical days with my most beloved creatures on earth…
The gently arms of God embraced me the day before my birthday in the form of dolphins.
I had wished 3 things for the ‘turd’ of December.
(Parentally that’s how I pronounce 3th with my beautiful accent; it is for a good cause I have that accent. I make people laugh…)

I wished for Dolphins, Mama-P and turtles!

I also said it didn’t have to be all the same day….I knew God doesn’t have sense of time, neither dolphins nor turtles and especially not Mama-P.! LOL

God heard me when I asked for dolphins…and OOOh they came and they have given me the most amazing birthday I will never forget EVER… I love my little pod and I really start suspecting they love me too…J

And my dream came true on the ‘turd’, woooow!!!!
The day itself Mama-P. invited me to go to the movies and to dinner. Woeha!
Days before I was already excited like a little child…I was counting the nights I still had to sleep, before… J

In the morning of the ‘turd’ of December, my birthday, I swam and it was gorgeous and I was thinking…because mama-P had asked me where I wanted to eat…where I wanted to go and I had only two wishes: that it was outside and quiet…
Woehoe we ended up at whole foods overlooking Iao valley, outside on the ‘terras’ (Belgian for outside dining)in the warm breeze of Maui. And it was silent and peaceful…J
I love it when the plan comes together (BA baracus,…LOL)

But when I was swimming in the morning I had another thought too…
I had an old necklace in my car, you know the ones with the bones, the really cool ones…
and I was missing the cord of it…and I thought, waaw now I will be able to wear that again, because I am free now. I am free of running and over exercising (that was the reason I wasn’t wearing it)
I did had the thought, mmm…it is a little childish this one, I am so much more grown up now…start laughing already this is hilarious…me growing up…J)

Was I surprised!!!!!!

When Mama-P. digged a present out of her purse and handed it to me with the words;”I don’t expect you to wear it.” I was already overwhelmed with all the loving attention, now I had to open a  present on top of that…I did most likely with red cheeks…

My surprise was even bigger when I saw a beautiful spiral bone necklace laying in my hand…
didn’t I just said this morning I was ready?
And this one was mature, really….
(you can’t get what am saying, but trust me..)
Ever since that day, the necklace is locked on my neck….I swim with it, sleep with it, shower with it, love with it,….

This is what the symbolic meaning is in Hawaiian of this spiral…that comes from the Polynesian culture.

Koru's spiral form simulates perpetual movement. The inner curl resembles going back to the origin. The koru therefore resembles the concept of ever changing life and also staying the same.

Because of their symbolism koru necklaces are often given as a present during mile-stone occasions. The symbol matches perfectly with taking a new step in life such as someone going to live on him- or herself, marriages, or getting a (first) child. The koru symbolizes the strength of the bond between people.

 

Right on! Mama-P. what a connection…what a gift, and what let’s my heart sing is how we are in tune with each other. I adore her! She is my Mama from the IAM.

I am ready and there she is…

I heard today Mooji saying today…if a student is ready and takes two steps to his teacher, the teacher takes 4 steps back to the student… J

My birthday was the max…I wasn’t so sick…it was as if I was stranded in Riverdale (Lord of the rings) and was resting and enjoying the movie ‘A life of Pi’ with my beloved mama-ji (as I call her now lately)

I just love to be with mama-P., she is the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I don’t care what people think of me when I say that, because it is the truth.
She wrote me a birthday card and I read it every day…
One of the things she said was that she was proud of her daughter…that makes me so happy…J

I probably smile from one ear to the other when I read it over and over again…J
not probably…

I AM!!!

So, I had asked 3 things right for my birthday…dolphins, Mama-p. and turtles. And God had granded me two beloveds already. I was happy….
But you know turtles are slower and it was the day after my birthday that MISS PINKY showed up (see other blogs about Pinky) we had the most amazing dance together and I just am so in love with life!!!
What a creation this all is!

I came to see that my sickness was the greatest gift ever. In the place where my body is, I am presence and I feel the awareness where my whole world arises.

I see that the resonance of dolphins, turtles, Mama-P, friends, Maui,…are very high vibrations…
I see that the resonance I put out with my thoughts bring me what I ask for…

I smile…just because life is here to be lived…our bodies are not here to be used in vanity…
our bodies are here to support us to know before this body dies, who we really are…
And that is that we are ‘IAM’ , awareness….
Life and death in the same moment…
ALIVENESS…

 

I smile…
The spiral smiles with me…
and I kiss it…
I kiss my teacher, my mamaji, Mama-P. and thank her for being in my life in such a way…
she teaches me to BE awareness, the greatest gift you can ever receive..
It is who I AM…

I am so blessed and grateful…I am in love…J

With her…
and she is me…
with me…

GOD…awareness…

 

Love Tamara rainbow
www.rainbowsheart.com