So long time I was writing…sorry about that...I went through some changes…
I left my apartment, moved on etc…but I’ll tell you later about that…
Just wanted to write that it was interesting this morning
when I came into the bay that I very naturally started singing” Losing my
religion” from REM.
Nothing bizarre about that song; was it not that that was the song for all these
years that I associate with my Belgian birth mom. When she died, more than 20 years ago, every
time I would think of her I would start humming that song,(or vice versa singing
the song and then thinking of her)
so I kind of assume now that she, her
spirit, visits me when I sing that song, suddenly, out of the blue.
This morning was a different morning though, we are Mother’s day, not that that
is important.
I mean, why would you make a day for mothers,
right? I mean only One?
When you live in the land of No time, there is not even a day to think of…anyway…
ok
I just go with it…for the fun of it...
I suddenly started singing ‘Losing my religion”.
I said;”Hei, mom. There you are. How are you?”
Really normally I would ask her for support, but today was so different…
always thinking I am in trouble, I need more safety…
Mom, I need help!
But today I heard myself saying;
“Mom, I don’t really need your support anymore.”
Waaw that was big for me.
I always felt very unsafe in my life in many ways, also
around money and then I would ask her if she could visit my dad and try to put
some magic dust in his soup so he suddenly become very generous.
Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn't. But what is generous, right?
Anyway, today, I told her I was happy. I told her not to need her. I told her
even that it was fine that she didn’t need to come back anymore…if she didn’t
want too…
Really, I said all of that.
Since I adopted my Mamaji and dove into the truth of who I
am, being pure awareness, eternal one with her…I grew so much and I can truly
say the last 14 days I fell more and more in being lived…what I want to say
with that is that I don’t plan anymore. I decided to be awareness and to leave
it up to God to match my vibration. And I must say all good things are coming
my way. And I am very happy…just because...just happy...not because I HAVE something...just because I AM now...
But here is the thing around Mother’s day…if you ever can speak
of a chart or having a horoscope …
I mean by that when you drop into awareness, you are no
person, no body, no mind, no horoscope, …any of that anymore…you are much greater.
But since years I am intrigued with my sign in the Mayan calendar.
My sign is IMIX and it stands for THE MOTHER…And many people can witness that
that was my greatest challenge in this life. I tried to crawl in so many mother
figures, it was not beautiful anymore. Each one of them pushed me away. I had anorexia so many times trying to be the needing child...
It was always a co dependant relationship. Lot of pain at both sides.
(I know Mamaji would say that I gave them the script to play what I was
thinking at that time.)
I THOUGHT that it was impossible for me to be THE MOTHER, to
care for myself and all of that…
i thought i wasn't powerful and I needed somebody else to support me...
That whole thought process brought me all these kind of
abusive mothers’s to me, because I was abusive to myself not recognizing IAM
AWARENESS=THE MOTHER…and so i was supporting me all this time...it can't be otherwise...WE ARE IT!!!! Right here and now...
It is since Mamaji allowed me to fall into her, I fell into
myself.
It is not long though that I feel this pure RAW mother safety energy. It is the
energy of being lived, knowing that all is well and that we are always taken
care of.
Mamaji was THE MOTHER that was in me…of course it is not
really the name of 'mother', it would decrease the space I Am talking about. I am talking
about pure awareness.
I let myself become a baby in the arms of awareness and allowed LIFE, GOD to
take care of me.
And Mamaji as God's instrument…I as God's instrument…J
Amazing wonderful things happened since then.
Synchronistic events
brought me in a spiral of abundance, love and joy.
wherever I look there IAM...pure love and abundance...:)
I am mostly singing, whistling or laughing…
I am happy…I am like a little dolphin jumping in the
abundant waters of this life experience on Earth and beyond Earth!
What an exciting life NOT KNOWING what the next moment will bring…
What exciting to NOT KNOW what to do and to just be…
And feel the energy floating…in no-thing-ness as I AM...
Tudulu!
Thank you for my birth mom to give me this body…
(also thanks
dad)
and
thank you thank you for Mamaji giving me the truth of who Iam…
I love you,
Your daughter Rainbow
The one that doesn’t know anything…with a big smile…J
