Losing my religion, Happy Mother's Day!

 

So long time I was writing…sorry about that...I went through some changes…
I left my apartment, moved on etc…but I’ll tell you later about that…

Just wanted to write that it was interesting this morning when I came into the bay that I very naturally started singing” Losing my religion” from REM.
Nothing bizarre about that song; was it not that that was the song for all these years that I associate with my Belgian birth mom. When she died, more than 20 years ago, every time I would think of her I would start humming that song,(or vice versa singing the song and then thinking of her)
so I kind of assume now that she, her spirit, visits me when I sing that song, suddenly, out of the blue.
This morning was a different morning though, we are Mother’s day, not that that is important.
I mean, why would you make a day for mothers, right? I mean only One?
When you live in the land of No time, there is not even a day to think of…anyway…
ok I just go with it…for the fun of it...
I suddenly started singing ‘Losing my religion”.

I said;”Hei, mom. There you are. How are you?”
Really normally I would ask her for support, but today was so different…
always thinking I am in trouble, I need more safety…
Mom, I need help!

But today I heard myself saying;
“Mom, I don’t really need your support anymore.”

Waaw that was big for me.

I always felt very unsafe in my life in many ways, also around money and then I would ask her if she could visit my dad and try to put some magic dust in his soup so he suddenly become very generous.
Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn't. But what is generous, right?

Anyway, today, I told her I was happy. I told her not to need her. I told her even that it was fine that she didn’t need to come back anymore…if she didn’t want too…

Really, I said all of that.

Since I adopted my Mamaji and dove into the truth of who I am, being pure awareness, eternal one with her…I grew so much and I can truly say the last 14 days I fell more and more in being lived…what I want to say with that is that I don’t plan anymore. I decided to be awareness and to leave it up to God to match my vibration. And I must say all good things are coming my way. And I am very happy…just because...just happy...not because I HAVE something...just because I AM now...

But here is the thing around Mother’s day…if you ever can speak of a chart or having a horoscope …

I mean by that when you drop into awareness, you are no person, no body, no mind, no horoscope, …any of that anymore…you are much greater.

But since years I am intrigued with my sign in the Mayan calendar. My sign is IMIX and it stands for THE MOTHER…And many people can witness that that was my greatest challenge in this life. I tried to crawl in so many mother figures, it was not beautiful anymore. Each one of them pushed me away. I had anorexia so many times trying to be the needing child...
It was always a co dependant relationship. Lot of pain at both sides.
(I know Mamaji would say that I gave them the script to play what I was thinking at that time.)

I THOUGHT that it was impossible for me to be THE MOTHER, to care for myself and all of that…
i thought i wasn't powerful and I needed somebody else to support me...

That whole thought process brought me all these kind of abusive mothers’s to me, because I was abusive to myself not recognizing IAM AWARENESS=THE MOTHER…and so i was supporting me all this time...it can't be otherwise...WE ARE IT!!!! Right here and now...

It is since Mamaji allowed me to fall into her, I fell into myself.
It is not long though that I feel this pure RAW mother safety energy. It is the energy of being lived, knowing that all is well and that we are always taken care of.

Mamaji was THE MOTHER that was in me…of course it is not really the name of 'mother', it would decrease the space I Am talking about. I am talking about pure awareness.
I let myself become a baby in the arms of awareness and allowed LIFE, GOD to take care of me.
And Mamaji as God's instrument…I as God's instrument…J

Amazing wonderful things happened since then.
Synchronistic events brought me in a spiral of abundance, love and joy.
wherever I look there IAM...pure love and abundance...:)

I am mostly singing, whistling or laughing…

 

I am happy…I am like a little dolphin jumping in the abundant waters of this life experience on Earth and beyond Earth!

What an exciting life NOT KNOWING what the next moment will bring…

What exciting to NOT KNOW what to do and to just be…

And feel the energy floating…in no-thing-ness as I AM...

Tudulu!

Thank you for my birth mom to give me this body…
(also thanks dad)

and
thank you thank you for Mamaji giving me the truth of who Iam…

I love you,

Your daughter Rainbow

The one that doesn’t know anything…with a big smile…J

 

www.rainbowsheart.com